DOSE:	repeated	smoked	Changa
		oral	MDMA

[DISCLAIMER: This is my experience and my opinions. In no way am I trying to force my ideals on anybody not am I implying that what I go through, everyone will. If you don't like what I write, fair enough. But I'm just telling my story.]

I sought inspiration or guidance to take hold of my life. I have issues with low self esteem, depression, and suicidal thoughts were not uncommon at that time. I was in a dark place.

Man Dansar Med Allt - Mid July 2014
My first psychedelic encounter was with MDMA. I had only smoked marijuana before. A friend and I went for a short camping trip midsummer. We were by a lake and there was a small but loud waterfall by our camp. He had some shrooms with him that he was excited for me to try out but I felt that it wasn't the right time for me. I was dealing with some stuff and was afraid of a bad trip. We were originally planning on taking them during the daytime but as luck would find it there were some other campers around and waited therefore until night. We didn't do any mushrooms but MDMA was still on the table. It was pure in crystalline form and there was no color in it so far as I could see. We rolled the crystals in bits of TP for easier, less nasty ingestion. I was warned of a bad taste but I was curious and put some on my tongue anyway. Regrettably.

It was dark but we had a little fire going. I sat in front of it while my buddy felt nature calling. We had stacked the wood so that it created a little cave of searing white and red colored flames. I was a bit nervous as to how I would take to the psychedelic, it being my first ever except for Mary Jane. As I was looking into that cave of light my body started tingling. Soon after the visuals kicked in. It was as if someone took hold of the back end of the fire grotto and moved it around, making it look like it was looking into this world. A bit like a Thiodina jumping spider moving its eyes.

At that time my friend comes back, puts some trippy music on through his enormous speaker and tells me to start dancing. We were having our own little two man forest rave, and it was marvelous. At one point I closed my eyes and that's when the 'visuals' kicked in. I danced with one of my spirit animals, an owl. Ain't nothing foul about my big-eyed friend's moves! Fowl. Foul. Get it? I'm not sorry. It visits me on my highs sometimes and I'm always glad to see my bud.

A couple of songs later I started seeing what I felt. My emotions were manifesting themselves visually. Threads of light were growing from my feet, boring into the earth like roots, connecting me to everything. Each connection was then connected to everything else. Thinking back I compare it to neurons connecting with each other with their dendrites. I was in awe. Then I started touching myself all over my body. It was pretty comical to say the least. That was when my buddy suggested we hug. He told me that when two people hug for longer than 20 seconds something connects them. We did just that. It was one of the best hugs I've ever had. I don't really remember everything as I'm writing this five months after it had happened but he told me that he loved me. I had known this guy for about a month, barely, at this point and I was telling him that I loved him too. We became brethren of sorts. It took me a while to say it back though and that's when I started getting very introspective.

Saying the phrase 'I love you' is a muscle memory I do not posses. It doesn't come easily to me. I can count the times I remember saying it to family on one hand. I think my family is the same. That is not to say I do not love, though. This is something I haven't figured out yet. I have enormous amounts of love to give but accepting it is difficult. Hearing someone tell me they love me is nauseating and it's fucking ridiculous. I'm more the type that communicates that love through action rather than through words. This is what started my introspective pacing but that's not the most important part. During all this I started feeling, physically, the amount of love I was picturing to have the potential to. My skin felt taut and the amount that was materializing in me started to jab at my body, trying to pierce through. I was the hinder to my own potential and that was the thought I was left with when the high was gone.

The following days were rough. That type of an emotional low is something I've never experienced before. I thought I was broken and I was worried, but my friend reassured me it would pass. Before it did I was immersed in thought. It was as if I could only think in pictures. After about a couple of days of this I felt the need to write it down. So, I wrote a poem of sorts.

