DOSE:

Dimenhydrinate

BODY WEIGHT:

125 lb

You think, it won’t happen to you
And you know, everyone says that
And they are wrong.
You still think, I’m the exception to that rule
Superstition and suggestive thoughts.
Anything but denial,
But then, that is denial.
I’m really not falling into the stereotype
But by swearing I’m not,
I also plead, I could be.
I have to be open to that idea.
Even though I think ill get better on my own.
And right now, maybe I did dream it all
I even doubt my own mind.
I know what I heard
What I saw
Where I’ve been
I just have no way to prove it;
Tuck my wings back under my dress
And walk under the city lights
Letting the shadows devour me.
And the last voice I hear
Will not be my own.


Even if I knew for sure, its gravol
I wouldn’t stop
Im scared, yes
But…what if it’s not a hallucinogen
And im getting closer to the TRUTH.
What if this is a real voice
Belonging to something or someone
And im only in a state of mind to hear it
When im on gravol?

It’s not like im imagining
And it’s not like im crazy
I just can’t tell the difference
Until I turn, and no ones there
But the voice remains clear in my mind
I know I heard it
Mostly on the left, but I hear it.

What’s real anymore?
Maybe I perceive things all my life
And they were also not true.
I just don’t know what to believe,
Or what is true.
Because I KNOW I heard a voice
But there was no one to be seen.
That doesn’t necessarily mean the voice was a fabrication.
Does it???

I don’t know if it’s so much I want to be rid of the voice
I only heard it about 5 times in almost 5 months.
It’s more like..i want to understand it.
Or be with it.
Im not sure which though,
If either.

Im not alone, obviously.
I mean, why would I hear if its non existent?
Im not imagining it, this is on the outside of my head.
And it’s not of the voices I have always heard.
Its in English, says my name
But wont answer.

I guess I should feel lucky.
The doctor says to go to another doctor..
But I think i've all ready said too much.
If I wasn’t so worried and convinced (?),
I never would have said anything at all.
I even told mom,
So I know. This is serious.
Isn’t it???

my friends would be mad if they knew all this.
a few say its not gravol cause they never had these situations.
But…all the things I looked up, point to gravol
I still wouldn’t stop though, not now.
Especially not now.
It’s all so easy.
I can breathe.
Except for that one night when I stopped breathing in my sleep.
Mom said it could be stress.
Probably.
But I don’t know
I don’t know anything anymore,
There’s no difference between what was yesterday
And what wasn’t.

i have always heard voices,
but now..these are in english
and to the left, and OUTSIDE my head.
and its just my name, or something i cannot make out,
but its loud, so loud. and they dont respond when i ask who is there. my feet dont touch the ground i reach out for someting, but my hands are nowhere near the object. things move in the house, shadows walk around, when people arent even in the room. this has only happened since ive taken gravol. i started a few months ago, and my asthma is gone, i feel more confident, happy..relaxed. its just once in awhile i wonder...what is real anymore.

Exp Year: 2000	ExpID: 2661
Gender: Female
Age at time of experience: Not Given
Published: Nov 13, 2001	Views: 16,079
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Dimenhydrinate (17) : Not Applicable (38), Poetry (43), Retrospective / Summary (11)