DOSE: T+ 0:00	1 drop	oral	LSD	(liquid)
T+ 4:00	1 - 3 hit	vaporized	Cannabis	(extract)

BODY WEIGHT:

235 lb

At the point of taking this substance, I was at a much better place than I had been in years. Feeling happy, joyful and relaxed. I still am, partly due to the experience talked about it this text.

I was in Nashville, TN from the eighth to the sixteenth of the month of February. I was over there visiting my boyfriend, staying at his house that he shares with his roommates. The experience occured on the twelfth. I had known there was a possibility that I would get to do this substance prior to the start of my visit, in fact, I knew months prior. I had no anxiety about it, there was no negative emotion surrounding the idea of the possibility. If anything, I was excited. Happy, in fact. I had researched this substance for the better part of two years before this opportunity, and I felt like I was ready, and if any time was a good enough time, it would be now. Being with the person that I love the most in the world.

The day before I dropped it, he and I went to the store to get snacks and such for the trip. Chips and peach gummies for the both of us, water for me, and he got an energy drink for himself. We wanted to be prepared as much as we could be.

My mindset was very relaxed. I didn't worry. I didn't think about the possibility of it becoming a bad trip, nor did I agonize over "what ifs." My reasoning for doing so was the idea that if I did, it would probably encourage such a negative train of thought.

At 11:55AM on that Wednesday, I asked him (I'll call him John) to put it on my tongue. He did so, as per my request. I started playing Final Fantasy 7 for a little bit. Right after you blow up the first reactor, after you get off the train, that is where I saved and quit.

Not feeling anything yet, we started watching the first few episodes of Neon Genesis Evangelion, an anime. Around the fourth episode of that, I started noticing it. My interest in it completely went away. After the first disc (four episodes) ended, we turned that off and I began feeling the LSD coming on more and more. By this time, it was T+ 2 hours. He brought in all of the snacks and such that we bought the day before and I picked up the bottle of water that he got for me. I remember holding it in my hand, turning it over and back up and over and back up, thinking, wondering, if this was the soul; if this was what the soul was. I asked him and he said, "Well, we /are/ mostly water." That stuck with me. It was to be a rainy day, too, and I thought that was a sign.

He went onto YouTube on his PS4 and he asked me if I had ever heard of this band called Heilung. I told him I thought I had, and I had indeed. He had saved a live version of one of their songs, Kriegsgaldr. He put that on, and I found that song was to be such a guide for me. That performance was very moving. A pure, tribal, welcomed cacophony of droning and throat-singing, combined with the melodic vocals of a female, who brought the performance together. I was guided deeper to the beginning of Ego Loss by this performance. And it was so easy. The experience hadn't started removing my body from the ego at this point, but I was insanely close to achieving Ego Loss.

A few moments of doing nothing but being with each other and being content in each other's company passed. I asked if he had heard about anybody on acid ever having visualized a wire while on this substance. He said he had not. In utter disbelief, I asked "Are you serious... Jesus Christ??" I had been visualing a fleshy wire, with a weight somewhere on it, strained absolutely to the point of snapping at any moment, and I realized that was consciousness. I plan on painting that visual.

He asked me if I wanted to go downstairs to get some leftover pizza that we had ordered the day before. The thought of doing something at all, doing anything, was very foreign to me. It was alien. I even greatly criticized the act. I said, "o...kay?" Somewhat apprehensive, I got up from his bed that we were sitting on, in his room (we were in his room for the majority of this whole trip), and when I got up, I could feel everything. I could feel all of my body, my flesh, my organs, touching itself and themselves. I started moving my body sensually as I stood in his room, the feeling of my clothes on my flesh bringing a pleasurable sensation. This heightened sense of touch persisted throughout the whole trip. I followed John downstairs. He led me over to the backyard door, onto the veranda so I could experience being outside at least once. It was overcast and gray. Mixed with the cool brown and sable of the dead leaves and trees that are prevalent in the wintertime, it was a very calming day... yet, it was much more than normal, of course. After I came back inside, we went to the kitchen.

Before we got our pizza, as he was heating it, he went over to his table and picked up a pineapple and walked over to me and handed it to me. When he handed it to me, I started laughing giddily. Not at the pineapple particularly, even though it did look funny and a little bit of my laughter was directed to it as an object, but mostly I was laughing at the very fact that he brought it over to me to hold. I think that point was what started Ego Loss. (And oh, how precious that was.)

We went back upstairs to his room and I said "we have no medium of reference to tell what consciousness is, but we have a frame of reference to tell what the body is..." or something like that. I looked outside, up at the sky, and had a sudden shattering realization. The weight of the universe came down on me, in that instant. I realized that the body that my awareness inhabited was nothing more than... A rare commonality made up of other nothings. Stardust. And that idea made me say, "Oh..." There was nothing more to say than that. It destroyed any sense of importance that I had built up of, and in, myself. And I found myself to be okay with this realization. My thoughts started whizzing by. I said "I can see why this can be very difficult for some people. This can be a lot to take in at once."

At that point, I think I went to the bathroom, if the placement of my memories of the trip serves me correctly. I had remembered people had said not to look at the mirror. So I looked at the mirror, as one would, of course. And I did not think of the person in the mirror as being me. It was a very comforting sensation, because although I knew it was me, it didn't feel like it was. I exchanged a knowing glance to the person behind the mirror as I washed my hands, and by God, it warmed my heart. I knew the person in the mirror knew everything I knew. I knew that person, separate from the life experience that is and was "me", knew my whole life experience from first memory to the present moment. It was a very precious moment. I went back out of the bathroom and into John's room.

