DOSE: T+ 0:00	2 g		Syrian Rue
T+ 1:00	2.5 g	oral	Acacia confusa	(tea)

BODY WEIGHT:

148 lb

Background: This is my first trip in public and one of maybe 4 around any other people. It is valuable information 'for science' because ayahuasca is not commonly done in public or when active. Additionally, my background as a conservative Christian who is considering converting to Judaism adds another dimension to the difficult experiences I have, since it is hard to overcome lifelong worldviews. Finally, I think I demonstrated how psychotherapy can be used positively even without a trained therapist. It is now 2 days later, and I have noticeably less social anxiety, or at least I accept and deal with it more effectively (we'll see how long this effect lasts).

Usage history: I did around 20 trips at 6g acacia confusa (ingesting powder) primarily with 2 g Syrian Rue as the MAOI with occasional spotty results from B. caapi (yellow). On the 21st trip I got a bit freaked out but continued on for a few more, until I did 77g A. confusa in tea form (yes, seriously). That completely freaked me out and I took about a 2 year hiatus.

Now I have been testing the waters again, and the trips have been difficult regardless of the dosage. I am constantly hung up thinking about one thing: religion. I don’t even close my eyes anymore because the entities are disturbing to me and it seems like witchcraft. Anyway, I have been doing about 5g A. confusa, and primarily using B. caapi as the MAOI. This particular trip I used S. rue, and aimed to do a barely perceptible, RECREATIONAL dose of the A. confusa.

Thus it begins...

14:14 - 2g syrian rue; then drove about 45 minutes to college
15:14 - approx 2.5g acacia confusa as tea form (crock pot for 12 hours and then reduced)

Next, I walked a unicycle over to lock at the bike rack and carried over another approx 2.5 g acacia confusa (reduced tea) in a cup since I didn’t think I’d feel much from just 2.5g. I walked aimlessly around a meadow/tree area on campus and thought it would have been nice to bring my chair so I went and got it. Then I sat on a slope and ended up sitting on the grass anyway.

I probably came up within 20 minutes and it was pretty intense. Of course everything felt like witchcraft and I tried to hold onto reality like normal. I realize this is generally seen as bad (since you just can’t hold onto reality) but I have a hard time with it…

Anyway I decided it would be better to walk around so I went to pick up my bike which I had left about 1-2 miles away. It was a nice walk with just a few (the perfect amount of) people. I really enjoyed riding the bike because it was so smooth. After I got back to lock it with the unicycle I decided I wanted to ride it more so I went over to Col. dorm and saw some guys skateboarding. I locked my bike and watched them for maybe 10 minutes, grinning like a madman.

Once they were basically done I went inside and thought I remembered having a dream about being in the ground floor lounge, so I sat there a bit. Nothing happened except I saw that girl that I auditioned with for the comedy show, but didn’t talk to her. Then I think it was around 19:00 that I went down to play the piano.

There were three kids down there watching a video about a baby crying and I thought they were babysitting a kid in the media closet, so I asked if there was an actual baby there and then laughed stupidly when I realized it was just a video. Then I sat there awkwardly for probably 5 minutes before asking if they minded if I play. I forewarned them it would probably be bad.

Turns out I started slow and steady and it sounded (I think) really good. Eventually I thought I might throw up so I asked them their stance on MJ legalization and forewarned them that I might (they seemed cool enough). I didn’t throw up though. It seemed like my playing was better than normal so I asked them if it sounded good and they said yes. I told them I didn’t think I’m normally this good, so I’d record it to see!

I was worried more what people listening to the recording would think so I didn’t play as well. Upon review it doesn’t sound that great but I think that’s just cause I was more nervous. After about 6 more minutes they left and on the off chance they would call the cops I changed shirts and left. On the main floor in the formal lounge was a guy playing piano REALLY well.

I noticed he was so rushed (playing too quickly), and then when we talked he rushed to talk. I thought maybe he was insecure about what people think about him so I asked if he was. He kinda said yes because he had just broken up with his girlfriend. He played some more, and we played together a bit but then he got up and we talked more.

He’s an alcoholic since age 14 or something but is 6 months sober. I told him I’m a porn addict. That it’s just always in the back of my mind. It felt like we really connected in a Jonathan/David (Biblical reference) sort of way. I experienced this in the trip as our bodies melding together and spheres of us transforming from each other (like the peace symbol with the white circle in the black part and vice versa).

