DOSE:

11.2 g

oral

Mushrooms - P. cubensis

(tea)

BODY WEIGHT:

69 kg

Through Heaven and Hell
My True Hallucinations and Ego Death
Humble Primate

"... complete transcendence − beyond words, beyond spacetime,
beyond self. There are no visions, no sense of self, no thoughts.
There are only pure awareness and ecstatic freedom"
~ Leary, Metzner and Alpert. 1964 ~

After a few years of research and some low to medium psilocybe cubensis dosage trials I have finally decided to go for the high tryptamine dose breakthrough. My goal was to use the DMT realm as a means to get to my recently deceased loved one, in a similar fashion it can be done through OBE.

I was quite well aware of the risks involved, thus I have been wrestling with this idea for such a long time. My wife's departure was the final spur. Mixture of grief, sorrow and desperation has pushed me over the edge… of reality itself, as it turned out later.

Around 9am, I swallowed 11.2 grams of grinded psylocybe cubensis B+ in a hot tea form with half of the lemon squeezed in. I've never before taken it this way, it literally swept me off my feet. It didn't even take 10 minutes before I started to feel really tired and in another 10 minutes I was already lying down in my bed with very strong visuals. I was amazed, how vivid, colorful, solid and truly alive they were. With a deep relaxing sigh I thought: "finally... I did it". In comparison, visuals in my other trips were always disappointing, pale and unimpressive, I even used to think: "hallucinations my ass, just a lot of hooey again", after all I had eaten a decent dose of 6.4 grams and nothing really happened. Now It's clear to me that the snag was in my delivery system. I always used to chew them raw and this was way too slow to achieve the breaking point. What was really needed was that one quick megadose hit needed to kick my own mind into oblivion.

Part 1: Heaven

My room and everything around me looked so beautiful, like it was made out of pure light. I thought of it as a spectral vision, everything was radiating with rainbows, colors were so vivid I thought I could touch them with my hands. I could even clearly discern separate wavelengths. I was closing and opening my eyes and I couldn't believe how real these hallucinations are. With my eyelids half opened I saw the DMT realm in the top parts of my eyes and in the bottom was my room radiant with color and light. Room also started to look different, it still was my room but it was larger, then smaller, brighter, then darker, colors were changing slightly too. I was intermittently forgetting and recalling where and who I was. Pure joy, happiness and ecstasy snuggled me, this was such an amazing feeling.

My trip sitter showed up through half open doors to check up on me, and said: "chill out and enjoy your trip". At this point I decided to close my eyes and release all of my control or what was left of it and go with the flow, as if I had any choice... I thought: "what the hell, I'm already doing it, let's get all in at full speed with no seatbelts on" and I did...

The moment I closed my eyes I was gone, and the real trip had started. I found myself in this fully geometrical place I saw with my half open eyes. It was solid and it wasn't changing, it existed as a place where you could come and go. It was a very complex purple box type environment with smaller yellow squares in the centres of everything everywhere, and there were many, many facets to it. It was alive and I felt it's life force, I was alive and we both were somehow connected. It was slowly moving like leaves in the wind. I can't explain it how but I could sense it was alien, definitely not human, and it was eternal. I felt overjoyed with happiness and ecstasy, and I spent a long time there.

It seemed to me a very long time had passed. I saw myself going to the bathroom and I don't even remember getting up, I think this was just in my mind, but I wasn't sure. Sunshine was coming through the window and everything was made out of glorious radiant light. With my spectral vision I could see light beams coming out of everything. I focused on a particular rainbow and I started to get closer and closer to it until I squeezed in between its separate colors or wavelengths. I found myself in some kind of space I can't recall exactly how it looked but similar to the geometrical 3D environment from the beginning of my trip. I realised at this point that the DMT realm is not a journey through Hyperspace but rather a Subspace. I felt deeply that all of these DMT places are the foundations of reality as we know it, sort of a backstage of everything.