My body felt it first.
The pulse, emanating from my eyes, started to resonate.
It reached my soul.
With heavy feet my soul urged forward, dragging me along.
Suspended, as if caressed, in awe of everything.
We stretched towards its core. The source of all. The pith of all illumination.
Attempting to see, pleading to face that which radiates unconditional love;
as still as nothingness, it mirrored.
Into my own soul’s eyes I stared.
There a vortex spiraled; therein my essence scattered.
I beat my aching chest, my anxious arms reach out.
My voice wavers as I try to yell.
My being splinters as I kneel and watch.
I just kneel and watch.
I can’t watch.

I have stood in the shadow of my vortex. I have stood until the weight of it all threw me to my knees. I faltered, physically and emotionally. I felt as if my will was on the verge of being evaporated. If what I am is a pillar then that pillar was lifted up, pulled apart, and scattered in the thick forest where I make my path. Something shifted in me and it didn't feel right.

I wish I had written this sooner. It would've been fun to read that thought process. I'm doing my best to recollect but the details aren't all there.

[I met my soul and we bonded. Now, inseparable, we journey together like true adventurers.]

DMT - 6th of August 2014
I first heard about DMT from a roomie's friend in spring earlier this year. I thought he was bullshitting me. In my defense, it does sound kind of crazy. This came up again while my friend and I were getting to know each other at work. He recounted some of his trips to me and that sometimes he has DMT-laced dreams. It sounded amazing. Simply amazing. I decided that it was something that I had to do. It felt like something that I needed to do.

We talked about this nearly daily. I was curious to the point of obsession. We were discussing and listening to Terence McKenna. I finally turned to YouTube and watched interviews with Terence, and videos from others telling of their experience. After weeks of this I realized that I was being too eager and perhaps even selfish. This is not something that one does purely for fun. I don't remember how, but a thought got stuck in my mind: 'The universe is not there to teach you. You may learn from it, be inspired from it, but it is not your personal tutor. It would be selfish to expect teachings from it as if you deserve it.'. I realized I was expecting too much from this would-be experience so I calmed myself. I made it clear to myself that I might not get anything out if it or something entirely different from what I was hoping for.

It was a beautiful day so we drove to the highest point in the area. It was a granite cliff jutting out of the forest. It was a mildly windy which helped with concealing the noise of the small town bellow. We sat down, smoked weed and admired the view. Then it was time. He showed me the bag, and I expected some white powder. It look more like weed out of a grinder but denser. It was changa. I still haven't tried anything but changa so I have no reference, but according to my buddy this feels lighter. The colors are lighter and so is the overall feeling. We started by smoking small doses for the visuals, and I saw so much. I could write an essay on what I saw. Which is what I'm doing, I guess.

My eyes filled up with light. The sea of trees bellow us behaved just like the sea it was. I saw waves rising and falling. I later leaned back into the little dent in the rock which was very comfortable. As if it was weathered for this purpose. The sky was a bit hazy and there were some clouds which started to form intricate patterns reminiscent to the flower of life. When I closed my eyes I saw something very different. I don't know what it was but it seemed to me like something of a mother figure. It was eerie. I remember crying. I took another small puff and tried to explore where I was. Twice I found myself close to something huge in the sense that it was unfathomably important. The first was a gate in a vertical pillar of light. I saw figures entering it and walking through it. When I came near it I was brushed off. It hurt my ego because I was being denied entrance. Was I not proving myself somehow? Was I not worthy? I backed off and tried to find a way to make it clear that I wanted this, no matter what I experience past those gates. The second time I found myself lying down. Something was going on by the top of my head but I couldn't see. I tried to look but all I could see was light. At that time I felt like someone was trying to load my up on an enormous network. The pillar was like a data cord. Yet, again, I was denied access. But this time I realized it wasn't because of a fault. Something was not ready.