Then he had to go so I started heading to International Studies building for core group (Christian Bible study) and did some psycho therapy on the way I guess. I realized how the things Mx and I were talking about just flowed from one thing to another based on a “train of thought” or a symbol e.g. alcoholism, insecurity. I could realize the little things that went into his behavior and act on them. I thought carefully about what to say to help him and NOT BECAUSE I WANTED HIM TO THINK HIGHLY OF ME. When I started thinking of myself that’s when I went into dips in the conversation.

Now I’m walking and speaking into my microphone but as a person walks by I start to speak quieter. Why? Why am I so embarrassed about nothing? Then I worked at being friendly with people, open to sensing their emotions in a “gut feeling” type of way, and tried talking the same level whether I was near someone or not.

As I turned right off into the arboretum, I added in hand gestures. I just want to be myself and not censor and worry about how other people perceive me! Then I sat down under a tree and continued talking. I realized the significance of how everything has a little connection to everything else and if I can think of unique connections I can utilize them in conversation or any situation to mold it… I know this sounds stupidly simple.

I questioned why I was embarrassed around people and realized it may be connected to porn. I talked out loud openly and forced myself to continue at the same level when people walked by (there were only 4 people probably over 10 minutes). I acknowledged that I have this problem but also that I can overcome it by taking control over my eyes and thoughts, even dreams.

Next I headed inside but continued talking. I don’t remember everything, but I thought back to how I got started looking at porn and I think it was from the Maxim magazines on dad’s bathroom floor. I accepted that I have a problem, acknowledged how blessed I was for such a small problem, compared to others, but then thought about how many things connote (or flow; are integrated) with the word “blessed”. I think of holier than thou Christians. So I used the word thankful.

I started getting tired because I was walking up and down the stairs and had already done a lot especially while high. I realized while I shouldn’t worry what people think of me I do need to have a balance. I can’t for example act like I’m drained or people might worry about me. If I walk into a cocktail party I’ll behave differently than a rave. I guess the idea is just not being too anal retentive and self conscious. I thought but didn’t mention that this may have something to do with the mild but constant hemorrhoids I have had for about 2-3 weeks now. I’ve been trying to prove myself to my peers when it doesn’t really matter. I care about them but I don’t care what they think about me… then of course with a side of balance and not crazy behavior.

Eventually I started wondering what to do next. I really wanted to sleep but I knew I wouldn’t be able to so I went looking for core group. They were just finishing up the discussion.

I think I acted normal and contributed thoughtfully. My prayer request was acknowledging that I still have a problem with porn, and I really want to do what God wants but I’m confused about religion. We prayed and went to the foyer to wait for some people. I think I held normal conversation and gave input using integration/connections, etc. Eventually we went out to the cars. I think we maintained pretty normal conversation, but then I thought I was hearing this hard rock song say Jesus Christ over and over. I asked and I think Avr said something that rhymed or sounded similar to JC.

After that it seemed like we drove forever, and I noticed I was losing it. I wasn’t able to hold conversation because I kept thinking about religion. At first I thought I was acting cool by jiving to the music and putting my sunglasses on and waving at people. Then I couldn’t maintain it as we were driving.

I felt kinda like I was dying and like I might throw up because of the curves. At one point we passed a wreck and I was very sad because there were people standing outside the cars, which were really messed up with airbags in the windows and wrinkled front end. The cops were there with firemen. I think there were two fire trucks. It put me in a bad disposition. I was thinking a lot but I don’t know much what. It had to do with sex and religion and death and law (government law/ police control).

Once we finally got to the tower I was freaking out inside. I had a bad feeling about the tower. There were people in flashlights up in it and I kept wondering when the cops would come and arrest us. All my friends were BSing and standing in a circle but I was just trying to stand and not look too fucked up, on the outskirts. (I forgot to mention, I had been given the task of guarding the sugary treat they had because I don’t eat sugar. So I kept holding that). Then they started going up the tower and some people stopped to pee which I was uncomfortable with.

Some people kept asking if I was going up the tower but I didn’t think I could handle it so I just said no thanks basically, each time. A few people wondered if I was doing okay. I said I just didn’t want to talk about it. Once they left I kept thinking they were doing sexual stuff up there like having an orgy and jerking off so that it fell onto the ground. I didn’t want to be a part of this but I had already made the decision and I couldn’t leave or they would know there was a problem with me.

