DOSE:	5 g	oral	Mushrooms	(edible / food)
		smoked	Cannabis
		smoked	Tobacco - Cigarettes

BODY WEIGHT:

250 lb

I would say I'm pretty well-versed when it comes to trippy stuff. I have eaten 100s of tabs of acid, probably pounds of mushrooms, and love to hit NO2 when I'm tripping. Out of all the experiences I've had tho, this is the one that left me shook, and gave me a new respect for the mushrooms

This will all make a little more sense if I supply a little back story. Its the lock down of 2020 in Michigan, and I'm bored. My usual DOC is L, but there doesn't really seem to be a supply of it at the time. However, my buddies mom (the local weed and pill dealer) has just came into a VERY large amount of magic mushrooms, so I obviously oblige hoping to break up the boredom of being stuck at home. Playing video games online with my friends and fucking with the cat isn't really cutting it anymore.

I buy a few ounces from her, and for the most part its a pretty good time. I usually will take between 2-3.5 grams at a time, blended up in orange juice to slam down to make eating them easier.

Finally, work calls me back, I get to actually DO SOMETHING! So I start working short days again as me and my boss try to re learn how we are gonna have everyone 'work' again with a new virus breathing down our necks (I am the manager at a steel fabrication shop).

This doesn't stop me from using mushrooms a few times a week after work tho. My stash is still huge, and they are fun lolol.

A little further back story tho, me and my girlfriend had been dating for a little over 6 months at this point, we live together and are totally vibing at this point. I have some health issues I was born with, and at this point in time had been neglecting them for over a year. I felt like I needed to tell her since we were getting serious, and for my own health. But I just kept putting it off and putting it off, but still thinking about it every time I drove home from work.

Well, let me just say, on this particular day, the mushrooms had enough of me putting it off.

Its a particularly overcast and rainy day as I get home from work, and my girlfriend was home. I walked in the door and she told me some of her friends wanted to buy some shrooms. I was good with it, could use the extra money. She gave them a call back as I weighed out their portions.

When they get there, we sit on the couch and all start bullshitting for a bit, and her friend L suggest we smoke some high quality weed she brought. The bowl gets passed around a few times between the 3 of us (my girlfriend doesn't smoke) and after my 5th hit I am pleasantly stoned, feeling a big smile work its way across my face. I bust out the bags of shrooms I have weighed out for them and get paid.

My girls friend H wants to dose before she leaves, so I pull out my blender and OJ, happy to help. H just wants to take 1 gram, L wants me to grind up 1.5 for her. I make them their 'smoothies' then proceed to weigh some out for myself.

Now mind you, I have been taking shrooms several times a week for the past month or so , so I have a tolerance. It was nothing for me to take 3.5-4 grams of this batch, but today I really wanted to trip.

'How much are you taking?' Asks L as she chokes down her smoothie.

'.....5!' I say as I scoop my fungus off the scale and cram them into my tiny nutribullet.

They look at me wide eyed, but to me this seems okay considering I have a tolerance. I choke down my smoothie as fast as I can, wipe off my upper lip, and L packs another bowl. We sit around watching the office, smoking for another maybe 20 mins until L and H decide to leave before they start tripping so they can make it home safely in the rain. Me and my girl say our goodbyes and plop back down on the couch, what else are we gonna do?

I'm pretty high from the weed at this point. Its been 30 mins since I've dosed the shrooms and this small feeling of dread seems to be in the pit of my stomach, tho I just write it off as the come up.

Another 30 mins pass, and the feeling of dread and anxiety is starting to really get to me, but I just keep telling myself its come up anxiety, once the shrooms take over I'll feel better

Then something on the TV triggers this overwhelming feeling of doubt and dread. Its that episode of The Office where Jim is driving to see Pam while she is in art school, but he turns around and says something along the lines of 'We are not that couple'

At this point, my mind is racing as colors pop in definition. Its like this feeling really jump starts the trip. I'm laying on the couch next to my girlfriend and start to become restless, sitting up to try to get comfy and ease this anxiety.

'Should I tell her about my health? I have to, but this isn't the time' is what I'm thinking to myself. 'Lets just make it thru this trip and then I will'.

My girlfriend can tell I'm feeling weird at this point. She doesn't say it, but I know her well enough to know.

Things are starting to swirl really intensely now, and it seems to be getting even darker outside. The whole world around me has taken on this really ugly, dark hue. My mind continues to race, with strange swirling thoughts of reality and the concept of thought. All the while, this feeling of guilt overwhelms me about how I have been keeping the truth from my girlfriend.

I get up and start pacing, I can't seem to sit still even tho the body load is coming on strong. Usually I'm pretty sedated and couch locked on shrooms, but this anxiety is overwhelming. I just want to keep it together for the trip, but I can't keep a thought in my head for more then a few seconds. I tell my girlfriend I'm going outside to smoke a cig and she comes with me.

