DOSE: T+ 0:00		buccal	Salvia divinorum	(ground / crushed)
T+ 4:00	5 mg	oral	Melatonin

BODY WEIGHT:

140 lb

I have been growing Salvia divinorum for 3 years. I have a strong respect for these botanical angels. Leaves were harvested at various stages of maturity, dried, pulverised via blender, and kept in an air-tight jar for 2 years at room temperature (salvinorin A is stable under ordinary storage conditions). I wear a knitted shawl, usually worn in times of religious desperation, and hold a spoon carved out of Yew tree whose splintering fibrils are over a thousand years old. To initiate my ceremony, I dance and sing in an unknown language of Alien origin.

(I decided to perform this ritual to subdue a feeling of emptiness that took over me this week. Perhaps an encounter with God could temporarily fill the Void).

I chew 2 handfuls of dried leaves. It is alkaloidal desolation, bitter and sickening. My cheeks are full, rammed to the brim with an astringent herb, a strange penile-homoerotic energy fills my cheeks. The chewing becomes self-flaggelating, like a pious choir boy accepting sexual molestation as part of God's mighty work. The taste and fullness of my cheeks feels terrible, but I must continue for fear that I won't touch a divine Angel. I swallow some water to dilute the face-puckering bitterness. Within 5 minutes, a rhythm takes hold, cyclical, a musical manifestation of the Life-Death cycle, the clang of the xylophone nucleotides of the double helix piano. I sway back and forth, allowing the depth of this Ancient music to pour over me. I lay on my bed, and breathe deeply, a depth I have not breathed in years, expelling neurotic energy that has been pounding my rib cage for my whole Life. A white Light gathers near my pineal gland, encompassing me as my eyes fall backwards into the invisible nothing behind my eyes.

A few minutes later, I wake into a religious glowing; the World appears brighter, as though anointed by a divine presence. My internal monologue that is usually occupied by neurotic ramblings is hushed, as if an angel delicately balanced her outstretched finger over my philtrum. A gushing of pure relief streams over mind and body as though I've urinated after holding in a piss for 2 years. The effects have subsided, although I remain in a dissociated, blissful state. I chew another handful of powdered leaves, but after 4 minutes, the taste is unbearable and I spit them out into a coffee cup. Ecstatic hush trembles from the depth of my spinal chord into my cerebrum...my voice trills in angelic ecstasy. Perhaps the brain is the angelic organ, perfectly sculpted as an antenna for God's Word. I am taken hold by a longing for emotional intimacy.

I stare at myself in the mirror and am horrified: I am a God-machine, so terrified of the screaming abyss that all I can do is perform strange-Salvia-rituals...pathetic imbecile. I see a vision of screaming church-goers bowing to the Face of the Lord, trembling. A haunting choir sings from my internal orchestra, this is the Song of the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit is the feminine component of the Trinity, She kisses my neck so softly. God's might begins to terrify me. I bow my head in shame for being so naïve, thinking that I can escape from my sins...masterbation, lies (to both myself and others), rejection of the Trinity...wretched glutton.

I begin to write as the chorus intensifies, the refulgent white Light guides my writing: "...scared of my religious puniness, a pious young choir singing holy for God whilst he massacres me, my family, and my dogs. Yet, I remain holy, praying, for that is the way of the Lord, we are nought in the tremendous of His creation, blips in its roar, Surrender to his unforgiving might until you are roasted in his blinding glorious Light. Sing to his roar for it cannot be chained. His highest holy grace bakes me until I am holiest hard, cracked, weeping to dry myself, tears of God, tears, wept in his Goodness, wet in his Godness, Holy Trinity, maintain me in your spirit, spit on me until I cry so hard that no tears may ever be shed. I shed in your name, Amen." (All grammatical quirks intentional).

