DOSE:	5 hits	oral	LSD
	1 hit	smoked	Cannabis

BODY WEIGHT:

120 lb

Here is my first ego death experience and hopefully my last

Firstly, I must mention, I did not expect an ego death nor did I want one which is probably what made it so much worse. I also was not in a good mindset, I had class the next day and a job interview and I was just overall very stressed. A year ago I had taken what I was told to be 760 ug of LSD which I did not have an ego death on, so I believed I would not have one on 550, which was clearly very very very wrong.

So I started with my friend who I will call C who has had no psychedelic experience, but I thought I would be fine so I didn't really care. We went to watch Inside Out 2 at the theater and when she picked me up I took the 5 tabs in the car around 5 PM. Once we got there she hit her joint and asked me if I wanted a puff, so of course I hit it. Instantly I felt extremely high and already kind of regretted it but I told myself not to worry and that I would be okay. We then got out of the car and started walking into the theater and I was already starting to have intense visuals (this was probably 10-15 mins after I had dropped the tabs). We bought the tickets found our seats and as the movie started I already started to have aggressive visuals.

This is when I realized I was tripping way harder than I expected. I started to get really scared and I so curled up into the fetal position with my head tucked between my legs and imagined I was in my bed. But the visuals only got worse. As the movie progressed they became so bad the whole theater was spiraling to the point to where I could see nothing. I tried so hard not no panic and I wanted to leave so badly, but I ended up sticking it out until the movie ended. Throughout the movie I was aware of anxiety on screen and she freaked me out and would follow me for the rest of my trip.

The movie ended and relief washed over me. I had to cling onto C in order to be able to walk out of the theater and to the bathroom. We both went pee and I now had visions of a vagina. Extremely confused, I wasn't able to remember what it was and it was merging with an eye. I now realized I couldn't recognize human features. After we were both finished I once again clinged onto C to walk back to the car. I had to put all my concentration just to walk. We then drove to the beach where my fear started to dissapate, but I realized I started to lose touch of reality. I couldn't remember what normal life was like, what the sun was, what a day was. We got to the beach and hiked down to the shore. I waded in the water a little bit then we ended up sitting and watching the sun set. I believed me and C had become monkeys and our only purpose was to drift through time and space which was actually extremely pleasant. C started to get cold so we hiked back to the car. I wasn't able to get my shoes back on so I did the whole hike completely barefoot, but I was unable to feel pain at this point so it really did not bother me. C then said she was hungry so we she drove us to chipotle.

When we got to chipotle I continued to lose touch of reality even further. I was barely in my body anymore, I felt like I was wearing my body to disguise myself and blend in with the other people. I looked down at my legs and they didn't feel real. I still got food because I thought the spiraling of my stomach meant I was hungry and I was still able to order. I was barely able to pay as I couldn't understand the concept of money but muscle memory got me through that. We sat outside and I ate a single peice of lettuce and steak and instantly regretted. I forced myself to swallow it then I packaged it back up and put it back into the bag.

We walked back go the car and I found myself trying to imitate human life. I sat in the passenger seat staring at my legs like they were alien. I also kept touching and staring at my pants because they didn't feel like they were on my body. I then started trying to imagine the human body, and looking at C but it just felt so strange, it felt so unrecognizable. I felt like I was observing the human race through a vehicle trying to understand what humans where.

C then decided she wanted to hang out with a guy I will call N who I have never met before. We drove to his house and picked him up then went to a park. C and I got on a two person swing while N pushed us. I stared up at the stars and they were beautiful. Each star was twinkling with rainbow spirals coming off of them. As I felt the wind on my face and my hair flowing behind me I felt a sense of bliss and overwhelming happiness. C started to feel sick after a bit so we got off and I started to observe C and N interact. It felt like I was watching a movie and I started thinking about my own behavior as if I was not doing it myself. Every word I said sounded weird, every action I took confused me. I wondered why I did anything and felt like I was slowly losing touch of myself. We then decided to pick up my boyfriend who I will call S so we walked back to the car.

When we got to his house I was waiting for him and leaning out of the passenger window. I felt nothing but love, and I was waiting for him patiently like I a dog waiting for their owner to come home. When I saw him I looked up at him with nothing but love and happiness. I moved to the back seat with him and when we drove to another park I started to feel so extremely sick. My visuals were now getting so intense it felt like everything was spinning and I started to get extremely nauseous. I got out of the car and sat down on the curb as I felt my saliva coagulating inside my mouth and my tongue spiraling. I sat there looking at mine and my my boyfriend's shoes as he stood in front of me. I then started to feel so alone. I felt all the loneliness of everyone to ever exist and started to cry. While crying I saw the human eye which became a concept I could no longer grasp. Time was so distorted for me so I have no idea how long I cried for. Once I started crying, S sat next to me on the curb and rubbed my back and I started to lean on him. I felt his love through every rub and felt so safe next to him. I don't think anyone had any idea how hard I was tripping. I eventually told C I want to go home and I leaned outside the window feeling the wind beat against my face.

When I finally got home it was about 11 PM. I got out of the car and stared at my feet as I walked into my house. The ground was spiraling aggressively and I had to focus everything I had just to walk straight. I got into my room, took my contacts out, took my clothes off, put on a comfy, and sat in bed. I had to keep all my lights off because if they were on I would get extremely nauseous from all the spiraling visuals. This is when it got really bad and things become harder to remember.

