DOSE: T+ 0:00	14.5 g	oral	Mushrooms	(dried)
T+ 0:00		oral	Chocolate
T+ 0:30	1 cig.	smoked	Tobacco - Cigarettes
T+ 45:10	17.5 g	oral	Mushrooms	(dried)
T+ 45:10	9 g	oral	Mushrooms	(fresh)
T+ 45:10		oral	Chocolate
T+ 45:40		smoked	Tobacco - Cigarettes
T+ 92:46	36 g	oral	Mushrooms	(dried)
T+ 92:46		oral	Chocolate
T+ 92:46		smoked	Tobacco - Cigarettes

BODY WEIGHT:

360 lb

I am Zeke, a male 56 year old technical professional who has experienced tremendous success in several corridors of my chosen profession. I recently attended my second Psilocybin assisted retreat in Jamaica. I had returned after my first retreat several months earlier to continue the journey I had begun. It became clear in that retreat that it was going to take larger doses than normal to achieve the relief I was searching for.

You see, I have struggled on and off with depression for the last four decades and through various forms of self medicating, including 30 years of overeating, had become a rather large individual. At 6’ 5” and 400lbs the standard dosing regimen, while producing modest results, was not providing the relief and deliverance I had heard so much about and hoped for . They say physical size doesn’t always correlate with the required dose but rather the constructs of mind. I have had an incredible lifetime of unique and challenging experiences which must have left me with a strong mental construct. It was time to get serious about wellness and overcoming that which was weighing me down, literally. Through consultations with the knowledgeable leaders at [the retreat center], I had returned to embark on a journey of even larger doses. The Psilocybin definitely plays a large role but when combined with the group preparation, support, and integration, the experience is providing healing and relief to many who had given up hope of such results. I am one of the many who can testify to the unquestionable healing properties of their work.

The retreat ran from Sat to Sat with doses on Sunday, Tuesday, and Thursday. Group integration sessions were held before each dose and on the off days in between to assist with processing the experience. There were various other group activities and impromptu gatherings where the integration continued. Below is an outline of my experience.

Sunday 14:30

Dose:
14.5 grams dried, a bit of chocolate and water. Nicotine 30 mins after dose

Onset:
Nothing for 30 mins, slight perception shift followed by immediate and almost instant launch

General:
Turned on Johns Hopkins playlist upon sitting after a cig. Placed eye mask on and almost instantly launched with loss of body awareness within first song. Realized quickly the playlist I was listening to had been modified. Very funky music to start. Too late to change. I was totally absorbed. It was going to take me. Initial extreme sexual arousal, all mental, no physical. Driven by the music. Momentarily paranoid a tampered playlist might corrupt my mind. Lots of beautiful but warped visuals in synch with the songs. Perceived the music was being enhanced within my mind. Very pleasurable. In awe of this altered reality.

Feelings and thoughts would completely shift with each new song and each song felt like an hour or more. Millions of thoughts and memories existed all at once and it was incredibly energizing. Realized I was in full psychosis and welcomed it. Finally, I had permission and a good reason to be completely insane. Began wandering around my mind, as if with a flashlight, exploring the deepest untouched regions of my psyche. I felt what I was doing was dangerous, but I had no fear. This went on for what felt like days, oscillating between titillating excitement and sheer terror but it all felt the same. Just emotion. I had no awareness of others or myself until I sensed someone near me. I began to flare my nostrils and growl to prevent any interaction.

And the beast returned. This is the Beast which first presented itself to me on my third dose of my first retreat. Not sure what species it is but Large, powerful and guttural. I went with it for a while growling louder and louder filling myself up with a great power. I remembered an instruction from my reading that when you become an animal while tripping, try to find its shadow and become it. I did and was immediately outside the beast watching it. I was in awe of its strength and power when a great new sense of fear came over me. An even greater power surrounded me. This was it, the omnipotent sentient being. I pushed forward anticipating monumental enlightenment. But it would not engage or acknowledge my presence. No introduction, no message, just its presence around me doing unseen work. I felt a distinct barrier of understanding and was wanting more. It showed no interest in me. I finally gave up trying and chose to be satisfied just to get into the music. It slowly retreated around behind me and was absorbed into the reality that was beginning to reform. The next several hours were spent fully absorbed in the music and it was FANTASTIC! I could experience whatever I imagined.

It Felt like days had passed before the lead facilitator tapped me on the shoulder out of concern my chair was about to collapse. I was jolted into the present from someplace very far away and I was quite disoriented. A crowd had gathered in the distance as the events of their day had drawn to a close and they were inviting my presence for a walk. Walked down to the beach with everyone trying to contain myself. Was in total awe of what had transpired. If that was insanity, I wanted more!

Major themes:

Totally mind blowing visual and aural hallucinations
I’m comfortable with insanity
Almost got all the way there!

