DOSE:

2 hits

oral

LSD

(blotter / tab)

BODY WEIGHT:

150 lb

LSD and Intensive Solo Meditation

Drop 11:50 AM
Overall summary of events: walked around the park, went to a cafe, went home and alternated between meditating and sitting on my back porch and listening to music and smoking. This substance was tested using a home test kit and confirmed to be a variant of LSD.

+1:00 The effects became rather noticeable, hard to communicate well, becoming more aware of thought patterns around others, more mindful of my movements and others around me - particularly at the cafe I noted others banter and how it affected me - in this case a group of bros who were being somewhat loud, this did not greatly disturb me, I had a sense of curiosity. I maintained my gaze at the tree line and focused particularly on one tree. When I had entered a meditative state - the trunk’s bark began to curl somewhat and have a soft furriness to it like moth’s wings. This continued only as long as I meditated. When I softened my gaze and was mindful, everything had a bit of a warble or “breathing ness” to it. My altered perceptions didn’t make it too difficult to be around others.

+1:15 I sat in a gazebo in the park and meditated, looking at the floor, shapes began to appear in the floor in circular patterns. I was calm and excited, I noted my desire to reach out and speak to others but did not feel safe doing so as I was in public.

A note on physical exertion: I was very tired of walking at this point, I had been walking for 1 and a half hours at this point, since the beginning of my trip. This may have been partially due to soreness from being at the gym but I got somewhat concerned about my ability to continue walking

+1:30 I was relieved to get home my legs were tired. Transitions are of note here - I noticed myself at the intersection of all experiences and directions. I had given myself no structure so at this point I was drawn in many directions. I played around with noticing my awareness, such as when I was taking notes, and when I was talking to someone on the phone, and how that engaged different parts of myself. I noted that when I softened my gaze on trees and did not look directly at the limbs I could see the limbs turning into hands and curling inwards

+1:57
Checked in with my friend D, spoke somewhat in Spanish.

Note: This time period is when I began to meditate formally, in varying positions with varying degrees of formality. Sometimes outside just gazing, sometimes sitting upright and eyes closed, sometimes laying down and breathing.

+Between 2-3:30 I wrote “what surface, upon what surface, when plan, can a marble, or etch of your manifest be writ on… which words, what form, will be sufficient? Which is more right? Which is, is, more? Only that there be… aqui.” [here]

Overall at this point the process of what I was doing began to self analyze into a thought loop, somewhat. I found that my perceived need to understand the experience or be able to interpret it in a way that was meaningful to other significant peoples created certain types of struggles which I grew to accept and go past.. However this necessitated a new way of seeing the experience, a new acceptance, more integration.

+At 3:20 I wrote “periods of transition as identifying and then beginning to mold in each.. However structure is wanted to… basically take any lines to mold reality on… anything is what you make it.”

+3:31 I continued to meditate formally … I think this is the point where I began to let go of analysis and of perceptions’ of others’ interpretations etc etc.. However this created a depth and boundlessness of meditate state without grounding which was horrifying and magnificent… I wrote

“Meditation - horror and beauty, back and forth… processes… experience.. Images… self.. Flow… continuous.. Flow in one energy.”

[this meditation and its visions: this meditation was particularly intense… I noticed a general sense of repulsion about certain aspects of life, of humans, of being.. I was confronted with a wall of and bulging teeth and eyes and bile and filth and disgusting experiences of every sort… I noticed my reaction to them… accepted them… found myself wanting to accept them to move past them but when I did so I could not move past them… I had to truly accept the experiences, not just “accept them” in a superficial sense. I had to see those negative things in myself and accept them and befriend them and the like. I was able continue upwards upwards to a sensation of just me and a light at a mountaintop.. It was me and a peak and the sun was coming over the peak of the cliff… and I am the breathe by the light on the cliff… I sat with that

I then came to and did a chanting meditation… “hare krishna hare krishna krishna krishna hare hare hare rama hare rama rama rama hare hare” and I noticed myself stripping away aspects of myself… I was there in the room, then it was my breathe and my arms, then it was just my breathe and the words, then it was my sense of self as a person with the words, and then it was just the words with only the smallest sense of self attached, in that I knew I was the one saying the words but the words were simply being spoken] ….

[ as a side note about intensive meditations like this one… it is very hard to recall them with any meaning, as the most intense moments of connectedness with oneself and the universe are the ones in which there is no way to communicate that idea and no perceptions about the self and no experience rooted in language… for this reason my memory about these experiences is lacking and I struggled to create this synthesis of this meditation]

this proved difficult to integrate and I found myself unsteady, as I knew that “everything” on a eternal plane is fine and peaceful, but how identify myself with that same peaceful “okay”-ness proved a challenge

+3:30-4:30 I worked with this for some time, and was able to find some comfort, but almost abandoned the venture completely. I found that my body was extremely worn by then, I have smoked many cigarettes and the substance has worn on my mind. I felt somewhat frazzled and overwhelmed by the sheer imagery and immensity of the stimuli and reactions I was having. Without a way to structure the experience or ground myself I was lost. I found myself recalling my therapist's’ guidance (who guides me through meditation), which was to focus on my grounding (feet, back, legs, physical sensations etc) as well as my feelings - not the thoughts or stories about my feelings, just the visceral sensation of the feeling. I was able to sit with my feelings and meditate on the discomfort I felt - I felt that I was messing up the process and wasn’t doing it right. I told myself “you’re doing it wrong” and it immediately released an immense amount of tension. I told myself things like “it’s okay that it’s not okay” (some things along these lines). Then I was able to sit with the feelings and the breathe as an anchor long enough to find peace but be able to connect it to my sense of self and my body. I was able to feel a calm peace radiating throughout me. I can still call it to being at the time of this writing - 8:05. This peace I was able to take with me from the meditation and connect with myself.

4:38 I wrote a song to myself in Spanish and attempted to write some lines and notes in order to better recall it. [lyrics translated basically are “I’m saying to you from I don’t know where, I’m talking to you for reasons I don’t know why, what does it matter, the important part is… today… hello”

5:03 I took notes on the experience… at this point I was tired… tired physically, mentally, and wanted to speak with someone to get out of being in my own head so much. I wrote

“Meditation with little to no structure: very powerful, enlightening, however immensely (expensive), defying of self and out of context, hard to integrate….”
…. Back and forth, berating the self for “not doing it properly, facing the self”
…… structured meditation with grounding and feelings much more concrete and peaceful bliss in centering and connected way… everything really is okay.
Feeling need to understand self or report to others in certain ways or authorities…

The substance began to tone down and wore off almost completely by hours 7-8. I went and ate some food and was generally relaxed and mindful of my surroundings although somewhat on edge and tired. The food felt sustaining and revitalizing. Generally after hour 5 I chose not to use it to delve into my consciousness any longer so there is no more useful or unique data and I will end the report here.

In conclusion I want to state that my overall tone about solo trips, combined with meditation, is to proceed with caution... it seems like it can get messy, fast… I do not think I was quite experienced enough with meditation to go as far as I did. Since this trip I have more or less learned to access similar states without psychedelics (with less intensity) however utilizing psychedelics makes it much much easier to go deeper, faster.

Exp Year: 2016	ExpID: 108808
Gender: Not Specified
Age at time of experience: 23
Published: Oct 30, 2020	Views: 743
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LSD (2), Meditation (128) : Combinations (3), Alone (16)