He had a cartridge of vapable cannabis extract saved for this occasion, so I had a puff or three of that around this time. T +4.

I had told him I had wanted to listen to the whole Tool canon on the substance and he suggested we start doing that, but yet again, doing something felt alien, but I didn't feel any reason to object. He put on Opiate on YouTube. I picked up a piece of my pizza, feeling of it in my hand and the concept of eating was weird. The pizza felt like flesh in my hand. Like it was alive. At this point, I was peaking. I was not there at this point. The body ate a bite of the pizza.

I said to him, "This breaks down things, doesn't it?" and he agreed with me. I chuckled a little and asked him "What, are you just gonna agree with everything I say?" Looking back, that seems harsh, but I know he understood where I was coming from in the moment. I can't remember what he said at that point but it was something like "No... I felt like that when I was on it." Opiate finished and we went on to Undertow. John held me and laid me down next to him and we cuddled while Undertow was playing. I thought to myself "You are still thinking, you need to let go. Let go. L e t g o." I didn't go to sleep, but I was closing my eyes. I started feeling that I was not me, but I was, and had always been, John. I felt that my whole consciousness had been inside John's body this whole time, throughout my entire life. Even some of my memories played out before me, and where I was, he took my place. John's body was where I had been in the memories that played, and I was living out those memories as him.

I felt there was a white light enveloping everything in the room. There were no shadows, no colors other than white, except for his eyes. I visualized him just sitting on the bed, looking at me, or rather, looking at a point of view that I was seeing out of. Just bathed in white. It was not uncomfortable, it was not bright, nor blinding, just a pure white, but this awareness-experience that was experiencing things could tell the outlines of every object, and so, could tell what things were.

I opened my eyes. We cuddled and I was looking up at the popcorn ceiling periodically, seeing spirals and fractals going around the ceiling. Reds and blues and greens were dominating the edges of things, shining. Colors were much more vivid. Things breathed. Even as I gazed at my hand, it was breathing. I looked at the wall, and it was shifting and expanding, moving and bending in some places. Undertow ended before I knew it.
Then, we put on Ænima.

While we were listening to Ænima, right in the middle of "Forty-six & 2," John's roommates knocked on his door. We paused the song, he got up and answered it. They said they were going out to eat and asked John if he could deal with the internet guy downstairs, because they had called their internet provider about some problems they were having and they sent a guy out. Right here, I am glad that the trip didn't take a downward turn, because it could have. I was not worried at all. I felt very safe. John went downstairs, promising me he wouldn't be gone long, and I just lay on his bed, looking up at the popcorn ceiling. The spirals upon cubic spirals upon prolapsing cubic spirals that I witnessed were quite a sight to behold. He came back up before the guy left, just to check on me, and he went into his closet, brought out a lot of plushies, and arranged them on the bed, around me, in such a way that I was basically in a cuddle pile, with only my face exposed. Just for reference, I am a very cuddly person. I looked over at him when he finished, and he was looking at me. I said "I love you so much." That was a very profound and precious thing that he did for me.

He went back downstairs and dealt with the internet guy for the next 10-15 minutes while I just kept on staring at the ceiling. It had a single light in the middle, one of those nipple lights, you know the ones I mean. I started to faintly make out a blue orb shape thing, surrounded by a grey backdrop. I plan on painting that as well. After just the blue orb, I saw from left to right, blue, green and red, the green one was slightly lower than the other two. I continued to look at the ceiling-spirals. When he came back, John asked me what song we were on and I said "Forty-six & 2.' Absolutely positive." He started the music back up and he got into the bed and cuddled with me in the plushie pile. After a while, "Pushit" came on, and if you've heard that song, you know that part; the crescendo. That part is powerful sober. It's ethereal on LSD.

We sat up and I looked at one of the pictures I had taken. I had been taking a lot of pictures with my instax Mini9 analog camera. It was a picture of John and me. As I looked at myself in the picture, I said to myself "Who is that? ... Wait. Is that me? ... Wait. Me? I? I! Me!" At this point, I was back. Still tripping, but ego was back. Around T +6.

We finished Ænima, but didn't go to Salival or Lateralus. We cuddled. He went downstairs sometime during the night, it was still raining, and he went out to get the mail and put the trash can out. I followed him to feel of the rain in the darkness. (Turned my head to the sky, looked up and spread my arms wide, feeling the rain.) He didn't know that I had left the house with him, and he came over to me and said with a laugh, "get your butt back inside." and we both went inside chuckling. By this time, the experience was wearing off a little, I think it was T +10 hours. We went back upstairs and he brought out two dolphin plushies that he had; one big one and one little one. He gave me a choice of which one I wanted to take back home with me. I chose the smaller one and he said he would have recommended that one. It's still on my bed, next to me as I write this. We cuddled our dolphins. I still felt the effects well into 13 hours. At that time, we were going to sleep. I still felt it.

When I woke up, John and I cuddled.

The experience was beautiful, not at any point did I dislike it, hate it, or want it to be over. I loved it.

Knowing that no trip is ever the same as the last, would I ever want to do it again?

Absolutely.

Exp Year: 2020	ExpID: 115019
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 23
Published: Dec 26, 2020	Views: 715
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