---

Tue 11:40

Dose:
9 grams fresh (thank you!) + 17.5 grams dry. Total 26.5. Chocolate, juice, and water. Nicotine

Onset:
Wandered for a good 30 minutes. Saw a facilitator, and a fellow returning guest, stretching in the “purging” area and decided to give it a try. Just copied them at first, then began contorting and stretching my body in weird ways that felt great. Tried purging: nothing, but did hack up a big loogy that felt great. Smoked a cig. Finally started feeling a bit dizzy so went and sat down (same spot) launched same playlist and placed eye mask. Didn’t launch like Sun but slowly settled in for what I hoped to be a long productive journey.

General:
Had a short period of visual and aural hallucinations but nothing as intense as Sun. Suddenly was aware of everyone in their own spots. Sundays’ trip was all inward, this one was shaping up all outward. Was getting intense premonitions about others along with waves of extreme nausea. Once again tried to gag and purge. Wasn’t happening. I wondered whether what I was sensing was real or just me being grandiose. Before the trip I had communicated with everyone the desire to be alone and arranged with [a facilitator] to leave me secluded unless I gave a specific predetermined signal. I realized this was a mistake. I had an intense desire to be with everyone and walk with them in their experience. I began testing the energy around me by waving my hands as a guest from my previous retreat had taught me. Some weird shit started happening.

I remembered a goop lab episode where a doc in training was trying to learn how to massage energy fields around people. He freaked when he felt the ability to reach inside of others’ bodies. I heard the person to my right struggling and sensed a commotion. I could feel it. I reached out to engage the energy and my hand slipped inside her back from behind. I was able to grasp her lower spine with my fingers splaying her vertebrae and squeeze. There was crackling and realigning occurring. She shuddered in my grasp. It suddenly felt incredibly invasive to be doing what I was, so I withdrew. I was puzzled as to what had just happened and wrote it off to temporary insanity! In integration the next day, before I shared, she described a spasm in her lower back that she had asked a facilitator for assistance with and as she struggled, it abruptly moved down her back to her upper thighs. Freaked me out a bit to say the least. I remember thinking, if I wouldn’t have doubted, maybe more could have happened for her.

The rest of the trip became incredibly physical. I became ill, head hurt terribly, stomach, intestinal cramps, felt like the worst flu ever. It was weird though because I was perfectly content and comfortable. I had the sense my veins were brimming with Psilocybin among other compounds and it was coursing through my body like a mix of Comet and bleach scrubbing and cleaning away years of residue left behind by negative energy and emotion. The “fresh” had contributed and I could feel the filth flowing out my toes and fingers and being exhaled out with every deep breath. The pain and heaviness previously experienced in my abdominal area was slowly dissipating. I was as physically ill as I can ever remember but the compounds at work were serving as anesthesia as well as the cleaning agent. I again saw the beast only now it was lying on its side. I got up close to its head and realized it was laboring to breath, nostrils flaring, in the throes of death. It was agreeable with its end, and graciously expired as if willfully passing the baton of its life force to another. It was sad, but only to me.

I then began feeling currents running through my extremities and could not sit still. I fidgeted madly whilst the mushrooms did their work. I had a strong desire to jump up and dance to the beating drums being played by those surrounding me I could not see. I however remained tethered to my chair and remember hearing them say, “that’s all right, dancing would make our job easier, but we gonna get it done anyway”. At one point I remember asking, is this it? Is this all 26.5 grams is going to be? The answer was immediate and complete. “What we offer is not of your control”. I was humbled and grateful and hit with a great sense of peace. And then the Euphoria. MY GOD! The euphoria. I’ve done some pretty gratification-oriented drugs in my lifetime but nothing, NOTHING compares to what I was filled with for the rest of the day. I was beside my self with gratitude and pure bliss. Goosebumps just writing about it. Whatever I had gone through that day certainly resulted in healing!!!

Major themes:

Connection with others
Physical scrubbing
Humbled to peace and inner Joy, Gratefulness!

---

Thursday 11:16

Dose:
36 dry grams. Chocolate and water. Nicotine (supposed to be 35 grams but had decided to ask for an extra capsule for 35.5. As the lead facilitator dispensed, I was pondering how to ask when I saw him count out 36. I was speechless and knew it was perfect!)

Onset:
Slow build up beginning at around 30 minutes. Fully engaged at around an hour. No clear recollection of intensity after that till several hours later.

General:
Had chosen to go no music, no eye mask and was hoping for more of a group experience. Wandered aimlessly for a while, smoked several cigs. I was focused on the ground as I wandered, and litter began to present itself. I felt the need to purify the area, so I began collecting it and delivering it to a lovely young facilitator, one handful at a time. I soon could find no more and settled into a pattern of walking back and forth across the grounds. I continued looking down as I walked but could sense bubbles of personal space around others and steered clear. I finally began feeling weak and exhausted so went and sat in my designated spot. Probably took an hour to be fully engaged. I was growing impatient, so I placed the eye mask on and started the music.

