DOSE:

7.0 g

oral

Morning Glory

(seeds)

BODY WEIGHT:

5.8 kg

Before I took this drug I was in the worst rut of my life. I was 16, pretty into ecstacy, had an eating disorder (hence the low weight at the time) and had recently left a psych unit. My friend who I will call S came across these seeds and said they were good, so I tried them as I felt like doing something new.

The first thing I have to say is they taste VILE. I chewed them with sultanas which disguised the taste pretty well but put me off sultanas for quite a long time afterwards. Although S was with me most of the time I was on the drug, I remember it as being on my own. S was not a part of my experience - in fact I'm not sure I said a single word to him.

When we had eaten them, we walked up to the main road to catch a bus. The first thing I remember was looking at the front of cars and thinking they looked like they had expressions. Most of them looked pretty menacing! This was maybe 40 mins after taking them. Then when we caught the bus, I remember looking at shop signs etc and hearing the words I read spoken to me in all different voices, crystal clear and full of expression. I began to really concentrate on what was going on inside my head. Usually, I couldn't hear myself think so clearly. I realised that I had been thinking so much in my life that all the voices of my thoughts were so jumbled I couldn't hear what they were saying. Now I could hear, as clear as day, the singular Voice Of My Thoughts.

I don't remember how I started thinking it, but I began to realise that everything goes in circles. That everything in life is connected. My thoughts were going in circles, and the starting point that connected the circles was the fact that everything goes in circles!

I don't remember what we did, I remember more about what I thought. I felt very confused and was so lost in my thoughts I couldn't speak to anyone. I think we went to someone called J's house but that may have been another time and another drug. I remember being on the bus later on, looking at the road ahead of me. Then it felt like the hand of God came out of the sky, reached into my brain, took out some files and showed them to me before rearranging them and putting them back.

Everything fell into place. 'I am at the centre of the circles' The voice of my thoughts said. 'My perspective creates my reality. I do not know anything. anything I now know could one day be proven false. There is no truth, what I call 'true' is only true because I believe that it is. Nothing really matters. things only matter because I choose to make them matter. I am too reactive to my surroundings. I am not nice enough to myself. I can choose to make myself happy if that is what I want. I am the most important thing in my life. I hold my reality together.'

I realised that I had been living my life not being true to myself. I was harming myself and other people. I was a different person depending on who I was with and how I felt. I did not know my true self. I had no stability of self. I felt as though I had stared myself in the face and looked at who I was for the first time. I was not who I had become. That was not the 'real' me. The real me was covered by layers of trying to be other things, and of trying to find answers outside of myself. I thought drugs could make me happy. I thought being thin could make me happy. I was looking for answers outside myself, when really they could only be found within myself. The 'real' me was the spirit that fueled the circles, something deeper than thought and opinions. I realised the circles of my thoughts were unneccessary. They were layers that hid my true self beneath them. All I needed to do was to live as myself, by my intuition/instinct, and everything would fall into place.

I envisioned my spirit as part of a whole. A whole that makes the heavens open, the tides change, the stars die, the wind blow and the birds sing. I call this energy Velouria (some call her/him God, or Allah, or the divine consciousness etc) When I abandoned the circles of my mind and lived as myself, I was part of this energy and nothing else. I was pure awareness (if that's the right word for it). I was aware of all the circles and breaths of the earth, instead of the unneccessary circles of my mind. I sensed and I felt, I didn't think. I used my thoughts only when my instincts told me it was neccessary. I could turn them on and off like a light switch. It was like being in permanent meditation, no effort required!

When the seeds started to wear off, I no longer felt confused. I felt calm and I knew exactly what I had to do to be happy. I had to follow one simple rule: love velouria. That meant love myself and every manifestation of velouria. I woke up in the morning and had breakfast for the first time since I could remember. I decided I was going to change my life - I was the only person who could do it.

I gave up drugs (although since started smoking weed again, and a few years later had a fling with pills and shrooms) as I felt I didn't need them to make me happy, and that they separated me from my true self. I started eating little and often, I stopped injuring myself, and I spent the next five days in this meditative state, picking things up, turning them around, appreciating their feel and the way the light shone on them, looking at them from different angles. People thought I was going mad, but it was the happiest 5 days of my life.

Of course the state didn't last, but the point is it completely changed the way I viewed myself and the world around me. There was no way I could have coped with the events of the last few years of my life if it hadn't have been for morning glory (and also my girlfriend!). Ever since I took MG I have been on a spiritual journey, and my ideas constantly evolve and grow. I won't go into that though as this is long enough already! I will always mark the beginning of February 2001 as the date I found myself. The beginning of an amazing journey of discovery that I am still traveling nearly 4 years later. If it wasn't for that day in February I'm not sure I would even be alive now, let alone happy.

I tried MG again about a year ago and it did nothing for me. I felt it had already taught me everything I needed to know from it. Other people I know who have taken it have not had it change their lives so dramatically, so I was lucky. I should also point out that I do not think morning glory can change everyones life, I know for some people it can be a disasterous or uneventful experience.

Exp Year: 2001	ExpID: 39450
Gender: Female
Age at time of experience: Not Given
Published: Mar 28, 2008	Views: 11,987
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Morning Glory (38) : First Times (2), Glowing Experiences (4), Mystical Experiences (9), Small Group (2-9) (17)