Next thing I remember I was lying in my bed again, at least at first I thought I was or maybe more accurately I felt I was. I didn't even see the bed or the room for that matter. It was an infinite black space where I could see my legs or their geometrical representation. I felt and saw they detach from my body, then another part of my body fell off too, I was made of this triangle like pieces. In each moment a piece of me went away and I felt such an overwhelming joy and ecstasy like I never did before. "It is indescribable, this must be experienced by everyone" I thought. I wanted to tell everyone about it. It was the beginning of disassembly of my whole self or as Timothy Leary aptly put, my ego was dying. A thought had crossed my mind: "I'm so far gone, I'm beyond galaxies, beyond other dimensions, beyond time, beyond all reality…". When I was pondering all that I had this sudden realisation: "how am I ever gonna get back?". I truly thought that this is it, I'm never coming back, and I loved it! In the end there was nothing left of me or anything else for that matter. I truly experienced what I now think was my primary consciousness, a ground zero of my alfa quant where the real I AM. I was beyond time and space, there was no thought, no self, no visions, only pure awareness. I can't even say I was one with everything, because I was everything and everything was me, God was with me and I was with God. I can't tell how long I was in this state but it was glorious and I felt ecstatic beyond words. I wanted to be forever.

Part 2: Hell

Suddenly, I woke up as I had to cough up saliva that collected in my throat. I couldn't remember who, where and when I was. It all seemed to me like a distant future, like I was lying in that bed for a very, very long time. Sort of like when you oversleep for work, but by millennia. I got really alarmed and called out to my trip sitter, somehow in that very moment I remembered about him. He showed up in an instant with a smile on his face, I was relieved and got up. In this brief moment I thought whatever has happened is over, I didn't know what happened I just thought it's all good now. Went to his room and talked to him for a moment. Then I walked around the house a little, here and there, but on the top floor only… Suddenly I woke up... again... this moment kept repeating in my mind for eternity. There was no time and this always happened and will happen forever. After a long while I started to get frustrated, I realized that everything is always the same. He was always playing the same game, smiling in the same way, saying the same thing. Eventually I started to get really anxious, I knew that I'm stuck but everything was real, solid, super vivid and realistic. I touched him and I touched things around, to me this was the reality and there was nothing else. Occasionally I thought I must have somehow been in this state for such a long time that everything just became what it was.

Then, after a while, I started to venture a little further to the upstairs bathroom and to other rooms. After a very long time I even went downstairs. It all seemed unreal, sometimes I didn't know who he (trip sitter) was, and sometimes when I recalled his name I thought to myself: "wow I didn't see you for ages" I was so happy to see him that I hugged him with pure love. Yet every time I quickly realised it's not real it's my groundhog day again and I'm stuck in this endless loop. I kept waking up in this bed, and going through this over and over again an infinite amount of times.

One time I woke up, and I saw this beautiful afternoon sunshine beaming through the windows like I saw it countless times before, but in that particular moment I felt happy, really happy again. Yet something was off, it was quiet, everything was very very quiet, there was no movement, no sound, no life anywhere. I got up and to my astonishment I quickly discovered that the house was dead, it all looked like it was fake. I was stunned and I looked around everywhere. It's like the earth suddenly stood still. Time wasn't eternal anymore, it slowly started to reemerge and in that moment it simply wasn't moving yet. To me it seemed to be overstretched like a rubber band and it was very very long. I went downstairs to the kitchen and looked outside at the backyard. It looked so peaceful and calm like a picture of a distant past long gone and forgotten. There was no life to be found anywhere outside either, just my awareness stuck in some kind of simulacrum resembling someone I didn't even remember anymore. I was left all alone in this deeply terrifying reality and I wasn't even alive anymore. I convinced myself that I had died, millions of years ago and my singular point of consciousness was the sole survivor of all humanity, just to be abandoned all alone in this wretched house at the edge forever.

I went to the bathroom downstairs, everything looked old, very, very old. Post apocalypse doesn't even do it justice, it was many many times worse. Everything was really ugly and disgusting, even my own clothes looked horrible, threads were sticking out everywhere. And these colors... I had enough of those rainbows and light beams or what long ago I used to call a spectral vision. Everything was so colorful and vivid that it was making me sick to the bottom of my stomach. Particularly I remember the prevailing turquoise color, it was everywhere, I had enough of it, so much... and yet I could not escape it… Bathroom situation kept repeating and repeating… I started to realise that I am never getting out of this. I had some flashes of memories of another life that wasn't mine! To me at the time it felt like someone else's life and an unreal fantasy at that. You have to understand that all this was my "real life", it always was like this and I didn't know any better. I didn't know who I was and I had absolutely zero recollection of my physical life. With every passing loop I experienced, I was more and more convinced that this situation or this life of mine was always like this, and this will always be like that as nothing will ever change.

