DOSE:

oral

Mushrooms

(dried)

BODY WEIGHT:

150 lb

I'm writing this perspective of tripping because I was a skeptic who found out that yes, hallucinating - like dreams- helps us access those fears that we hide inside our psyche. I had tried mushrooms in the last few months to work on my latent depression and lack of motivation.

The first trip was quite visual- and fun (3.5g cubes). I enjoyed it but was kind of disappointed that it ended up in me losing consciousness and waking up just to be kind of dumbfounded, stuck in that slow time many experience. I did have to face the background noises of neighbors in a paranoid state, which I thought was going to drive me crazy! But amazingly, the next day and days after- I have realized that my hyper sensitivity to background noises no longer bothered me. I suppose it was an OCD or ADD symptom that I learned to grow out of?

I realized that the choice of music can make or break insights. At the time I was mostly listening to rock or pop, which I realized was kind of steering me into the story of those songs.

I decided to stick to open, more neutral music, like classical or ambient. I did notice that the classical music for example, had an ability to stir up emotions by painting the framework for the archetypes that our own emotions/ego(s) dwell in.

So, the next few experiences, I have experimented with higher doses (typically 2.5-3g of cyanescens- which are around 5g cubes and one instance of 5g cubes). They got me deeper into the thought loops and questioning of reality- what about me is subjective and objective. The comedown was always amazing- with flashes of emotions, great releases of tears of sadness and joy. Visuals were there, but more subtle, whether it were the cyans or the cube high doses. I didn't mind less visuals as I was trying to get to the root of my personal issues. However, I didn't seem to have the ability to directly confront some issues that were bothering me in my life - mainly my low motivation in my job. I did bring them up but it seemed like my mind was not connecting deeply to the root of the problem.

I tried 2 experiences of low dose (between 1.5 and 2.2g of cubes) and they did let me get a bit more emotional with the classical music. At one point, in the end of a trip- I felt this frustration and sadness build up (without the anxiety that seems to block us out of the root) and started crying that I couldn't take it anymore! I was angry about these feelings weighing me down in life. Then an amazing vision popped up! I have been carrying this baggage, tools that I no longer needed for my journey (like a mountain climber) and it was time to cut these tools loose and respect that they have got me this far. Wow, what an amazing feeling- the frustration and depressive sadness was replaced with that feeling you get- a grieving of losing a friend- those things that I have held close through my childhood and teens I suppose.

The last 2 experiences became more logical.
I tried another high dose of PE cubes (4.6g) and had so many thought loops- even double or triple reverse psychology whether I was fooling myself or not. I suppose that doubt was something I had to work out to be able to let myself have access to the more conscious problems, such as motivation- which I felt locked out of before. There was not much euphoria in the come down, it was kind of dull and I figured that these things might have to be worked out in a sober state.

In the last experience, I had went back to the moderate dose of 3.5g or so cubes. I figured that a higher dose would keep me locked in loops (questioning my own questioning) and the low doses didn't seem to get me deep enough to touch whatever roots that I wanted to touch.

The trip peaked with thought loops and discomfort. My feet were freezing, despite the room being 75f and under covers laying on my couch! I had asked myself/my feet, what can I do to help, and got no answer. Thoughts about motivation would come and go, but there was no catharsis- just fleeting ideas. I was seriously feeling like maybe these issues were always going to be there- because I myself have been too lazy to try to work on making things better. You could say that I sort of gave up on seeing any progress at this point and accepted it- no matter how crappy I recall it feels in everyday life. I decided to just go with the music playing and told myself that these thoughts running wild were not really me, but this hyper critical part of my ego that was not constructive to me working on myself.

After some time, I started to get a more 'loving' insight into my issues of motivation and such. It was an understanding that I had chosen this to protect myself from burn out in a job that did little to nothing in rewarding good work. Throughout my trips, I had felt like it was my ego that was sabotaging me in life, but it was my own doubt of my ego that made me feel powerless (and I suppose why it did what it had to do 'automatically').

This time, I had learned to stop seeing my ego in a black or white mentality. It was necessary for me to have this ego in order to set my own limits in life- and not burn myself out with stress as I had done in the past. I suppose it was a weak form of PTSD- being hypersensitive since birth- from typical societal expectations and judgements.

The come down also gave me some feelings on music to play that I have always been hesitant to. I decided to play an album by Cloud Cult called Light Chasers. Wow, in listening and reading the lyrics I got to integrate those things and felt ecstacy in that realization.

I know the journey still involves work on myself, but I feel like I have took that leap of faith when accepting my ego- instead of loathing and fearing it.

In geek terms, I have realized that mushrooms have given me an ability to run a sort of feedback loop to fine tune these aspects of my own 'programming' when it comes to reality and being in it. I have a theory that these visuals which I have seen less and less of, were 'lines of code' of my brain that lacked a proper interpreter. As they have been challenged and brought to the surface, the visuals, which seem to be repetitions or abstractions of my visual center- ended up manifesting as thought loops and emotions.

Exp Year: 2015	ExpID: 105557
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 35
Published: May 10, 2018	Views: 5,558
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Mushrooms (39) : General (1), Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), Retrospective / Summary (11), Alone (16)