Out in the garage, the roll up door to the front yard is open. The rain has reduced to a drizzle, and birds are playing in the puddles. As they fly here and there, they are followed by incredible tracers. The mud in the front yard looks particularly ugly, and the dark hue of the world only seems to intensify. I try to smoke my cig, not saying a word, constantly pacing around the garage.
I try to focus on the birds in a small attempt to distract myself from this overwhelming feeling of dread and guilt. Intense and profound thoughts keep bouncing thru my head.

'Do you think the bird even knows its a bird?' I ask my girlfriend 'how does a bird even think?'
My eyes are starting to well with tears with the sense of guilt
'How do we even think.... How.... We.....' I trail off

I'm starting to lose a grip of reality at this point as the outline of intense patterns in the background of my vision take over.
Colors are incredibly vibrant at this point, everything I look at is swirling and distorted, and the world is an incredibly ugly place to be. Usually I view the world with a sense of wonder and beauty when on shrooms, but this feeling of dread is molding this trip into one of pure disgust.

I stumble back inside, incredibly disoriented. There are a few dishes in the sink, and a few things on the counter, nothing major at all, but in my head this is a place of filth that I created with my dishonesty. Anything slightly out of place seems to silently scream at me, and the word FILTH keeps playing in my head over and over again. I sit down on the couch and the sun has about set at this point with thr clouds finally giving way. Usually I would marvel in the colors of the sky on a mushrooms trip at this point, but right now it seems like hell fire and brimstone outside. The world knows what I've done. I've let my girlfriend down, and myself down not properly taking care of myself.

I cant take this cruel place anymore and burst into tears. The walls seem to shake at this point and the fire in the sky outside comes to a head, swirling around, seemingly coming for window in the living room. My girlfriend tries to comfort me, not realizing why I feel the way I do. I finally try to blurt out what I did, how I didn't give her the whole truth, and how in that moment I feel like the biggest piece of shit on earth. The only problem is, I'm completely losing the sense of myself and ego in the same moment.

Nothing makes sense. These thoughts of what I need to say to my girlfriend swirl around in my head, but when you don't even have a sense of self, how can YOU even say how YOU feel and express what YOU have done. The lights seems to flicker in the living room, growing brighter then dim, brighter then dim. Walls are melting and shadows seem to swirl into angry faces. Another front of clouds seem to have rolled in at this point, rain can be heard outside and lighting flashes into the house. The thunder sounds like its right in our front yard, and the cat bolts across the room in an indescribable show of tracers and shimmers colors across a floor that just can't seem to catch its breath.

This is hell on earth, or more so, I'm just in hell. My mind races with thoughts of dread. Suicide seems to be the only form of escape at this point. I know I've told my girlfriend why I feel like this at this point, but I don't remember saying the words. At this point she says I'm full on speaking nonsense, and I remember my thoughts becoming incredibly abstract and scrambled at this point. Word salad spews from my mouth as the couch seems to wiggle and breath, at one point looking as tho it will envelope me and her.

Everything is everything and because I am everything, everything is shit. This planet is shit, and I'm the cause. I howl in sadness, tears have soaked the top of my shirt at this point, and sweat seems to pour from my body even tho its not an obscene temperature inside or outside the house. I beg for my girlfriends forgiveness, completely bent over in on myself sitting criss cross applesauce on the couch.

And just as soon as it came, it was gone.

After what seems like an eternity in a hellish landscape, I can finally have a coherent string of normal thoughts. Colors seemed to return to normal, everything stopped swirling, the storm outside seemed to calm. It was the most abrupt end to a trip I've ever experienced in my entire life. The feeling of intense sadness was still their, and I felt completely drained physically, mentally and emotionally.

Me and my girlfriend sat and talked about my health. In my mind, I was a complete piece of shit for what I had done, but she was just happy I told her. I thought she was going to leave me, that I had ruined everything we had built together for the time we had been together, but she was completely understanding and this made me feel a little better.

In the days to come I would call my old doctors, set up appointments, and get my prescriptions refilled again.

Even though this is what I would consider the worst trip I've ever experienced, all in all it was the best and most helpful I'd ever had. It gave me new found respect for psychedelics, mushrooms specifically. It made me realize that I don't have to live in that ugly place and that even when you might feel like the hole you've dug is to deep to get out, you can always find a way with the help of your loved ones.

And most importantly, it made me realize love conquers all. Me and her are still together, and I still use psychedelics, but with much more respect, the respect they deserve. Because if you dont show them that respect, they will put you in your place.

Exp Year: 2022	ExpID: 116572
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 26
Published: Dec 3, 2022	Views: 301
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Cannabis (1), Mushrooms (39) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), Difficult Experiences (5)