DOSE:

oral

4-AcO-DMT

(liquid)

BODY WEIGHT:

180 lb

[Erowid Note: A substance(s) in this report might be identified incorrectly. Erowid reviewers question the author's identification of the drug described. Although the report is included in the collection, the substance might be something other than the author believed it to be.]
I chose to take psilocybin in an attempt to treat my anxiety caused by C-PTSD from the prolonged intense child abuse I incurred. I have lived with debilitating symptoms for the past 20 years. I have tried all kinds of medication, therapy and am currently seeing a counselor that specializes in PTSD therapy, which has helped tremendously. Through research, I came to the conclusion that using psychedelics medicinally was something that I needed to try, in order to move my recovery forward.

I took liquid mushrooms (9mg psilocybin) at 12:15pm with some cranberry juice. My husband and I got into the car and started driving to a local wooded area to walk the trails. By 12:45, I could feel the effects. I began to feel an overwhelming surge of emotion during the car ride. I can’t remember exactly what was going through my mind but I could feel a disconnection from my body, like I knew it was there, but any physical sensation I was feeling was being suppressed by my brain activity. I began to cry. I could feel myself fighting the inevitable. At that point, I heard my brain telling me to “Stop fighting. Let go, Nikki. It’s ok.” I fell apart and let the chemicals overtake my body. I felt an instant release and an odd sense of relief and gratitude.

We arrived at our destination and decided to walk. Considering this was my first trip ever, I tried to articulate to my husband what I was feeling. My body felt unsteady, like Jello. I was a little nauseous. It almost felt like the beginnings of an alcohol buzz but much more intense. I kept feeling like I was on the verge of a panic attack, but I was able to control my thoughts enough to prevent them from coming to fruition by using relaxation techniques and breathing exercises. We walked and found a log to sit on. I purposely attempted to focus my thoughts on past traumas in order to see if I could make connections between my perception of the events and the reality that I live everyday. Each time a wave of emotion came to me, I tried to sit with it and feel it. Then by some miracle, my brain would let it go. This is the part that is missing in my waking life. Each time those feelings left, I had an extraordinary sense of gratitude for being able to work through it successfully.

1:30pm - We walked down the path, toward a pond with a boardwalk built over it. As I began to walk across the planks I was overwhelmed with grief. My mind was racing and I felt a physical pull coming from above me, like a string was connected to the top of my head and was holding me upright. I could feel ‘darkness’ wash over me again and again. Mixed with the darkness were random glimpses of memories of when I was a kid. Something in me told me that this was a test and that I had to keep standing to overcome it. I knew I had to fight them off. I paced and breathed it out. Once it stopped, I was ok. We walked on and talked about what was going on and what I was feeling.

2:30pm- My husband drove us back into town and we spent some time outside of a coffee shop, reflecting back on what I just went through. I was coming down and felt an incredible sense of peace and happiness. I remember thinking, “I wish I could feel this happy all the time”.

4pm- My trip ended and I was wiped out, physically and emotionally. I feel like this trip was life changing and I plan on doing it again.

Exp Year: 2015	ExpID: 107341
Gender: Female
Age at time of experience: 28
Published: May 8, 2019	Views: 801
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4-AcO-DMT (387) : Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), First Times (2), Small Group (2-9) (17)