DOSE: T+ 0:00	1.6 g	oral	Mushrooms
T+ 0:00	500 mg	oral	Nicotinamide
T+ 2:00	1 g	oral	Mushrooms

BODY WEIGHT:

177 lb

Psilocybin for Attachment & Friendships

Description of mindset & setting >>>

I took 1.6 grams of mushrooms at home at 9:40 a.m. followed by another gram about 2 hours in. I stacked the initial dose with 1.5 teaspoons of lion’s mane powder and 1 teaspoon of cordyceps powder. I also took 500 mg of slow-release niacin.

I take functional mushrooms almost every day as part of recovery from a concussion, as well as moderate doses of EPA+DHA omega-3s. I also recently started taking niacin when I take any kind of mushroom powder.

My only other experience with psychedelics was a journey about a month ago. I took 4 grams of mushrooms followed by a 1 gram bumper dose after 90 minutes. That time, the setting was a psychedelic guide’s home during a short residential retreat. I was a little nervous about going on a journey by myself in my home, so I opted for a smaller dose this time even though I reacted well to the 4 grams.

Details of any preparations made for the experience >>>

I arranged my weekend so that there was little chance of anyone needing my attention for 5-6 hours after the initial dose. I spent 30-40 minutes tidying my house and getting some things set up.

I started by grinding up most of the initial 1.5 grams in a coffee grinder but got tired of grinding and topped off the dose with a whole mushroom. I mixed the resulting powder, functional mushroom powders and the one dried mushroom broken up by hand into boiling water in a shallow bowl. I got a few more things ready while letting the mixture steep, including pre-weighing the one gram bumper dose of mushrooms for later. After a few minutes, I drank the mixture and ate all the pieces of the mushroom.

My intention for the trip was to improve the quality and quantity of my interpersonal connections. I hoped that this journey would be a turning point towards higher-quality friendships. I resolved that my intention during the journey would be to answer, “(1) Who do I want to connect with, (2) what do I want to offer in those relationships, and (3) what is in the way of that goal?”

Physical and Mental Effects >>>>

I laid down in my bed with my eyes closed. I spent 30 minutes taking deep breaths and doing simple stretching, then sat up and started to journal. Within minutes, I drew a picture that answered “(3) What is in the way?” aspect of my intention. Now, I read the question as “What is in The Way?” I drew a sketch of a wide road leading into a shining, paradise horizon with glowing figures of people along the road. I realized that people are The Only Way to relate better to people! A part of me hoped I could skip right to ideal relationships without trial and error. It helped me see that I incorrectly pictured the end of any relationship as a failure. I saw these shining figures on the path and felt grateful for them, even though I knew that some of us might be in each other’s lives only for a season, then decide that we don’t belong in each other’s lives long-term.

Right after making that sketch, the psilocybin kicked in in earnest. I felt warmth, electricity, pressure and energetic movement throughout my body. After a few minutes, I experienced a big catharsis that lasted for 20 or more minutes with nearly constant tears, cycling through several different kinds of crying.

There were relatively minor visual effects with my eyes open, but with my eyes closed, I saw a quickly-shifting mixture of different images, including majestic, deified animal faces watching me from the top of a grand mental cathedral, different grand rooms and spaces with neon strobing, and the sensation of many eyes and mythical creatures watching me.

Even though the images and my thoughts were changing rapidly, I felt like I was having many minor but valuable “Aha!” moments that I downloaded too quickly to remember.

Throughout the unpredictability, I checked in with my three questions about connection.

One of those check-ins prompted an incredible, elemental force like a black, titanic cyclone whose whole energy demanded of the universe “GIVE ME!” I felt invited to lose myself in that force, and to demand things for myself as deeply as it does. I recognized that I could use more of that assertive energy in my life, but I decided to resist the urge to lose myself in the tornado. Later in the journey, I realized that that cyclone reminded me of my parents or the religion that dominated their world view, and that that cyclone energy was probably the reason that I have an ambivalent relationship to assertiveness. I learned early on to “stay close to the ground,” because if I stood up too high, I’d get sucked up into the storm.