I started to feel an unbridled panic, desperation and a sense of an impending doom. This madness kept fueling itself more and more with each hellish loop I went through. This was going on for so long, so very long. To say millennia doesn't even do it justice, as for me the time was stretched beyond any imagination. Eventually it intensified to a point where I had these short flashes of sanity saying: "you have done it this time, you fucked up your mind, you are not getting out of it, ever…". This was the breaking point to me, I truly and viscerally got insane, I experienced and felt true and uncontrollable madness, it overwhelmed and paralysed me with no limits. That's it I was trapped in my own mind forever and there was nobody to help me. It was a soul crushing revelation. I had flashes of running around the house in desperation but I had no control over anything anymore, I lost myself. I spent a very very long time in this prison of my own doing. Then one time a singular clear thought of a suicide had formulated in my mind, but it lasted only a split second in comparison to my torment. I quickly realised that death has no meaning where I was, I can't die here, there is no escape! I was being driven to the edge of my own endurance. I lost myself along with everything else and my consciousness was shattered to pieces.

Until one time I found myself under the shower. My insanity must have loosened its grip slightly and I thought that cold water will help to sober up. I felt so cold so really, really, damn cold... I had to use warm water instead, but I couldn't leave the cabin because it was so damn cold. I didn't even have my towel, I must have forgotten about it. I was struggling with this loop for a very long time, until I just simply got out all wet, made a mess everywhere and ran upstairs to put on some clothes. But my suffering was far from over, I was back in the bathroom many, many more times. I remember one particular time where I stood yet again under the shower and looked through the plastic cabin where the wall and the door are, and I could see through the walls and all of it was weirdly distorted. In another instance I was standing by the sink looking at my hands and the faucet, both were not in their right sizes, hands and the faucet were too short, the faucet was too thick, everything around was out of proportion. One time I looked at the backyard and I saw my wife's cat. His tail was too short and he was fat, but I was so very happy to see him.

Slowly more and more of myself was coming back, but still I knew I couldn't get out and I was all alone. I even thought, if this trip was ever going to end, it would have already long ago. I was deeply convinced that many years must have passed since I did what put me in this hell and my real body was forgotten in a small room somewhere in the psychiatric institution. To be honest I couldn't even recall I did drink mushroom tea, it was just a distant faint memory I didn't even believe it happened. I started to have these short flashes of my real life but at this point it all still seemed to me like a dream. This hell I was in for such a long time was my reality, and it was eternal, I didn't know anything else. I couldn't remember my past life, my past self, not even mentioning anyone else… These flashes seemed to me like pictures from some stranger's photo album and not mine.

As the trip continued and my tryptamine levels were slowly subsiding, I started to remember more and more of myself and my former life. I went yet again, for a millionth time to see my trip sitter in his room, and yet again he was playing this same damn game... BUT something has changed , he did say something different, for the first time ever! I was stunned, truly… I kept touching him and asking if he was real. I felt a tiny, tiny hint of hope, very slowly, I was coming back. Then I remember walking back and forth in the corridor and talking to myself: "this is shit, never to be touched by anyone", I meant mushrooms. In this state, I can barely remember it but I asked him to help me get rid of it all, and so we did…

Epilogue

My trip lasted over 4 hours straight. Now, at the time of writing, 4 days later, my understanding is that all of it was the deep exploration of my own consciousness. It was the trip inside my own psyche.

First part of it was pure heaven, when my ego was being dismantled piece by piece to the core. I can't relay in words, how it is just to be as a single point of consciousness, there was nothing, no me, no time, no space, no body, just my pure awareness. I was all and all was me, God and I was one, I was one with everything. It was pure ecstasy. Spiritism describes the moment of death precisely like the Ego Death looks like. It is a pure joy for the spirit as it finally goes back home. As living beings this is as far as we can go without dying, and to stand at the gates of the afterlife is the most profound experience one can achieve. Meditation gurus call this the Enlightenment.

Second and much longer part of my trip was rebuilding my ego back from scratch. Putting it together from pieces is mentally a horrific and physically exhausting experience and I can only describe it as a pure never ending hell, a kind of pandemonium. Spiritism describes the soul's incarnation in a similar manner. It also has to go through this grueling and horrific experience and must endure much pain to become alive.

Exp Year: 2021	ExpID: 115990
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 42
Published: Jan 5, 2022	Views: 1,420
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Mushrooms - P. cubensis (66) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), Guides / Sitters (39), Difficult Experiences (5), General (1)