DOSE: T+ 0:00	3 mg	vaporized	5-MeO-DMT	(powder / crystals)
T+ 0:05	6 mg	vaporized	5-MeO-DMT	(powder / crystals)
T+ 0:10	12 mg	vaporized	5-MeO-DMT	(powder / crystals)

BODY WEIGHT:

115 lb

The process, facilitated by two experienced guides:

5-MeO-DMT powder, vaped, in three doses using glass vapor genie:

T + 0: 3 mg
T + 5 min: 6 mg
T + ?10 min: 12 mg

The 3 mg dose I don't remember anything about. The arc of the 6 mg dose and the 12 mg dose was essentially the same, the symphony described below. After the 6 mg dose I said "don't let me forget this, I won't forget this will I?" It was so incredibly clear, and then it started to scatter and I feared I might forget it so immediately went for the 12 mg dose which delivered the same experience with infinitely more clarity.

In order for the lesson to be received as I received it, it was psychologically necessary to see it as having been orchestrated and delivered by "someone" and my ego, once back online, attributed this skill to my guide. I have since realized that of course she did not orchestrate my inner experience, but to absorb it with the impact I did, that step was necessary. The belief that "she did it" was a bridge to a fuller understanding of what was learned.


Backstory that may be relevant:

I am an American woman in my 50s, with several kids and a successful career in health care. I struggled with addiction as a teenager, overcame that, struggled with more compulsive behaviors and addictions since, mostly in check now. I have a lifetime history of anxiety and tendencies towards depression, with at least two prolonged periods of major depression in my life, now resolved. I have no particular trauma history other than the trauma of being an empathic human in this world.

I identified as pagan during my 20s, and as a hippie since I went to my first rainbow gathering at 21. I was raised by atheist leftist intellectual parents without any particular spiritual direction or tradition. I have lived with ideals of justice, egalitarianism and freedom as my guiding principles. My highest values are truth, honesty, love, compassion and integrity.

I have been seeking non-dual awakening most of my adult life. I began studying meditation with a ten day Vipassana retreat in my 20s, with a meditation practice that could be described as sporadic at best since that time. I gradually dropped any identification with paganism, aside from deep reverence for the natural world, and would describe myself as a "secular Zen Buddhist, sort of" if a label were needed. I have gone on two 1-week long silent meditation retreats with Adyashanti in the past 10 years and have read every book I can find on the topic of non-dual awakening in that time.

I believe in the scientific method and eschew magical thinking in all its forms, and yet I can not accept materialism as a logical explanation for What Is. It makes less and less sense to me the longer I live. I have lately found monistic idealism as described by Bernardo Kastrup to be the most intellectually satisfying explanation for what reality is.

I have been using psychedelics as a tool for understanding reality in earnest for the past 3 years. I have found the most insights from psilocybin, ketamine and MDMA. I have experience with LSD, MDA, N,N-DMT and various other less interesting drugs. I was a stoner for years, but have no interest in marijuana for at least 20 years now.

I have read every book and article I can find on 5-MeO-DMT in the past 3 years and have been seeking this molecule like the Holy Grail in that time. It has taken 3 years to come to me. This was the correct time frame. It never was up to me.

I have read many awakening experiences and never had one of my own, not really. My deepest, most secret and shameful fear has always been that I am deluding myself, and that perhaps there is actually no Truth that can be known, or that I am for some reason not worthy or capable of knowing it. My terror was that I might die without ever having been absolutely sure of anything.


The symphony in movements


The deconstruction

As the smoke leaves my lungs and gentle fractals whirl extremely rapidly, awareness focuses into a tunnel heading towards a point. "I've been training for this my whole life" is my last thought in words. Every life experience is instantly seen as relevant then discarded, peeled away, released, its gem of meaning consolidated into the elegant, unified path of understanding unfolding within. All identities released. All self inquiry absorbed. All non-dual intellectual understandings metabolized. All meditation experiences understood. All psychedelic lessons integrated.


The pinnacle

Everything falls away. The sum total of my life's quest is balanced on a tiny, silent pinnacle and there is no further path ahead. A feeling of uncertainty, apprehension, nowhere to turn, what now? A pause.


The void

The pinnacle vanishes. The gem of the sum total of my life's quest silently goes "poof". There is NOTHING. There is NOTHING. There is NOTHING. The sensation is abject. Utterly lost. No one to orient and no experience to orient to. Drifting, writhing, with utter helplessness in the void. There is no coming back from here. It was nothing all along. This is not a metaphor. This is the absolute reality. There is no one to have an emotion but if there were it would be one of existential horror and futility and ultimate aloneness.


