DOSE:		vaporized	Toad Venom
		IV	Ketamine

BODY WEIGHT:

75 kg

In the early part of 2018, I got sick with Ulcerative Colitis, a disease in my colon. I experienced a lot of pain and spent the next two years dealing with bloody bowel movements while spending most of my time on the toilet. Unfortunately, none of the medications I tried helped, and the only option left was to have my colon and rectum completely removed. This was a major change in my life since I considered myself healthy before this. I didn't smoke, rarely drank alcohol, ate vegetables, and overall took care of myself.

But now, I was disabled, and after about a year, I started feeling very depressed. I had panic attacks and even attempted suicide twice, once by taking too much medicine and another time by pointing a gun at myself, although I couldn't bring myself to pull the trigger, thankfully.

When I shared these stories with my wife, she convinced me to see a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist I visited was different from others I had seen before. He was open-minded and talked about unconventional approaches to treatment, such as using psychedelics as medicine instead of traditional drugs. I was hesitant at first because I had seen my brother suffer from the effects of hard drugs, and I didn't want to go down that path. So, we initially tried regular antidepressants for about nine months, but they didn't work for me. They only caused more problems with my stomach and intestines. I was already using CBD oil for pain and mood, but it sometimes made me anxious in certain situations, so I stopped taking it too.

Around that time, my best friend told me about psychedelics and how he had positive experiences with Ayahuasca and Toad Venom (5-MeO-DMT). I looked into these options online and learned that Ayahuasca had a long-lasting effect, which I wasn't ready for. I discussed these medicines with my psychiatrist, and he said it was okay to try them as long as I dosed carefully. He assured me that I had already tried many other things without success, so it was worth a shot.

One day, my friend came over with Toad Venom, which he had obtained from the Colorado River. He prepared it in a pipe, played some relaxing music, and offered it to me. I was scared at first because I had seen videos of people having intense reactions to Toad Venom. But I thought to myself, if I didn't try, nothing else would save me. With trembling hands, I held the pipe to my mouth, exhaled completely, and as my friend lit the pipe, I slowly inhaled the milky white smoke as deeply as I could, holding it in for at least 10 seconds. I didn't even get to 10 seconds before I had to lie down. My friend supported me and asked me to focus on what I wanted to achieve. Although I was physically present, I started focusing on the trees on the balcony. The pine trees became incredibly detailed, and I could see every single needle moving from a distance. I observed birds, bees, and butterflies flying around as if I were riding with them in the air. I became one with nature. At some point, my body ceased to exist, and it felt like there was no "me" anymore. I heard a loud but calming hum in my ears and became completely disconnected from the world. I lost track of time, forgot who I was, and didn't sense anyone's presence except for nature and the animals around me. It was an incredibly impressive experience. As I reached a state of total relaxation, everything around me suddenly turned dark, and I felt a chill. I began floating in space, which frightened me. I thought to myself, "You survived this terrible disease, and now you've killed yourself with drugs." I worried about what my family would think of me and what would happen to the people I cared about.

Fortunately, the effects of Toad Venom didn't last long, and I soon regained my calmness and started to regain my vision. I felt an overwhelming sense of peace. I hugged my friend and expressed my love for him, saying that I had never felt as relaxed as I did in that moment.

After this experience, I had more sessions on my own, with my wife taking care of me to ensure my safety. It's recommended to have someone nearby when using this medicine because it hits you hard. In the weeks following these experiences, my depression improved significantly, although it still resurfaced occasionally, and my panic attacks became less frequent.

The following month, I had another appointment with my psychiatrist. I shared my experience with him, and he mentioned that he expected me to feel somewhat better after trying Toad Venom or Ayahuasca. I explained that I was still cautious about Ayahuasca because of its long-lasting effects. I also shared that Toad Venom was scary at times, as I saw and talked to people who were no longer alive. I experienced ego death and even had a frightening encounter when I smoked Toad Venom in front of a mirror and felt terrified by the person I saw. I thought to myself, "This guy is ugly, and who does he think he is? He's nothing." It took me days to overcome that negative self-perception.

My psychiatrist was pleased that I was no longer dependent on traditional medication, which I had dreaded for a long time due to the mental and physical complications it caused. Although I still experienced some depression and occasional panic attacks, my psychiatrist suggested trying something else that was being used in the United States and Europe but was not yet common in Mexico. He proposed Ketamine sessions. Initially, I had declined because I was afraid of non-traditional treatments. However, I thought to myself, "What the hell, I don't care anymore. I want to be happy regardless of my physical condition." So, I agreed to my first Ketamine session.

The day arrived for my first session. I told the doctor that I didn't want to know beforehand what I would experience, see, or feel. I wanted to let it unfold naturally. I went to the hospital and lay on a comfortable couch. The doctor calculated the amount of Ketamine I should receive based on my weight and prepared it in an intravenous solution. I sat there for about 20 minutes, half-sitting and half-lying down, but nothing happened. I thought to myself, "Well, this isn't going to work." And then suddenly, it hit me—a true K-Hole. Everything around me started spinning, and everything became square. Airplanes flying outside the window, people, and even my doctor's face turned into perfect squares. It was bizarre, but I felt safe since I was in a hospital with medical professionals. I fully embraced the experience. I became very talkative and had a conversation with my psychiatrist that lasted for an hour and a half. I poured out all my worries, fears, and feelings of guilt. It felt like someone was truly listening to me, and the doctor asked probing questions that helped me address my worst fears. All this happened while I felt like I was floating through space with my eyes closed, moving through tunnels at high speed, and becoming one with the universe. When I opened my eyes, everything still looked square, and the world seemed to move around me, like being on a fast train switching tracks thousands of times. It was like being on a crazy roller coaster ride.

The effects of the medicine gradually wore off, and it was time to return to reality. It was a strange sensation—I felt like a "wuppy". My feet felt connected to my head, and I urgently needed to urinate due to the fluids I received during the two-hour session. Standing in front of the toilet, trying not to make a mess in the doctor's restroom, was a challenge, but I managed it. I was done with the session, although I still felt like a "wuppy" until I slept later that night. But the next day, I felt reborn. I was my old self again, as if nothing had happened.

I continued to smoke Toad Venom occasionally and had four more Ketamine sessions until they were no longer necessary. This medicine and my psychiatrist saved my life, and it was truly a remarkable journey. I now have a completely different perspective on psychedelic drugs. They are not just for junkies but can actually help people if used correctly. I owe my gratitude to my best friend, my psychiatrist, and my wife for supporting me during those dark years.

With love and greetings

Exp Year: 2023	ExpID: 117382
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 36
Published: Sep 30, 2023	Views: 15
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Toad Venom (46), Ketamine (31) : Various (28), Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), Multi-Day Experience (13), Health Benefits (32), Retrospective / Summary (11)