DOSE:	repeated	oral	MDMA	(pill / tablet)
		oral	Alcohol - Hard	(liquid)
		smoked	Cannabis - Hash	(tar / resin)
	repeated	smoked	Tobacco - Cigarettes
	repeated	smoked	Cannabis	(plant material)

BODY WEIGHT:

120 lb

1. Accidental Beauty

The First time I did Ecstasy, was kind of an accident. My best friend, and trip buddy, had been talking about doing it for weeks. Months actually, but I think we both knew that we were really to chicken to really go through with it. It was something we hadn’t thought much about until I started dating a boy who had been quite addicted to pills only a year or so before.

I have to admit that before I met him, I had never wanted, or even thought about trying E. Dating this guy totally changed my perspective. The pills had fucked him up really fast, after the first time that he tried it, he only wanted more, and he got more, straight to the point were he was strung out on pills most every single day. I wanted to do it better. I could do anything better than him… I wasn’t going to become a pill-junkie… And I didn’t.

The night I did it, had been a much anticipated night, not so much because I was going to try pills, (since I didn’t know that at the time) but because there was going to be a deejay from Holland there, and I knew it was going to be hard-core music, the kind that I like. My mom was on a trip to California, and I was home alone with my dad all week. Like every other day that week, we went out for dinner, and we had a couple of beers while I ate some delicious food. We went home and my then-boyfriend came over to take a couple of vodka shots. I was pretty drunk by the time we got picked up to go to the party so the pills were really quite far from my mind. I had always read things about not mixing MDMA with alcohol since both dehydrate. But I was drunk, and the night was young, time to get the party started. My best friend picked us up, and we drove to a Club.

At the Club it was a little flat. Not too many people, and the music hadn’t started to get going yet. But it didn’t matter… We met up with some other friends and smoked some hash while the party started filling up. It was kind of a blur, and at one point all of us were standing near the dance floor just chilling out when my boyfriend meets up with one of his old friends and tells me he’ll be right back. I didn’t do the math at that moment, told him okay, turned out to talk to the rest of the group, but they disappeared. What the fuck? Where is everyone? I am alone. Fuck, oh well, I’ll just follow the boyfriend and his friend to where they went. Fuck can’t find them either!

I walk around for about 2 minutes, when I see them standing by some of the chairs on the beach. The equation makes perfect sense now. I walk over to them, and see them pop their pills. POP. What did I walk into? They make some small talk as if I didn’t just see them do what they did. “Want one?” They ask. “No. I’m drunk” I reply. Wow, I just said no to pills. Pretty good of me. Nevertheless, I somehow end up with half of the little suckers in my hand and stared at it for a pretty long time. It was small and blue or green, and had this little hart stamped on it. How could this little thing do anything? It’s smaller than aspirin! It’s so innocent.

My guy and his friend are just talking to me, and to each other, and before I know it, I bring it to my mouth, and swallow it. Oihhh.

My guy and his friend look at me. What did you do? Their eyes ask me. But they know, they know better than me what I just did. Innocence, not anymore. Oh well, I did it now anyways. I am instructed by the boyfriend not to tell a soul, but as soon as I can think about it, I do just that. I run around like a madhouse trying to find my trip buddy, because this is an experience we need to share. When I find him, he’s with all the other people, and I try to make googly eyes to tell him, but he doesn’t get it. I finally pull him away from the group and tell him, which my boyfriend saw, I think. I ignore the fact that I ignored his instructions and tell my friend to ask my guy for pills. He does just that, but of course the boyfriend doesn’t have any, because he doesn’t do that anymore. My friend knows the boyfriend can easily score, and the next 30 minutes become a hunt for chemicals as the anticipation anxiety rises. Not for me, I’m on my way.

Innocence, no not anymore. After about half an hour, (felt more like half the night) we score and divide our catch so that I get half more, my buddy get 1 whole, and the boyfriend gets another half. I am well on my way to never-land and wait for the feelings to reach my friend. And at about 1.30 we are both full on tripping balls. All that happiness inside a little pill. Wow.

We stand around, we dance around, I wonder if it’s going to look weird if I hug that palm tree, and my tripper friend seems to have walked of the planet. Wow. I never ever had these feelings before. I never felt such a light from the inside, I never felt this beautiful. I remember standing with the boyfriend, full on E, talking to these people that I only sort of knew, and I was smiling, and I looked fabulous, too beautiful. The boyfriend takes my head in his hands and he kisses me. The feeling of another tongue in my mouth feels overwhelmingly soft and tender. I wanted to kiss him all night. He looked so happy; I hadn’t seen him like that ever before, and never after, either. I hugged my best friend, and told him I loved him. I hugged my boyfriend and told him I loved him. I ended up hugging that tree and told it I loved it.