The gathering of energy

From the writhing, helpless drifting, energy begins to swirl and grow and gather, colors of deep blue and purple, like liquid metal, swirling in a cosmic whirlpool, pressure growing, all the energies of the void collapsing together with incredible velocity and infinite force. There is something again, that which would orient tries to find the orientation to the rising energy as it grows to infinite intensity and focuses into a single point.


The singularity / the realization / the ultimate irreversible surrender

The energy collapses into a singularity containing all of space and time and awareness, absolute pure reality as it is, utter certainty, the I Am.

Surprise, shock, realization, ecstasy as the single pure shining high note of reality as it is shatters the person, destroys it with joy and no turning back. This is all that matters. This is all that is. Transcendent understanding. Absolute certainty.

All that once seemed important is moot here at the end of the story. Everywhere and nowhere. The understanding is embraced with urgency and abandon. The obviousness is overwhelming. At the core of reality there is ultimate certainty. This is worth every sacrifice and surrender is total.


The supernova of reality as it is

The singularity gives birth to Reality As It Is in a supernova like a cosmic orgasm. Reality as it is without orientation. All prior concepts are seen as pure illusion, laughable, HILARIOUS. The idea that a person's ideas about reality have any relevance to anything at all is FUCKING HILARIOUS. The idea that there is something to be attained is FUCKING HILARIOUS. I get it!! The full force of the joke hits me. The mastery of the set up, destruction and revelation hits me. My guide is holding my hand smiling a smile that confirms for me at the deepest level what I already know, which is this truth can never be unseen, nothing has ever mattered, this is the cosmic joke, and it was masterful. Not a step was missed, not a motion wasted in the execution of this lesson. The impact has destroyed me and I am so grateful and I say to her fiercely "That was PERFECT. You are a MASTER. You are a FUCKING ARTIST."


The fall and the impossibility of anything mattering

Identity returns and it is meaningless. It is HILARIOUS. The idea that the only true thing in existence, once seen, could be forgotten, is HILARIOUS. Everything is hilarious! I laugh and laugh and laugh. Every idea that occurs to me is hilarious. The idea that anything could ever have mattered is hilarious! I laugh and writhe and kick my feet. I feel totally naked now, all lies and self deception are destroyed, because who would lie to whom? How would we ever fake anything? Nothing matters. I am reborn into truth. I am liberated. "Thank you, thank you, thank you" I say. Ideas and concepts are drifting tatters around me and I understand why people act so unpredictable and crazy after they smoke 5. It is impossible to self-censor, there is no one to censor, it can't be done. The "I" that emerges is not the one who went in. Nothing will ever be the same, this is clear. I laugh and laugh and laugh for half an hour at least, my beloveds looking on with love and questions and a bit of apprehension in their eyes. I can't tell them. This can't be told. Only my guide knows. "You are a fucking artist" I tell her again, needing to express this in some way. "I've never had a psychedelic experience like that. That's what I have been looking for. Thank you. Thank you. I'm done. I never need to have another experience in my life. That was it."


The aftereffects

The effect of this destruction has been overwhelming. I was deeply blessed to have an amazing community of chosen family with me on this retreat, who have held me as I laugh and cry and am unable to cook or eat or hold a conversation. There are layers upon layers of understandings unfolding. There has been joy and fear and ongoing "reactivations" in which the sensation of part of the experience overcomes me. This has occurred in others as well.

This molecule is not a "drug". I do not recommend this for partiers, thrill seekers, or mildly curious psychonauts. I am only at the beginning of this process, one week in, not sure how I will be able to function at work tomorrow for my first day back since the experience. Everything has changed in ways I can't understand. There is no undoing this. This is what I wanted.

I cannot stress enough how absolutely important it is for physical, psychological and spiritual safety to do this with an experienced guide and a strong, trusted container of supportive people to hold you afterwards. I do moderate to high dose psychedelics in my bedroom with my partner on the regular. One of the things I shouted hysterically in my uncontrolled laughter at the end of this experience was "imagine doing this alone in your bedroom!" - gales of laughter. This one is real.

I have long believed that the quote below is true. I hoped. I trusted... Now I know. Knowing is different.

"You live in illusion and the appearance of things. There is a reality. You are that reality. When you understand this, you see that you are nothing, and being nothing, you are everything. That is all." - Kalu Rinpoche

Exp Year: 2020	ExpID: 114954
Gender: Female
Age at time of experience: 50
Published: Nov 23, 2020	Views: 1,523
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