I now understand that I am worthy of Hell and eternal damnation for being such a beastly boy, wanton feaces. I then write a letter to God:

"Dear God,

I have sinned so violently, spat on your name everyday in my vile unseenly ways. Please strike me hardest with your Mighty hand. I Love you in your highest throne, for I shall never observe such heights. Only the gaping chasm of burning Hell. Do not forgive me Lord, for I am untruthful and mightily dead unto your creation. I shall not see your creation for I am most dead to you. My eyes have been muffled and obscured from your glorious ray. I have Lived in the Shadows w/ my back turned upon your name, Your Godliness, your Might, your Word. Smite me w/ White Light, yet I am not deservéd, for I am Despicable. Unradiant and Beastly. Send me under to live w/ the Worms, Dogs, wretched pigs and they salivate over me, drench me until I drown. I belong in putridness, vile and acrid squalor. Detestable, which not even the Eye of You should gaze upon. Bring disaster, calamity, rape and injustice upon me Lord. I have sinned. I have sinned. I have sinned. I have sinned. I have sinned. I have sinned. I have sinned. I have sinned."

I turn off my Light. In the quiet darkness I chant solemnly to God, begging for forgiveness. This continues for half an hour, listing my sins in a depressed quietude.

This experience was unusual as most psychedelic experiences I have are dominated by Scientific ideas, namely chemistry. Trying to revert to some form of normalcy, I think about the CNS. As though struck with a resplendent beam of Light, suddenly: The cortex, which is the interface between inside and outside, inverts, exposing the marrow of my mind to God's chorus, to his Judgement, to his mighty roar. Not again, I whisper...We are all separated from God through our cortex. God is the Outside. My mind explodes into the outside like the bulging of an orchid from its bud. I scream.

I am a twitching naked baby that has urinated himself when confronted with the Abyss. Not even my mummy can save me...Wahhh!

I bear with existential dread for another 10 minutes and thoughts about friends and future plans finally fill my internal monologue. I am relieved that I no longer have to be punished by God's genital. My mental states are in flux, and a horniness gently gropes me. From frantic apology to our Lord in Heaven, to furious masterbation over intense sexual fantasies in my imagination. This is the most rock hard I've ever been, perennial sage juices enriched in trans-neoclerodane diterpenes coarsing through my strangulating penile veins. The green juices still soak through me, gracing me again with the presence of the Lord, despite my vulgar masterbatory aside. Disgusting. But, do remember, I am not a child of God, for I fiercely turned my back on him. Now, I worship the Sage.

I should mention, in this experience which lasted 4 hours, I urinated 6 times . Even after urination, my bladder still felt full. Each piss was rapid flowing, and urea concentrations were visibly low. I tried to sleep, but KOR-mediated leg jerks of indescribable discomfort kept me awake. Leg jerks that resembled the formation of my physical form when I was an embryo. The feeling that the muscles and tendons were erect without contraction, an endogenous feeling that couldn't be removed by moving my legs. I took 5mg melatonin and fell asleep within 30 minutes.

This whole experience felt like a Georges Bataille novel crossed with Dante's Inferno. A feeling of a judgmental Father figure loomed over me throughout, coupled with haunting choirs, intense feelings of Christian religiosity, heavenly ecstasy, white Light resplendence and intense existential feelings of puniness in face of the Cosmos. I felt like a child who had been locked into a Garden that reeked simultaneously of incense, roses and rotting Death. I was a character in a Hieronymous Bosch painting.

My sleep was deep, and woke up the next day rejuvenated, refreshed and lucid. Bodily sensations were markedly pronounced: deep breathing was wonderful, urination was constant, and crippling proprioceptive pangs to my legs were deeply unsettling. DMT and other serotonergic psychedelics grant me a feeling of deep unity and oneness with the Universe, brotherly Love. Salvia divinorum made me feel deeply lonely in the face of the Horror of the Cosmos.

To summarise, I exposed my bare ass for God's genital, and was anally penetrated by God's genital so hard that my rectum ruptured and splattered. I have no intention of revisiting Salvia divinorum any time soon, I need to work out why I feel that I am a sinful glutton and have strange kinky feelings about being punished by a Godly Father...oh yes, my father left me when I was a child! That explains it.

Exp Year: 2022	ExpID: 116708
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 20
Published: Nov 1, 2022	Views: 468
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