We danced around a bit more, and left around 4 a.m. since my friend had to be home at 5 and we wanted to smoke a little weed before the end of the trip. That cab-ride home was magical, and my boyfriend was talking non-stop to the driver. I was beautiful and I laughed my ass of most of the time. What a wonderful trip. The lights swirled by and the moments were timeless. The car stopped in front of my house, and all three of us got out. We laughed and talked and hugged and smoked weed for the rest of the time until my friend had to go home. He left and I was there with my boyfriend. We went to my room, had marvelous E sex and went to bed right after. I think it was about 6 a.m. by the time I got to sleep, and at 10 I woke up to do grocery shopping with my dad. I heard that E hangovers were the worst and that it would totally fuck me up the next day, but I never felt a thing.

I had to take a biology fieldtrip and spend most of the day outside looking at the beautiful untouched nature that my island has to offer. I was in an E daze for all of two weeks after that first time, and was truly able to appreciate everything that went on around me.

2. Planning for Disaster

Another big trance music party? Buddy trip, let’s do E then. It’ll be the second time we do it, and it’ll be even better than the first. November 28th would be the day we did it again, the day before my 17th birthday. I had talked to various dealers before that Friday to make sure that there would be some happy stuff available for me and whoever would join me that night.

The night started nice with my friends and I going out for dinner at the place were I work, but the whole time I was feeling a little shaky because I knew that in a couple of hours I would be tripping balls with my friends again. I didn’t want to smoke up before we did it because I wanted to feel just the E, as opposed to it being watered out due to the weed or alcohol in my system. It was going to be just Buddy Trip and myself this time. Though some other friends would be joining us at the party. When I got home from dinner we chilled out at my house for a while till it was time to go to the party. We left home about 11.30 p.m. but upon arriving at mambo we realized that it was totally empty. There was practically NOBODY.

I went inside to check if we could find my pill-guy inside but he was nowhere to be found. I went back out and tried to call him another couple of times. No friggin answer on his phone. So I tried another guy. No luck there either. FUCK, I’M FUCKED. My ex-boyfriend called my driver for the night, and we had to pick him up from work. We went there, and picked him up, smoked some weed and he assured me that there would be someone in there who could supply us with pills. I sure hoped so. We went inside the party around 12.30 A.M. and tried to find the usual suspects. Weird. Everyone seemed to be hiding out tonight.

The search continues. We looked for pills everywhere that night, we asked everyone, but no one had any, or wanted to sell any. It looked like it was going to be a long night. I had seen the biggest pill-head on the island cross my path a couple of times so I tried to get the ex to find him, because pill-head would sell us some for sure. Finally around 2.30 A.M. we got our shit. It all happened so rush-y and fucked up that by that time I was ready to call it a night and spend the early hours of my b-day sober. But seeing as though I had just turned 17 and we had been planning this night for so long, I guess I felt like I couldn’t back out anymore, I didn’t want to let anyone down, so I popped it. Without looking at it first. Bad idea.

In my mouth I felt how frigging big this pill was. Not at all like last time. This was big and white, a Mitsubishi, which around here were known to be laced with speed. To fucking late now, I already swallowed it. I was a bit worried about the whole speed thing, but my ex assured me that it was fine and that he had been swallowing these since the first time he took them, 2 years ago, and that’s what got him addicted. GREAT! I waited for it to come on, and it did. Pretty weakly. I didn’t feel all to warm and fuzzy. Buddy Trip and I were sitting at a picnic table with another friend and the dealer who just sold us these shitty pills came to sit with us, while he popped another, and did a line. Fucked up shit man. The first time I ever really saw the inside of the world of the people who did this all the time. I still felt fine though. We danced a little, talked a little, but I could totally feel the speed overpower the MDMA, which probably wasn’t present at all.

Hmm… How long will this last, I wondered. Around 4 A.M. we met another E friend. We passed, and stopped at, a car crash on our way there, and I remember standing next to buddy trip and the police while I was on speed and whatever the fuck else was in that pill. We smoked a little skunk there and it was quite fucked up as when the skunk hit me, the pill, which I thought was on its way out, made a comeback. I was blowing up. All the way home I don’t remember. We got a ride with one of the security guys from a club and I tripped out in the car. When we came home I thought I was fine and proceeded to smoke about 6 cigarettes in 3 minutes and when my buddy left, and I was home alone with my ex I lost it.

I thought I was going to die. I walked around to keep myself from passing out, but I couldn’t. I sat down on the kitchen floor and I felt like I had never been there before. I thought about telling my parents. I was sweating a river, my heart was racing, I couldn’t see anything, and fuck I was going to die. But if I told my parents, I would die also, because they would kill me for sure. The ex was really my savior at this point. He told me to stand up and walk, so I did. I walked through the neighborhood barefoot at 6 A.M., I walked and talked and tried to eat a granola bar which really only tasted like 3 million little grains in my mouth.

