DOSE:		oral	MDMA	(powder / crystals)
	repeated	smoked	Cannabis

BODY WEIGHT:

90 kg

A Drug Called Love With a Hint of MDMA

The experience written down here has happened so long ago while being in a blurry state of mind that I can't confirm that everything written down here is truly how it all went down.

I don't remember a lot of the specifics other than those that meant the most to me. The falling in love part made a huge impact on my life, more so than the MDMA part so I don't know in which way this story will be useful to anyone but it's an untold story that I have always wanted to tell to someone and the drug was certainly a catalyzer for my experience. I always idealized it as being able to explain it to the girl that was the initiative flame to my thermite-reaction, but I can be a huge coward when it comes to girls.

That said you should better know some facts about me. I am now 26, almost 27, years old and I have never been in a relationship with a girl before. Never had my first kiss, never had sex before. I don't think I'm gay, I've asked myself that question thousands of times, because I see being gay as being attracted to the male physical form and in that way I still feel attracted to women. If being gay would be just about love than I probably am bi in a non-sexual way. Of course it's easier to love the people you will socially interact with and my interactions with women are very limited but not non-existent. I have the feeling I can be everybody's friend if I let it, so maybe lover too. I find it more difficult to 'donate' myself to someone. In a way, I suppose, that is what you need to do to form a close relationship. I tend to keep every relationship loose so I can come and go whenever I like or feel the need for it.

About the setting and mindset:

It was somewhere between 14 and 17 july of 2011 at Dour Festival in Belgium. We had bought some MDMA at the festival, I don't remember how much but if I remember correctly we made 9 little packets out of them (I think they are called bombs, that's what we called them anyway). We bought it with 3 people so each had 3 packets, I know I shared one with another friend. The more, the merrier right?

At that time I was smoking weed constantly so I was always stoned, had bought myself 25 grams before the festival for the occasion because you never know…

I only had done MDMA in this crystal form with the bombs once before at another festival where we had gotten it from some French dude that was just giving it away. That time I felt something but it wasn't very overwhelming, more like a happy buzz. This time was going to be so much more intense.

There was a girl in our group that I've met and talked to before. I also had noticed some occasions where she would say something very odd, very mystical or vague, in group conversations in which I felt related. Inexperienced, as I still am, I always let it slide. She's also 5 years younger than me and I didn't figure I would appeal too anyone that age (I was 22 at the time so she was 17).

At the festival itself, when we had arrived by car and were packing our stuff to start our journey, we were already talking about MDMA and she asked what it was. Someone explained it to her as 'the love drug' and unconsciously I then knew or had a feeling of what was about to happen but my conscience mind over rid it so I went on as nothing ever happened. It's hard for me to explain that situation, it's like I noticed a sign of her interest in me or in my actions but because I didn't believe what I witnessed I just went along as if it never happened.

About the experience:

We took the bombs over several days and I don't remember which experience belongs to which day. I do know that the most significant experience, to me, was before we saw alborosie and if I look back on the internet it must have been the last day of the festival. I'm going to talk about that experience first.

Our tent was pretty far from the stage so we had some walking to do. We took our last bomb, I suppose, while still being in the camping area and set out. While on our way the effects started to become clearer. If it was really on the last day that this packet was taken then I'm pretty sure there was still some MDMA in my system from before although I'm no expert on the topic.

I was walking my usual goofy walk when I feel comfortable. The girl I was talking about earlier was walking a few meters before me at the left hand side still in hearing distance. I noticed a donkey to the right of us and made a remark to the group. That's when she shared a memory about how she was on a travel once, riding a donkey and it was a real stubborn one always going its own way. She paused there for a second or two and then added something like '…but I didn't mind!'.

It was this last piece of information that struck me with a feeling never before felt by me.

First was the realization, that she was talking to me at that time and only to me. It was like an alarm had gone off and everything in my mind was quiet, there was no thought because I didn't know what to think. This time, what was kept hidden by my conscious mind was revealed to me. I had opened up to the possibility that for the first time in my life a girl might be interested in me, or that is what I thought .

While the realization was seeping in, my eyes started to widen. I turned around to look at her and caught a last glimpse of her smiling before she turned around again to walk along.

Still in awe, I was slowly becoming aware of a tingly warm feeling in my hands, probably also my face and feet but I don't remember clearly. The feeling became stronger and at a certain point I felt the sensation moving towards the center of my belly like a warm flow coursing through my arms. I was amazed by this, couldn't understand it all yet. There was now a center of warmth at belly button height.

It didn't take long for the center to drop towards my genitals. Then the thinking re-emerged, I knew what was going to happen next. At the time I was wearing long swim shorts. It was a hot day and I felt comfortable in them but they are very loose there was no way for me to hide the erection that was to come. Lucky for me I had a backpack with me. I could follow the whole process, it wasn't as if in an instant I had an erection. Just like the flow of the warm feeling through my body I could slowly feel it rise under my shorts.

My mind was in overdrive. I didn't want to attract attention to myself so I had to come up with a way to hang my backpack in front of me without anyone noticing any weirdness about it. I took the bag off my back, opened it and went through it as if I was searching for something. By the time my penis was fully erect, and I mean fully, it was covered. I don't think anyone suspected a thing or maybe I neglected the few that did.

Either way, my mind was occupied with how I could get rid of it as walking in the middle of a road with people everywhere, coming from the camping and the stage (so in from both directions) wasn't an ideal place to have a full-on hard on. In the end I figured out I needed to focus on something else. Around that time I was reading about philosophy and Socrates and I helped myself by thinking constantly about the following: 'Philosophy is the love for wisdom. Wisdom is knowing you don't know anything.'

It worked, a great deal of the, extra, awkwardness was averted. None of my friends had seen my condition, I don't think she did either and if anyone else had figured out what happened to/with me then I hadn't picked up any signals about it.

I can go on about all the other stuff that happened those days, like how I tried to get to the backstage to alborosie, because he said through the mic we could go see him, with my own idealized reason to back me up and ending up crying in front of the stage because I knew I was too far off. I could tell about the feeling I had while standing at the very edge of a raging circle pit with the wind passing over my body. I could tell about how I was in the middle of a mosh pit at Gallows keeping my eyes fixed at the stage, people almost knocking me down from all sides, a feeling of invincibility.

I could tell about how I averted my friend from having an awkward situation with some unknown passing girl in the crowd when, while also tripping on MDMA, he reached out for her. I laid my hand on his shoulder as if he was my brother and with my arm resting in his neck we watched the bald heads from the neurosis frontmen push through the yellow smoke in front of the stage.

I could tell about a friend that, unrelated to my personal experience, saw what I would now call 'a vision' in the sky where a cloud formed a horse head at one side that transformed into the face of the girl I mentioned, she is known to be a horse-loving person, while on the other side of the cloud he saw a fish. He later explained the fish as referring to another friend who supposedly liked to fish but I always saw it as related to myself because my astrological sign is pisces (it could be I'm too vain to see the truth though).

Exp Year: 2011	ExpID: 108019
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 22
Published: Nov 1, 2024	Views: 27
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