The second time was more comical. I think the changa was pulling my leg because I experienced a joke. My friend and I had switched places so that he could relax as I did. As I lay my head back and close my eyes I see a point of light. Moving my head a bit I could make it focus and I thought to myself that his might be it. I found myself in a place with valleys, hills and rivers. It could've been a beautiful sight but it wasn't. It was the ugliest thing I've ever seen. Everything was covered with a ghastly motif. It was like in Disney's 'Santa's workshop' where they had checkered paint to paint the chess boards with. But instead of checkered paint someone had painted everything with cowboy hats, tiaras, gold stars, toy bows and arrows, pink and yellow colors - it was horrible. I was a bit distressed because I had sought enlightenment and inspiration but here I was being presented with commercial filth! Suddenly, as if a sheet was being pulled away to reveal what was underneath, it vanished, and I was struck with laughter. Imagine if what the psychedelics had to offer was only that. The purpose of life. It tickled me enormously! I kept laughing for 5 minutes straight and I still find myself laughing at it, thinking back.

The third promenade was very spiritual for me. I've always been fascinated with water. I grew up on an island and later on a coast. The seaside will always be my true home. I took diving lessons and studied marine biology. I've been obsessed with all types of surf sports (though never tried, yet) and the pioneers of big wave surfing. This affinity developed into identifying with the water element. You know, go with the flow, ride the waves, calm waters, the power of a stormy sea; attributes of character. Being a huge superpower buff and an Avatar: The Last Airbender/The Legend of Korra fan had me daydreaming about being a waterbender. My cousin is very similar to me as she identifies with the air element. Silly stuff but you get the gist of the aesthetic. That being said, I visited the clan of air. All I remember is that my consciousness rode the air currents and I found myself amongst beings of air. They didn't have a defined form but I remember them towering over me. Long, beings that made the light shimmer through them. Assertive but not aggressively so.

When I came back I had to tell my friend and then I concentrated on the deep beats of the music. I stared at the rock beneath me as I listened. I felt my consciousness delve deeper into the earth. There I found myself looking at marching beings. I didn't have the chance of observing them before the big guy caught my eye. It looked like he was the one they were marching for. I say 'he' because he looked like Ganesha, a Hindu god, elephant head and all. His trunk was made out of squares and it started spiraling in the Fibonacci sequence. I just googled on Ganesha and found this on wikipedia: 'As the god of beginnings, he is honored at the start of rituals and ceremonies.'. Appropriate, isn't it? After this I decided on a last puff puff before we chilled with some weed. As I was looking at the ashes in the glass pipe I started lighting what was left. The white ash made me think that the smoke would be very hot and harsh. I inhaled and to my relief and surprise (I don't know why I was so surprised) it didn't hurt a bit. When I exhaled I was stricken with guilt because I had thought I had inhaled a smoke being. I apologized sincerely and thanked it for not hurting my throat but it ran away. I didn't blame it as I just had inhaled it. I remember thinking it seemed childlike to me.

I don't remember where this fits in this chronological order. I was at the end of something. It was an endless wall and I was looking through it like glass. Beyond it was a chasm as endless as the wall I was a part of, facing another wall. A figure approached. We were two paintings on opposite walls looking at each other. It had had human form and wings, I don't remember how many sets. The walls edged closer to each other and many more beings appeared on both walls, facing their opposite. Everyone was lit from behind and the walls we were in were giving off hues of blue and red. Blue, I think, from my side and red from the other.

Doing psychedelics can be a beautiful experience. It can show me many wonderful things. Some will give meaning in my life and others are just aesthetically beautiful. I wrote 'and' instead of 'but' because one does not necessarily exclude the other. After my experiences I tend to stare at them in my mind's eye to try and find inspiration. Again, I do not seek meaning. I let meaning find me while I admire the beauty in my adventures.

DMT - the deep end
I was ready for the big journey. Immediately after the first puff I started feeling it. I held it for 5-10 seconds. It kind of felt like that tingling sensation in my gut when you're excited, but throughout the whole body. I then took the second. Moving my hands was not easy at that point but I forced them to move, take the third hit and then lay myself down in the comfy dimple in the rock, my arms stretched to my sides.

I don't remember the order of what transpired but there was a sequence to it. And there were two happenings, I think, transpiring parallel to each other.

