DOSE:

4.5 g

oral

Mushrooms

BODY WEIGHT:

190 lb

It's been almost 3 months since this trip (as I finish writing this). I wrote a bunch a few days after, but it took quite some time for me to understand what I experienced. I did not record any time stamps, only that consumption was at about 5:00 pm, and my comedown was at around 10 or 11 pm.

This was the day after my last ever final in college. Because I was done with school I was feeling pretty good. I was especially excited to trip. In my mind, I thought I had a naturally high tolerance to mushrooms (the trip I had before this made me believe that).

I started off the day at the beach with some friends and had a great time. Got home and showered. Ate some fruits and veggies at the beach, didn’t eat any more. This trip was planned with my other friends D and O. I had taken a B complex supplement that day. Maybe a D3 pill as well, I don’t really remember. Those were taken early in the morning so I don't think they had any effect on my trip. I am prescribed finasteride for hair loss (I still have a full head of hair, I'm just not risking it) but I dose 1 mg Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. This trip was on a Tuesday, so I hadn't taken one that day. My setting was essentially my bedroom with my PC set up to game, TV for cartoons, a blanket ready, comfortable clothes to wear and some backup clothes in case I wanted to change, and some nice music from my phone. I had avoided cannabis that entire day because I was not wanting too strong of a trip. D ate the most out of us and O ate the least.

I mixed over 4.5 grams in a bowl with some applesauce. I mixed it in too early so I left the bowl in the fridge for 10-15 mins before we ate them.

After eating D, O, and I walked to a park nearby. As we entered the park I noticed an odd feeling in my head. This was only about 15 or 20 minutes in, so I thought it started to come on pretty quickly for the way I ate them. We sat down at a bench and I started to notice some very slight visuals. Head was tingly, legs were a little sedated.

We walked back to the house, making jokes and laughing at random shit. Some old lady said hi to us in a funny way, and we kept saying it the way she did.

We planned to play Fortnite. When I got to my room I noticed I needed to update it, so I did. As I waited for it to update I watched some Adventure Time, my all-time favorite show. I started to feel super anxious, like I was regretting eating as much as I did. I was getting pretty scared. I wasn't sure what to do about this. I was shuffling around in my bed until I noticed the game was almost done updating.

When it finished updating I told my friends to get on. Visuals were getting a little strong, and the body load was definitely heavy. It was manageable, but it was still very heavy. I noted that my chest and shoulders felt probably fifty pounds heavier. This wasn't too much of an issue at first. I didn't let it get to me.

We played some matches and I felt like I was playing pretty well, even though I know I wasn’t. They added light sabers and blasters for some star wars collab or something. It was pretty fucking fun. In fact, things just got insanely funny. When we killed people it was hilarious because we fucked dudes up while insanely high. I remember telling my friends "I can't believe I was scared before this." I was having a blast at this time.

After a good few matches (all of which we lost, lol) D went to shower. O and I were gonna join a GTA lobby together. I asked O to start playing music in the discord and he was like "Why don't you?" Duh. Forgot I could do that. So I played some music on my phone. There was no way I could figure out how to get it on the discord chat, and I kind of just wanted my own music anyway. I left it on this one playlist I have which played through the whole peak. It's not great for tripping, but I was comfortable with all the songs and it was the playlist on the top of my list so I just chose it.

I remember riding around in an ATV on GTA. I couldn’t steer well at all. At this point my upper body began to feel very heavy. Even my hands and fingers were forced down, as if somebody were holding them down and I had to use all my strength to pick them up. This resulted in terrible driving in the game where I kept oscillating between the 'a' and 'd' keys on my keyboard. I ran over a rather large woman in the game and said “sorry” out loud, as if my excuse was that I’m high and it wasn’t my fault I ran her over. It was pretty funny. Usually I'm empathetic to characters on shrooms, but this time it was just comedic. After a little bit things got even more intense. It was getting really hard to see my screen. Anxiety started to ride in me as O was not talking in the chat. I was alone with my thoughts and realized I needed to lay down. I turned off the game and laid in bed. The sun was setting so it was getting a little darker in my room. Music is still playing from my phone.

At this point I knew I took too much. This was way stronger than my last trip where I took about 6.5 grams and even ate an edible with it.

I was in bed asking myself why I take drugs. I wasn’t having a good time at this point and was trying to sleep it off despite knowing I wouldn’t be able to fall asleep. I laid in recovery position because the nausea was getting intense. I thought I was going to throw up all over my bed, and if I wasn't careful, I might die. Of course, I knew that wouldn't happen, but when you're on that high of a dose you're never fully sure about anything. The visuals were too much, especially with closed eyes. I couldn’t keep my eyes opened, but closed eyes were worse. The OEVs made my room appear very cartoonish and almost seemed like it hurt my eyes in a way. I knew I just had to ride it out and wait for things to be over. I was telling myself “this trip will end, and I wont be high anymore.” Time was going so slow. It was incredibly tough.