We walked around a bit for the next hour, both through the neighborhood and circles around my pool. I was spun. I had to waste energy and just keep myself from fucking up.

Around 7 A.M. my ex got really tired, and wanted to go to bed. I was still strung out and didn’t feel like I could sleep yet, but I let him go to sleep anyway. At this time I was really worried whether buddy trip might have had the same experience as me, and that basically kept me up for another hour. I went to my room though, because I knew I could face my mom in the state I was in, and it was already around the time that she usually wakes up. In my room I paced around like a rat in a cage, while my heart raced around in my chest at what felt like 300 BPM. I think the peak of the speed just hit me, as I was talking and walking and doing everything really fast.

Everything seemed to worry me, and I was more paranoid than the time I played hockey after smoking a joint at the club and sort of being caught by my hockey trainer who then proceeded to threaten to throw me out of the team and notify my parents of my behavior if it really was a joint I was smoking. At 8 A.M. I got out of my bed in which I had been speed dreaming for about an hour or so, to check up on the ex, who had taken 2 pills, and looked pretty bad. I opened his room door, and it smelled nasty, like some animal had died in there a week earlier. I woke him up from the pool of sweat he was swimming in, just to see if he was still breathing. He was, and he said he felt fine. Yeah right, he looked worse than a dog waiting to be slaughtered. I think he said that just to keep me from worrying. It worked though, because I went back to my room and my heart bate had finally slowed a bit to around 150 BPM and was able to avoid the speed dreams I had been having before and got some sleep.

At 9.30 A.M. I was awaken by my mom who said one of my friends brothers was on the phone with the question, did I know where his bro was because he hadn’t come home last night. What a way to wake up after the fucking worst trip of my life.

Everything turned out fine though. It wasn’t really one of my good friends who didn’t come home, which shouldn’t have mattered, but it settled my worry from the split second my mom told me one of my friends didn’t come home. The person I could think of was buddy trip. After speaking on the phone to my friend’s brother, I called my buddy and he told me that he had a very fantastic trip and he didn’t get the bad effects I had at all. I felt like I could take on the world again.

The night hadn’t been bad, except for blowing up which passed after about 5 minutes, but it definitely had not been worth it. I wasn’t left with a changed outlook on life, I didn’t get 3 months worth of psychotherapy, I didn’t even feel like I had been affected at all, other from the fact that now I was afraid to do E again with the knowledge of how it is to have a bad trip on bad pills.

Looking back on it, it was probably a combination of factors that made me trip out that night. Right before it happened I chain-smoked about 6 cigarettes. I had seen what the world of the stuff does. I had gotten so anxious to do it, and had planned the whole thing out too carefully.

I had lost quite some weight since the last time, making me more sensitive, and I had already been scared thinking I could die before I saw my parents on my 17th birthday. It taught me that set and setting definitely do have something to do with my trip. It taught me that if I don’t feel good about doing it then don’t. Last but not least it taught me to know my source, because that night could have closed with a not so happy ending.

3.To Trip or not to Trip

Trip number 3 wasn’t planned. It was New Year’s Eve. It was shitty. I didn’t want to drink, I didn’t want to pass out at 3 because I smoked so much weed, and I didn’t really want to spend the night sober. I had gotten some pills from a friend a couple of days ago, with the plan to take them a while into the New Year. I had to go to a party with mom and dad and sister and I was thinking about taking a little bit. I guess I decided not to, when I but the baggy back and I noticed a bit of powder had fallen onto my finger and I licked it of. What a nasty and bitter taste the shit had. Oh well. It wasn’t going to affect my anyway. Or so I thought.

A little later I was sitting in the car with my sister and I was just blabbing away. I felt nice and happy, kind of hyper. Hmm… At the party I saw my best friend who I had called before to reason with about whether or not I should trip tonight. He had told me to do what I wanted to do, and I figured that meant sure go ahead.

So I ate that little bit of powder. When I got to the party, I told him about it and he wanted to do a little as well. We both ended up taking a small piece of it around 10.30 P.M. and another piece at 12.15 A.M. It hit me pretty well, supporting my theory stating that I must be really sensitive to it. It stopped working for me around 5 A.M. I think. It wasn’t so much of a full on trip.

Exp Year: 2004	ExpID: 32309
Gender: Female
Age at time of experience: Not Given
Published: Jul 29, 2006	Views: 20,450
[ View PDF (to print) ] [ View LaTeX (for geeks) ] [ Swap Dark/Light ]
MDMA (3) : Various (28), Retrospective / Summary (11)