I stopped having a body and floated up through the pillar of light I saw before and entered the port. I was lying on grass, my arms outstretched. I tried to move but couldn't so instead I observed what was around me. Vast, rolling grasslands. Up above was something that looked like a glass dome. The sky was light blue yet I could still see the darkness of space behind. At this point I was in shock. There was so much to take in. Passed the dome I saw winged, statuesque creatures. They had four faces that reminded me of Buddha statues and many sets of arms not unlike Kali. The seemed like living statues, full of life yet made of stone. One approached the dome above. It was huge! It approached head first as if to take a better look at me. I let out a 'woah' and it makes a sound. It made the sound both before and after I made my sound. I titter and it too makes a similar sound. It's sounds were deep, strong vibrations shaking everything around me. It was a combination of infrasonic and the 'bwaaa' sound in Inception but uttered as speech. I've heard stories of people being taught how to 'speak' by machine elves as well as from my friend. I remembered that and started making sounds. Simple utterances like 'ooh' and 'woom' as I was still in awe at what was happening. Then I decided on longer sounds. I started by humming and proceeded with opening my mouth slowly. The glass dome above started resonating with us and I had the vague visual of the sounds of my statuesque friend materializing into pointed fractals trying to pierce through the dome.

It was then, I think, that I suddenly rose up and took a fourth hit on the pipe. I think. This was incorporated very strangely into my trip, but I'll come back to that later.

While I was on the ground I went through all kinds of emotional states. Amazement and dumbfounded admiration of everything were the predominant states.

As I remember it there were three stages to my excursion. A stage of mania, a stage of introspection and a stage of cosmic fractal equation presentation. As I said, I was on the ground. I always was when not on the third stage. Several times I realized that this was for my own good. I restrained but wasn't held there by force. I tried to with it at first but there was little to no give. The sensation was warm and loving like when a loving figure asks you to look at them in the eye to try to explain to you why it is important to accept whatever was happening. When you have a fever you stay in bed.

Again I don't remember the exact order of minor events but this was the first stage. I was there three times as this journey was something of a loop. I remember cringing because my friend was there, by my feet, and by doing so I could crop him out. I was told I had my eyes open some of the time. We had some music going, my buddy acting as DJ. There were two songs that played a huge role in what happened. I started hearing a sort of chant increase in volume and clarity. It consisted of six syllables but I couldn't make out what was being said. I also heard a sigh of relief and I reciprocated that breathing in the fresh air of this distant place I found myself at. I was struck with this unfettered sense of wonder! Big parts of my life flashed through my head and everything that led up to that point. My life is not an extraordinary one yet it still led up to my smoking DMT. I was so grateful. At that exact point my friend spoke. I had no distinction between the carnal world and the DMT world at this time. Everything was one big wonderful coherent mess. He spoke the words 'fashion victim'. My thoughts were, why would he say this? Immediately the chant became clear and I heard the word 'It is not what you thought.'. A laugh began its way out of my stomach. This changa had a way of pulling my leg it seems. A scenario played out of my mind where my friend visited me from a trip of his own to say those words so that I could tell him this so that he could do so, and complete the circle. It was a wonderful joke. I laughed loud and hysterical. It became a shout. I yelled as hard as I could and relished in the wonderful world I was at. I started crying. I felt bliss, sorrow, mania. I felt love. I was at a difficult place in my life, dark and tiresome. I was genuinely grateful for being alive long enough to experience this. I was grateful to be held down, to receive this much attention.

When I had calmed down I looked up at the beautiful blue sky. There were no clouds except for one. It looked as if it was drawn upon the sky, white lines on blue. It shifted as clouds do but a bit faster. It shifted back and forth into the heads of a water buffalo, a snake and a lion. The lion's head was the most prominent and frequent. As I was staring up at it the lion's head slowly opened its mouth. The detail was amazing. It was slightly to the left of me, looking away. As I was looking at it I found myself willing it to loom closer and look at me. We locked eyes and the head turned towards me. As it positioned itself directly above me I could see into its mouth. The circles in its mouth. Circles? Above the head where more stacked on top of each other, their cloud-lines becoming increasingly hazy. Together they formed a tunnel, or pillar, or both. As the head centered itself above me I was staring right into the tunnel. WHOOM! I was gone.

