DOSE: T+ 0:00	85 mg	oral	Pharms - Memantine
T+ 6:00	11 carts.	inhaled	Nitrous Oxide	(gas)

BODY WEIGHT:

145 lb

1. Preface

I forgot to write this all in one place again so this is just pieced together from various notes, text messages, and browsing history I could scrape together. Most of the times are an approximation.


2. Context

At the time of dosing:

-I have depression, anxiety, OCD, and ADHD.
-My mental health had been improving, but it back-slid over the winter break.
-I am a 21 year old college student.
-I am familiar with the setting. I'm in my single dorm on the tiny campus that I know very well.
-I have no drugs in my system.
-I have no tolerance to dissociatives.
-I got a full night's sleep the night before.
-I am not currently medicated.
-I have been abusing alcohol pretty heavily for the month leading up to this trip and am feeling burnt out.

My last experience with 85mg was deeply troubling and extremely uncomfortable, but 24+ hours of disso'd hell helped me step into a new phase in my life dedicated to self-improvement. I wanted that long, terrible kick in the teeth again.


3. Report

T+00:00 - I took 85mg of memantine in cranberry juice.

T+01:00 - First affects starting to kick in. Mild dissociation, some confusion. My thoughts are slow and my body feels light. Watched a jarring music video that really shook me up. Leaving my room to get some breakfast

T+02:00 - By the time I was done with breakfast I was very anxious and had just started to lose motor control. I feel uncoordinated. Balancing my plate and cup on my way back to the dish line was difficult. Rushed back to my dorm before I could make a fool of myself in public. Feeling spacey and restless.

T+03:00 - Texted my friend for a bit, browsed forums and videos online. I'm clumsy and stumbling a bit, but I'm able to use a keyboard and phone just fine. I've been thinking about how impossible it is to accurately remember trips. My experiences while dissociated don't map to memories that can actually capture what it feels like. I crafted some wonky metaphor that basically amounted to a more complicated version of "square peg, round hole," but it felt profound at the time.

The mental models I use to understand the world feel like they're dissolving. I don't know if that's possible, though It would explain why it's impossible to remember anything right.

T+05:00 - Both the anxiety and nausea ramped up really fast in the last 2 hours so I decided to take a warm shower relax. I'm very dissociated now and my sense of touch is limited, but I could still feel the warmth of the water. It was really nice. I got into some cozy pajamas and am now hanging out on my bed again. Listening to music and staring at the ceiling. Whatever I focus on seems to consume my vision just like last time. The walls look like they're kind of yellow but upon closer investigation it's just a hallucination. I'm less nauseous now, but I took 25mg DPH just in case. Still anxious.

Closed eye visuals are rapid, wandering, random, and hazy. I don't remember most of them when I open my eyes. Thinking about life and where I'm at right now. Heavy confusion, brain fog, and extreme difficulty remembering things. I lose my train of thought often and am at a complete loss as to what I've been thinking about.

Distinct time distortion. Time feels like it's moving so slowly. I keep looking at the clock thinking an hour's passed only to find it's been just a few minutes.

Mild music enhancement. Mild headache.

T+06:00 - Went through 11 N2O chargers and had to stop. The N2O high lingers for some time, the aftereffects trailing on for at least 10 or 20 minutes. There were no additional open eye visuals beyond the usual blurring and distortion characteristic of dissociatives. When I closed my eyes I saw a colorful static as though my "mind's eye" were a TV that'd been flipped to a non-channel. I was enveloped in a very psychedelic headspace. At the peak I experienced the same synesthesia I usually have with N2O where it feels like all my sensory inputs are tangled up, every nerve condensed to a single point.

With my eyes closed I momentarily believed I was a consciousness made of pure energy. I felt it was important enough to write down that "we [humans] are how conscious energy manifests itself." At the time it felt like a profound realization.

I kept sucking down balloons and browsing the web until it felt like something snapped inside me. I could feel my mind and my body telling me to stop, that "this is it," and "If you want some sign or change or switch flipped this is it. Just stop."

I had gone through 10 in about an hour. The effects seemed to get more intense each time. It was like each peak was stacked on top of another. In typical nitrous fashion, I always felt like I was getting so close to achieving some perfect, dissociated state that I could never quite reach. So I thought to myself "but I'm SO close that nitrous-nirvana that I want. I feel it right there, just one more should do it."

The last balloon was overwhelmingly intense. I took the hit and it all got just got too weird, too deep, and too hard to remember. At the peak I realized that more N2O was never going to get me closer to what I wanted. I would regret it, but I feel like I ultimately got harsh reality check I went into the trip looking for.

I stood up, threw away the empties, packed up the dispenser in its original box, and put all the paraphernalia back in my closet. Now I'm just sitting in my room thinking about things. Made a personal commitment to sobriety for the next month and to use in less destructive patterns in the future.

Something felt different. I wrote down on a sticky note "SOMETHING'S CHANGED FOR THE BETTER. Have faith in yourself."

Time will tell if that means anything or not.

More music enhancement but with extremely psychedelic characteristics - the kind that are so "weird" that it's hard to put into words. It's like I'm not processing it as music anymore.

The anxiety is just about gone. My headache has worsened.

Drinking another cranberry juice, cleaning my room, and waiting to be sober again.
At the end of an N2O session I always feel weirdly focused and in control regardless of what I mix it with. That tends to wear off eventually though.

T+12:00 - Went out to try and buy a pizza. My anxiety returned the moment I stepped outside. The guy behind the counter tried to flirt with me again but I'm not capable of holding any conversation beyond the small, polite words and phrases I barely manage to force out of my mouth.

My sense of taste is dulled but GOD it feels so good to eat. I'm starving.

Watching Netflix now and building a little garden in Minecraft. Biding my time.
More time distortion. This time it's moving too fast. 6 hours felt like minutes.

It's been a long day.

T+14:00 - Going to bed now. It's hard to think. Still experiencing a heavy fog and poor recall. Coordination is nearly back to normal but I'm still fairly dissociated. I don't know if something is actually different, but I'm trying to have faith.


4. Retrospective

Got the job done. Came back to reality feeling re-invigorated, reminiscent of the my last memantine trip. I took my month of sobriety, returned to drugs in moderation, and have kept a more vigilant eye on drug use ever since. The only hitch from this trip was that I lost the ability to visualize things in my head. My "mind's eye" was blind. It returned after a few days and is now just a clear as it was before. I didn't see any other reports of this happening on memantine so I figured I'd include it. For more information you can look up "acute drug induced aphantasia."

With love,
~180OnTheDVP

Exp Year: 2019	ExpID: 114110
Gender: Not Specified
Age at time of experience: 21
Published: Feb 18, 2020	Views: 3,018
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Pharms - Memantine (309), Nitrous Oxide (40) : General (1), Combinations (3), Music Discussion (22), Depression (15), Hangover / Days After (46), Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), Alone (16)