As I lay in my bed I listened to music and got blasted in hyperpsace. It felt like I was falling down a black hole and then my body opened up and burst into spirals. I saw my own organs spiraling. I felt like I could not swallow anything including my own saliva because my throat was spiraling. I wanted everything to stop so badly. Opening and closing my eyes had no difference which scared me and confused me really badly. I felt nothing but pure terror. I wanted more than anything to just fall asleep and wake up sober but that was never going to happen. I realized I was having a bad trip so I searched up on YouTube "how to get through a bad trip" and watched the first video that came up. The man talking started coming out of the screen and I knew he was coming in order to sexually assault me. However I forced myself to watch the entire thing no matter how terrified I was and when it was finally over I started listening to a reposted live stream of a music jam. My visuals became billions of spiraling hands that were coming out of the darkness trying to grab and touch me. I felt my skin spiraling under every hair. It made me extremely uncomfortable and on edge.

After the livestream was over, YouTube started autoplaying For Joe by Ren (a song dedicated to his friend who ended his life) but I didn't even notice. This caused me to feel all of the sorrows that anyone has ever felt and I had to stop myself from screaming because I was crying so hard. I then realized what song was playing then stopped it and looked for a new one. I couldn't decide what to play though because all of the choices I could possibly make were running through my head which paralyzed me. I ended up not listening to any song but I started to have auditory hallucinations. I heard UFOs circling around my head and I knew they were coming for me and wanted to abduct me which freaked me out really badly and sent me into a spiral. I hid under my comfy then started to play a different song. With ever strum of a guitar I felt like I was tripping harder and harder. I felt myself basking in the sun and saw my ceiling spinning like it was a ceiling fan. It's kind of an indescribable feeling. I stared at my hands and room which was completely black and white while I had visuals that were rainbow. I believed I was in a different demention than what my body was in. I started thinking about my boyfriend and felt so much pure innocent love for him that I started crying tears of joy so intensely I almost had a panic attack.

As I was being blasted through hyperspace I watched myself die of starvation. Then I felt my spirit get sucked out of my mortal shell and shatter into a milltion peices. I was nothing but a pure white mass of goo inside a mortal casing. I then thought I heard someone knocking on my door and decided it must be my sister. I believed to not get caught that I must kill her. I had a vision of me stabbing her 3 times while she was sleeping with her blood shooting out and splattering all over me, then got extremely scared that I would actually do it. I started to get extremely paranoid and thought that if I made a single a sound my family would wake up and call the cops on me and my life would be ruined forever. I felt anxiety from the inside out movie crawling all over me going into my brain through my ear and jumping in and out of my vision. She was really freaking me out. I started texting my friends terrified and one of my friends who I will call J responded. She herself had taken psychedelics before and had multiple ego deaths. She told me I would be okay and it wouldn't last forever. I'm honestly very surprised I was able to read. I sent her a photo of my stuffed animal and she told me that he would protect me so I clutched him strongly to my chest. I found one shard of my personality patting my gooey self on the head telling me I would be okay. But I believed no one, I was scared this was gonna last forever and I would always be shattered and I would never be in my body ever again. I couldn't remember who I was. All I knew was that I was this pure white mass of goo.

I started staring at a stop watch and watched as milliseconds went by. Each millisecond looked like a whole second to me. Then the concept of time completely dissipated. Everything, the past present and future were exactly the same. I kept recalling the time I was sitting on the curb and refelt the loneliness. I told myself that I had entirely put myself in that situation so I was not allowed to be upset and started to get really inside my head and I kept just feeling worse and worse. As the sun rose, my visuals were getting less intense and I found myself sitting in bed texting my other friend M. He was sending me music recommendations like david bowie and led zeplin. These songs and the fact that I wasn't tripping as hard anymore made me feel better.

I started getting very paranoid as I had class at 9 am. I did not expect to trip this long and was getting extremely stressed that I wouldn't be able to go. I wanted to be done tripping so badly. I wanted to be sober so badly. I started aggressively checking the time and ended up skipping class because there was absolutely no way I could have gone. I still was a mass of goo and shattered into millions of peices. I was a new child born from the moon and sun. I became manic and believed I was God and felt the pain of everyone who had ever existed. The only way to stop this was to kill myself. But my brain was moving so fast I quickly forgot about that.

I wanted to imitate myself to convince myself I was sober so I sat at my desk watching minecraft videos. I kept trying to feel my body and remember who I was but it was useless, I felt like an empty shell. Finally at around 11 AM I felt like I was in my body again. My friend A picked me up at 1:30 and took me to the mall. As we were walking I felt my arms spiraling away. I felt every hair on my arm spiraling and it felt so overwhelming. I was so over stimulated I started to feel very anxious again. I still had to concentrate everything I had to walk straight. We eventually left and went to a nearby park to wait for my friend J to pick me up. While at the park I felt like I was me living in a spiraling wiggling dimension or I was not in my body but my body was in the normal demention. I kept getting waves of tripping harder and less hard but every time I tripped harder I felt like I was going to trip forever. The paranoia of never getting out of the trip lasted the whole time.

At 4:30 J arrived at the park and A left. J was the first person during my whole trip who I felt like I was actually with. Everyone else just felt like they were there but they weren't actually with me. J grounded me and she was the first person who had actually experience with psychedelics. She took me on a walk gave me water bought me juices and we talked. I finally felt better. This was the first time my whole trip I didnt feel anxious and paranoid. I eventually ate for the first time after J bought me fruit at around 9:30 PM and then she took me home. I climbed into bed then fell asleep and woke up the next morning. I had never been so happy in my life when I woke up and realized I was able to sleep and saw no visuals.

Needless to say, I do not think I will be doing acid again and I am so happy I was able to make it through this experience. This is probably one of the hardest things I have ever had to do my entire life. Thank you for reading my experience and take it as a warning: Ego deaths are terrifying and stay safe.

Exp Year: 2024	ExpID: 118230
Gender: Female
Age at time of experience: 18
Published: Jan 21, 2026	Views: Not Supported
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