Ah! the playlist, I had been so suspicious of the first day but now it was familiar and comforting. (to this day I listen daily, listening right now in fact as I write) I’m not sure when the weirdness began but it did! I began slipping into an altered state of consciousness. For reasons unknown to me the music quit. I knew there was no way I could recover it, so I sat quietly listening to natural surroundings for what seemed like ages before feeling the need to remove eye shades. I sensed I was once again very ill but it was distant and had minimal impact. I couldn’t see very well. A heaviness came over me, it was hard to breathe and I began to feel a huge responsibility for the area and others. At this dose, I was the Captain of the ship! “O fuck, here I go again, diverting from MY work by taking responsibility for others!” At some point the resident therapist came by, put her hand on my shoulder and quietly said, “you are doing some heavy lifting”. Wasn’t until then I realized I had been quietly weeping, tears running down my face. I decided, “what the hell!, I am going with this”.

I can only describe what happened next as other worldly. Earlier in the day I had heard others weeping. It was agonizing and yet beautiful. I began conducting it with my hands and helping it to emote. Now, another participant was to my right writhing with convulsions. I started to feel an intense tingling in my mouth, so began contorting my tongue. To my surprise, [this person], who was not looking at me abruptly stopped convulsing and began doing the same. I held my right hand out and she snapped towards me and smiled. I was very confused. I waved my hand in the air and the energy of the entire area began to be stirred. Down at the far end of the area, I could see a fellow guest walking and stirring with his left hand. (He later reported feeling a great energy working down his left arm and out through his hand.) He was the Ying, I was the Yang. I felt a surge and shot my open right hand towards the person to my right. She instantly began convulsing. HOLY SHIT! Did I cause that? She was surrounded by several Facilitators and a nurse, and the lead facilitator was in and out. They were all smiling calmly and aiding her. I waved and swirled and again, BAM! with an open handful of energy toward her. Another instant response with major convulsions. I did this repeatedly, all the while weeping with a sense of intense humility. There was no longer a question in my mind of correlation. This is not of me, but it is acting through me! This carried on for quite some time. I remember asking both the lead facilitator and resident therapist at separate times whether I should keep doing this. They each responded, “keep doing what you’re doing”.

At one point I howled like a coyote, or wolf. It was a primitive weeping calling howl and the resident dog and trip companion, ran up and sat to my right facing the woman convulsing, with ears up fully alert. I waved my hand over the dog; shot another bolt and she ran towards her. And that’s when the peak of otherworldliness occurred. I later described the feeling as being so drunk you’re not sure you’re conscious even though you’re awake. Everything slowed down and none of us were human any longer. We were primitive beasts existing in a herd mooing and chewing our cud mindlessly looking over at this dog and this woman while something magical was happening. It felt like the birthing of a calf and every organic creature that ever existed was involved. That sentient being, the creator of all, was present and working through every one of us. We were but organic prisms redirecting pure light towards this birth. The sun was low in the sky. The birds sang overhead. The goats bleated. And the wind blew, all in perfect harmony for one specific holy purpose. I could hear music play and angels sing and I was NOT wearing headsets! It is a moment that was so clear and perfect, a moment yet a lifetime. A moment I will NEVER forget. The trip before, I had experienced euphoria. This was Nirvana! I spent the rest of the evening being overcome with waves of gratefulness. All I could do was chant, “thank you, thank you, thank you” under my breath repeatedly until I could gather my wits about me. Interestingly I am still, eight days out, being hit with these waves. Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!

Major themes:

It aint me, or about me
We can do for others what we believe we can
We are all but a reflection of our creators’ light

After thoughts:

I love [the retreat location]

From the moment I landed on the Island, my journey reignited. On the long van ride West, oblivious to the tumult behind me, (long story) I began remembering and running through recurring dream sequences I have had in life, many from long, long ago. My brain was preparing.

I walked around the “trip space” before the first dose and was drawn to the area I eventually made my spot. I was told after the fact that it was the re-birthing area. I was also informed by the proprietor of this property, several days later and unbeknownst to me, she had suggested it for me.

I was struck with many premonitions and epiphanies while there, only a few of which I feel comfortable sharing. Some things unknowable must remain unspoken. I did share some while there.

What is reflected above is only an infinitesimal portion of my experience. So much would be impossible to express in words. Maybe as time passes, more and more.

If the source of physical pain and illness is repressed emotion, Psilocybin is the psychic penicillin. The antidote to the organic poison of trauma.

I enjoy insanity

I spent much time thinking of everyone from my Jamaica experience.

I’ve never felt more sane

When I arrived, I couldn’t imagine being as comfortable and close with this group as the first. By Friday, I couldn’t believe we’d only been there a week. The depth of relationship that developed was astounding, even though I’d been through this once already.

Nicotine is a powerful Psilocybin enhancer. Unfortunately, smoking is disgusting and harmful, and can easily become an addictive habit.

I will medicate with Psilocybin again

Thank you to the retreat staff for allowing such a massive dose. I recognize this presented additional risk and I am grateful for their courage. I can’t imagine anyone that does this better than them!

And now………. Ready for a bigger one 😊

Exp Year: 2020	ExpID: 114231
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 56
Published: Apr 14, 2020	Views: 831
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Mushrooms (39) : Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), Multi-Day Experience (13), Depression (15), Entities / Beings (37), Music Discussion (22), General (1), Large Group (10+) (19)