After that catharsis and an hour or more of crucible-intensity closed-eyes sensations and imagery, I opened my eyes and sat up. I spent some time journaling about several different topics, which felt force-multiplied by the psilocybin. Writing a new insight would sometimes trigger an intense reaction, and I’d need to close my eyes and lie on my back for a moment.

After journaling, I checked the time, checked my phone to make sure that no one needed me for an emergency, then took my second 1 gram dose by breaking up the pre-weighed mushrooms by hand, steeping them in boiling water for long enough for the water to cool down.

I felt a renewed burst of effects after 30-40 minutes. This time, I felt an impulse to draw. I have some drawing talent but no training, and have never felt drawn (pun intended) to draw for pleasure. Under the influence of this booster dose, I ditched any shame about how my drawings looked, and felt into a well of bold creativity. Drawing lines felt sensuous for its own sake. I drew a few pieces that were hundreds of straight or slightly curved lines arranged into different lattices.

The mushrooms helped me perceive a visual and spatial depth to the lattices that I would have ignored otherwise. Even though I knew it was just ink and paper, I felt like each drawing was an act of creation in some non-ordinary space — I was creating actual volume and depth and dimension, not just the visual impression of it. Other drawings were figure drawings of faces and bodies. Genitalia was a repeat theme — perhaps on a related note, I felt something say early on in the journey, “You’re addicted to orgasm.” My drawings weren’t classically good, but I was surprised at how easily these authentic, expressive scenes felt onto the paper and told a story. It showed me that shame and self-consciousness can shut down the heart and craft of art.

After drawing, I switched back and forth between journaling and processing new waves of images and insights. Eventually, I had what felt like good answers to my other two intention questions.

The answer to “(1) What do you want from relationships or with whom?” was that I want the kind of psychological safety that lets people talk about what scares them. In a healthy relationship, my friends and I will be genuinely curious about who the other is. We’ll have the chance to learn in a relaxed way whether we’re welcome with each other just as we are, and for good reasons. Also, I want to be in relationships with people whom I would hypothetically be grateful they existed in the world even if they didn’t have anything to offer me.

The answer to “(2) What do you want to give in a friendship?” was that I want to let my friends to intuitively feel that there's not a problem with who they are when they're with me. Anti-shame. An endless curiosity that says, “Who are you? What’s your deal?” in a positive, open way. I’ll also express to them that I would be glad they exist even if they hypothetically didn’t have anything to offer me. If I find that I can’t offer these things sincerely, I’ll assume that the friendship may not be a good fit and consider parting ways.

Unknowns >>>>

I was raised in a high-demand religion in a family with a very mystical mindset. I rejected that worldview in my 20s and jettisoned mysticism as part of my emancipation. Unfortunately, I actually liked the mystical stuff. Recently (and more so after some synchronicity surrounding my two psilocybin journeys), I’m eager to stress-test whether mystical stuff or "non-ordinary consciousness" is real and consistently accessible by different people with different imaginations and worldviews. At one point during my journey, I felt pulled to read part of Michael Harner’s "The Way of the Shaman" that described the lives of shamanic practitioners in different cultures across the world. Even though I’m still convinced secular humanism is the best approach for solving humanity’s joint problems, I wonder if the mushrooms or other psychedelics could help me play the role described in the book in a humane, grounded way.

Lastly, both times that I’ve taken mushrooms, the majority of the journey has been emotionally and physically taxing. It feels natural to lie down with my eyes closed to receive the experience with as much tenderness and self-care as possible. I also moan, sigh, drone and sing a lot. That sometimes feels very passive compared to the active journeys I’ve read about from others. Is that a problem? I tend to get lenient and passive when stressed — is my conservative, restful approach to journeys a reflection of that, and is it costing me anything in terms of development or insight?

Exp Year: 2022	ExpID: 116560
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 36
Published: Aug 15, 2022	Views: 1,554
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Vitamins - Niacin (230), Mushrooms (39) : Combinations (3), Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), General (1), Alone (16)