Fractals of fantastic forms and colors. I cannot begin to describe it. I will not begin to describe it. There is no point to it because as I am now, even though I was there, I can't make sense to it. But it was beautiful.

This, I think, is where I would open my eyes. I turned to my left and looked at the setting sun sinking towards a bank of clouds. I don't know how many times I looked but as I did I followed the sun's and the clouds' movements. This was the stage of introspection. As I watched a story played out. The clouds were a being. The sun pierced its body and reemerged behind it. Or perhaps it was stored inside its body. I felt envious. To have such potential stored inside of oneself.

Here is where the event of the fourth toke comes in. It was like a cut scene into a action movie. An agent was running around a factory, fighting off other people. He was trying to get to a control room. After some running about he comes to a control room overlooking an enormous enclosure. He had to push the button. He raised his right arm and brought it down, full speed. As he did so I zoomed out and found myself sitting up with pipe and lighter in hand. I was trembling and doubting myself. I kept thinking 'You can do this! You have to do this! Be brave! Fight for it! Fight!', and I light the pipe. WHOOM!

I was back on the grass. I was still not able to get up but I was not worried. It was in that stage that my mind had the time to let its imagination run free. A time o explore. I had to force myself a couple of times not to think within the social construct of our societies and their lacking definitions. I found it a bit difficult but not impossible. This was where I made sounds and observed the effects it had on my surroundings. I don't know why, but as I was not able to see my legs I thought what might be there. I imagined another top part of myself. We were like conjoined twins. Our arms moved to the beat of the music and our hands made athetoid movements, forming strange mudras.

The lion's head comes into sight. I fly into cosmic delirium. I look at the sunset.

This time the being with potential is inside a cage. It looks to be of glass. On the other side of it another being appears. Its face shifting from animal to animal. Many scenarios play out in my mind as the bank of clouds edges towards me but there was no sense to it. Not everything happens to give oneself meaning. As the clouds move over me I assume the perspective of the cloud being. Who am I staring at? Is there someone there or is this merely a reflection? My mind goes to the potential that rivals the sun's. Is this mine? Who is this?

Cut scene. Pipe in left hand and lighter in right. I've done this before. I can do it again. Do it again! WHOOM!

Grasslands and mudras. Lions' heads and cosmic exuberance. The clouds disperse. Toke. My friend tells me 20 minutes have passed.

My eyes fly open and I find myself in my body again. The sky was the bluest blue. I could see structures supporting it. Domed like the ceiling of a church. The winged statuesque beings could be seen in the distance. As I turned to look at my friend I noticed one such being was positioned so that it looked like it was behind and slightly above him. Whenever my friend moved the being did so too in slow, calculated movements. I couldn't speak for a while. When I did I remembered what I went through and felt a bit embarrassed. I had to ask so I said 'Uhm... Was I yelling?'. He said yes. I was dismayed! How long was I shouting for? Then he said 'No, I'm joking. You didn't yell.'. That was even more shocking. It felt so real and physical. I felt my throat straining as I yelled until my lungs emptied. Well, did I cry? Apparently no, I did not. When I opened my eyes I felt the thin salty crusts on the sides of my head. I didn't bawl my eyes out but it is possible that tears streamed while I was away. I was relieved I didn't yell or ugly-cry and I was astounded that I had. When I regained my speech I tried recalling what had transpired and relayed it to my buddy. I told him about him saying fashion victim and my scenarios of him traveling though the cosmos to say them to me. He was silent while I talked so I was starting to think that this is what happened and got excited. Alas, he actually said those words. He just said the title of the song that was playing. Changa is such a joker.

[I've smoked of that changa once more during the following autumn, but there's not much I would want to share from that except for a small parts. I had lapse of depression and for a couple of months I tried to overcome it until I decided to smoke the changa I had. I'm glad I did.]

Exp Year: 2014	ExpID: 105123
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 24
Published: May 5, 2018	Views: 1,632
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MDMA (3), Changa (816) : Depression (15), Entities / Beings (37), Retrospective / Summary (11), First Times (2), Small Group (2-9) (17)