I wanted to go hide in the woods but thankfully had enough sense to realize that they would either find me or call the cops to find me. So I stood. I felt like a guard, but realized it was just a fake game and when the cops came my duties would be seen for the sham they were. Eventually another guy came down and sat on the car with his legs spread toward me. I turned around because I didn’t want any of his perverted sex things. He just got on his phone eventually. I’m not sure what was up with him or who he was.

At some point along this time I realized that patience was basically the answer to everything. During this whole time I realized I made a horrible choice that essentially killed me. I started having the “how do you tell the world Jesus Saves, JESUS SAVES!” thoughts, but thankfully didn’t give in and start acting crazy (I have had trips like this 3x now- where I think I’m experiencing the rapture and everyone is saying Jesus saves at the same time ). I just stood there. Patiently. I knew every knee would bow and every tongue confess that Jesus saves. But not yet. Just be patient.

I could see my mom in the great cloud of witnesses shaking her head like the first “Jesus saves” trip. She was trying to get me to realize this simple truth. I realized I would have to do it all over again to be tested on my patience. I thought of the movie about the guy who’s in prison wrongly for years and eventually digs through the wall to another cell, sneaks into a body bag, and escapes by swimming away after being dumped in the ocean. I realized that I was like a TV show character with everyone rooting for me to realize the truth (like the Truman show).

Eventually everyone else came down and only one or two people tried to make small talk with me thankfully. I sunk into the car and sat quietly, patiently, unmoving. We drove for an eternity it seemed. All the while I realized I ruined my life and would have to do it all over, like has been necessary since David (Biblical king) lived. How do you tell the world Jesus saves? Patience.

At one point Avr mentioned he was getting bad vibes from me and tried to talk to me about it. I said “Pray. Just pray.” I was in the great cloud of witnesses and we saw me in this place with eternally significant decisions and I would forget but if I could just BE PATIENT! I want to submit to what God wants but then I go off impatiently and watch porn, do ayahuasca, try to find a girlfriend. But then how can I be patient when I do have to react to stimuli and live life? I still don’t know.

I kept seeing religious symbols and realized that it was all worthless and they all integrated/connected back to Jesus Crist somehow. Why was I so stupid? Why couldn’t I just get that?! The feeling of looking at the world inside out was also there, like I saw the gears and how Jesus Crist was holding it together. There were colors too- especially pink and blue/green.

The knee jerk reaction is don’t do drugs, but I can’t make a promise like that. One significant thing I can take away from the experience is that I need to take control of my actions (thoughts about women especially), and that I need to be temperate in my life and balanced, but work patiently at what is given and be sensitive to accept the elevation that Jesus will point me toward. I don’t know. I guess today I would say just obey the Bible, and live righteously according to Torah but don’t get bogged down in Oral Torah and don’t get junked up on pagan philosophy (Jesus). I believe the Tanakh but I don’t know whether to believe Judaism or Christianity so I need to just patiently wait with the Tanakh, keep studying, keep working toward a better world of love. Can I do drugs? I don’t know.

Finally we got back and they dropped me at International StudiesThankfully Chr got out with me. I was so overwhelmed I didn’t know what to do. I told him I was tripping and asked him to take me to his house. He said it was 50 miles away. Then I said oh I should just go to my van. I asked him to walk me there. He was kind about it. He tried to talk and I told him I couldn’t. Finally we made it and I thanked him and shook his hand. I was paranoid the cops would show up or someone would knock on the door but thankfully it was uneventful.

I fell asleep by listening to Sons of Korah. Everything integrated back into accepting free forgiveness because that’s the only option since we cannot be good enough. I slept nicely and woke up at 7 but hung out for an hour thinking before getting up.

This trip was one of the stronger ones I’ve had which is surprising considering the low dose. I’m glad I didn’t do this during the school day. Note to self: be very very cautious if you decide to trip around people!

I am so thankful to be alive in such an interesting world. Even when the bad things happen, I know it will change eventually. Just be patient.

Exp Year: 2018	ExpID: 112360
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 21
Published: Sep 17, 2018	Views: 1,393
[ View PDF (to print) ] [ View LaTeX (for geeks) ] [ Swap Dark/Light ]
Acacia confusa (664), Huasca Combo (269), Syrian Rue (45) : Combinations (3), Public Space (Museum, Park, etc) (53)