DOSE:

repeated

smoked

Cannabis

(plant material)

BODY WEIGHT:

140 lb

In my teens-I had previously smoked the odd joint. Taken Acid twice ( both times' very unpleasant- The second time ended with my parent's having to call an ambulance for me because I had a massive panic attack and couldn't breathe), and had done the odd line of speed.

Due to my bad experience on acid, on which I didn't even really 'trip' as such, just experienced overwhelming terror. I decided drugs of any sort just didn't agree with me and didn't do any again until in my mid twenties'- I've never tried Ecstasy-which I sort of regret. Anyway, that's probably just as well , as God Knows what it would have done to me!

The Smoking lots of weed phase:

When I was 24, I met some serious Stoners and began again to Smoke now and again. They were able to get hold of really good Skunk, which I'd never tried before. I told myself that weed was harmless and I wouldn't have any problems, It's just like drinking right?

I kidded myself into thinking I could control any panic reactions I had, as I'm able to control any anxiety I might have when straight. I also tended to smoke mostly on my own- being with people when I'm stoned makes me feel very self-conscious. Everything was fine for awhile, I had a great time, and for a while was really into the Dope culture.

I don't recall exactly when I started going nuts, as I call it, I think it was pretty gradual. The first time I noticed it I was on holiday with my boyfriend ( A non Smoker) and I just felt really weird. I kept bursting into tears all the time and just feeling generally a bit off. After the holiday, It kept getting worse, I was still smoking 'cos I wasn't attributing the feelings to that oddly enough. I should have realised, because I'd felt exactly the same after taking acid- but it only lasted for a few weeks.

I started buying books about mental illness and Nervous Breakdowns because I was convinced I was going mad. It got worse until I was physically unable to talk to people, I work in a shop and I could hardly talk to the customers, I didn't go out unless I had to 'cos I couldn't bear to have people look at me, I thought they would 'know' straightaway that I was 'mad'.

I think I stopped smoking around this point-but I carried on getting worse.

I got very paranoid my boyfriend was cheating on me and stuff. I would ring him up crying, and when he asked me why I was crying I wouldn't know, I couldn't explain. I began to have this weird thing which I know now is called Depersonalization and Derealization. Basically, this was mainly the feeling that I wasn't real. I don't know why I thought this 'cos obviously I was real! My voice would come out all weird if I talked which by now, of course, was hardly ever, and wouldn't sound like my own voice. I'd have phases' of just sort of going into a trance. Sometimes' I'd feel like the world around me wasn't real either. Outside used to take on this aura of pure evil and terror, It would feel like there was a cloud of evil doom chasing me.

The thing about this experience that was most terrifying was that I had absolutely no control of it. I used to wake up in the morning, just feeling like it. It was as if a switch had been flicked in my head. I was unable to pull myself out of it anyway. I just could hardly talk, so I wouldn't have been able to explain it to a GP, or even get it together enough to go to the surgery. I should've done though , as when I'd felt similar to this after taking acid, Prozac had sorted me out after about a month. As it was, the whole thing lasted about a year- and it took longer, possibly up to 2 years for it to go away completely.

One thing which helped was megadoses of B vitamins, Vitamin C and zinc.

Anyway, I'm pretty much OK now 3-4 years later. Just have to resign myself to the fact of never taking any drug's again! I've had one brief dalliance since, In Amsterdam. It was in a coffeshop, and after about three tokes- I had to leave, I couldn't stand the thought of being around people, and had to go back to my hotel. I was awake all night, crying uncontrollably and jumping out of my skin with any noise, I was convinced people were breaking into the room and was terrified!

Luckily, I was alright the next day and hadn't triggered off a relapse but it was close. It saddens me a bit that I can't take drugs- Not because I feel in any danger with addiction or anything, but because I find drug experiences very interesting. I know that if I take anything, I could be sent completely over the edge. I never realised that Cannabis could have this effect.

Exp Year: 1999	ExpID: 25805
Gender: Female
Age at time of experience: Not Given
Published: Jul 4, 2006	Views: 7,078
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Cannabis (1) : Various (28), Depression (15), Health Problems (27), Retrospective / Summary (11)