I remember feeling like my ego was hanging by a thread. A voice in my head was asking who I even was. It was my voice. I had never experienced hearing my own voice in my head say something that I hadn't thought of. It just appeared as a thought. I quickly reminded myself of my name and to not let my ego die. I knew at that moment I wasn’t ready for it. I was forgetting everything; my friends, their faces, what I did that day, what I study, why I study, if this field is something I want to stick with, if my lined-up job in a couple of months is something I really want, etc.

This went on for probably an hour, maybe an hour and a half. It felt like ages before finally, I lost total touch with reality and lost all sense of self. I stopped asking myself who I was, because I didn’t even know what words even meant. I remember feeling like I had experienced living an infinite number of lives. I lived through everybody. Each instant equated to an entire life, and as one life died the next began. I would immediately forget about the existence and experiences of each life as they had died, until finally, I had become a consciousness floating through the infinite cosmos on an endless journey of discovery. This probably lasted for a second, and then I saw it. I saw a picture of reality. It was probably the most bizarre image I’ve ever encountered. The visual had depth and texture to it and it was so odd and strange that I can’t even fully remember it, much less describe it. Seeing this brought words to my mind. "That's where I'm at now." As if the everchanging visual patterns with closed eyes revealed a particular dimension or some mode of existence. I mentioned that the image was bizarre. It was so strange that it was actually able to remind me of who I was. I shot up from my bed very quickly. "Oh, I'm a person. Oh, I'm in my room. Oh, I'm tripping off of mushrooms, and so are my friends."

Once I stood up, the visuals calmed down a lot, and my body wasn’t heavy anymore. I got up, turned my music off (it was influencing my CEVs). I turned my lamp on and checked my phone for messages with my friends who were also tripping.

After that intense experience, it felt like all the pain and suffering that was required to get to that split second, a moment of total bliss, not feeling like a person that was alive but instead a consciousness floating through realities, was 100% worth it. I was instantly met with catharsis and rejuvenation, thankful to have experienced that temporary loss of my ego. It was truly bizarre, yet very beautiful.

I went to O's room. D wasn't having a great time so he stayed in his room. O and I finished the trip by watching Adventure Time and Regular Show. It was really an amazing afterglow. I never thought I would experience a temporary loss of my ego this soon in my tripping life, but I’m glad I got to experience it.

It took me several weeks to understand what exactly I had experienced. I browsed reddit to see if people had similar experiences and how they interpreted it. To preface, I am Catholic but I don't believe in the Bible, as it was written by man and has several beliefs built into it that I really don't believe to be true of God (i. e. hating gay people, no tattoos, no sex before marriage, etc.). I knew many people wrestled with the idea that we are one, that we are God, and I considered what it may feel like if I died and immediately woke up as God, who had experienced living through every single life. I started to put the pieces together. Is that what I experienced? Had I, in that moment, died and woke up as God? I don't know. I tried to combine that with religion, and I'm much closer to believing that the Christian/Catholic religion is about being one with God. I thought about how Christians eat the body and drink the blood of Christ. This must be a metaphor. In Church, it's just a cracker and wine, but it symbolizes being part of Jesus, or rather, Jesus being a part of us. I then thought about prayers. When I say the Hail Mary, I call her "Mother of God." When saying this, we are saying Jesus is God. Therefore, every Sunday, Christians are taking part in being one with God. When I say the Our Father prayer, it feels much more like Heaven is a state of being as opposed to a place.

After realizing this, I hadn't become any more or less religious. I have, however, come to find myself to have more empathy for others. I've noticed that I have less hatred towards those I disagree with. To me, I now see everybody as a version of myself on a completely different path. The goal of dissolving the one to become all is to experience life to its fullest extent. That we are meant to try things even if they're objectively bad. While I still believe murder is terrible, it is still experiences, both to murder and to be murdered, that we as God asked to live through. Feelings of happiness, sadness, anxiety, anger, love, hate, etc. are all meant to be experienced. To integrate this idea, in my mind, means to forgive myself for everything that I regret having done. I was meant to experience life the way I do, and I was meant to give others the experience I have given them. I think the mushrooms knew exactly what I needed to see in that moment, and I couldn't be happier to have gotten this experience.

While the trip was incredibly difficult, I still find mushrooms to be one of the most beautiful creations the planet has given us. To experience being one with all is probably one of the best feelings one is capable of having.

Exp Year: 2022	ExpID: 116555
Gender: Not Specified
Age at time of experience: 21
Published: Aug 6, 2022	Views: 652
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