DOSE: T+ 0:00	1 tablet	oral	MDMA	(pill / tablet)
T+ 0:00	0.5 glasses	oral	Alcohol - Beer/Wine	(liquid)
T+ 2:00	0.5 tablets	oral	MDMA	(pill / tablet)

BODY WEIGHT:

140 lb

Date of experience: 12th February 2005

This was my first time taking Ecstasy, but all my friends (D, M, T, J, and N) had used it before a number of times. My previous experience with ‘drugs’ mostly involved the use of cannabis and alcohol, but also three trips on magic mushrooms and two trips on Salvia Divinorum; although it had been a long time since I had used anything other than alcohol. I had carried out little preperation for the experience other than reading up on the facts surrounding the use of Ecstasy (the law, the dangers, what to do and what not to do, how I will feel etc), and as usual for me I was quite nervous but really looking forward to the experience.

We all took our first pills at about 21:06, and then waited in a nice warm campus bar until we came up. About half an hour after dropping the pill I started to notice the first effects. The nervous anxiety from waiting for the come up started to leave me, and I started to feel like something was subtly changing in my perception of reality. So I decided to go for a little walk to the toilet, and when I looked in the mirror I noticed that my pupils were gigantic, which made me laugh because I looked like I was glaring all the time in a ridiculous way. When I came back everyone was coming up, except for D who came up after about an hour of dropping, probably because he ate closer to dropping than anyone else, and as time went on I felt myself becoming more and more wired.

It felt like I had drunk far too much coffee, but there was none of the nervous energy/anxiety that I get from a strong caffeine high, which I really hate, plus this was a level above any caffeine high I’ve ever had. I also began to feel very energetic and fidgety, but strangely dissociated from the experiences going on around me, like everything was abstracted from me. I also found that I could tune into or out of events, and that whenever I tuned in, for instance when talking, it felt like everything was speeded up. Any feelings of being mildly drunk also disappeared completely. These feelings increased somewhat over about ten minutes, during which time I became more accustomed to them so that they became less bizarre. Soon we all agreed that we had more or less come up, and that we had all lost the desire to drink, se we left for a uni event leaving behind six nearly-full pints.

When we got inside the event we decided to sit down at the back, away from the stage where various bands were playing, and for a good half an hour I was really enjoying myself. I still felt wired but more in tune and at ease with the experience and everything that was going on. I also felt quite energetic and slightly euphoric, although this wasn’t as strong as I expected it to be. Then over about fifteen minutes I moved into a mellower, more relaxed and contented state as the come up began to finish. This was a more pleasant state that was easier to relax into, and gave me a warm glowing feeling inside.

But soon after I began to feel less good: I realised that I wasn’t feeling much empathy for anyone, and that I was actually feeling quite isolated from my friends, paradoxically wanting them to talk to me, but not desiring any human contact. At first this was more of a thought process than an emotion, and I was just a little annoyed that the experience wasn’t quite as euphoric and enjoyable as I had imagined. But over time the thoughts began to manifest themselves as negative feelings in the form of a niggling anxiety which only got worse, and for a long time I stayed silent, brooding about various annoying and depressing issues.

Eventually I decided to go to the toilet where I hoped to calm down and control my feelings a bit, but things started to get much worse. I became increasingly annoyed with myself for not feeling good, and the anxiety developed into a bleaker, more depressive type of feeling which made me scared about what lay ahead, because I felt that the black wave was near. So much for controlling my thoughts and calming down! Eventually I decided that I had to do something now, or I would be in for a fucking awful time, so I headed back to my friends hoping that somehow they would help me. It’s worth saying that none of my friends experienced anything similar to this, so I’m sure that it was a thought-driven process rather than a drug mediated one.

Thankfully I sat down and M asked me if I was ok, and when I told him I wasn’t he suggested that we go for a walk, so I asked D to come along too because I knew I needed his help. So we went and sat down on a bench outside and talked, and I can honestly say that they saved the night for me. We talked about why I was feeling down, and this led onto other issues which by talking through with my friends allowed me to gradually feel less miserable, and more contented. By the end of our talk (during which time my sober friend S had joined us and helped me out too) I was feeling great: the kind of great you feel when you are scared shitless about something and have been worrying about it for a long time, and then find out that it’s no longer even a possibility. So then we headed back inside to our friends.

Things just went intensely from there on really. D and I both took another half a pill maybe two hours into the experience, but I never noticed its effects hit me, although I'm sure it probably prolonged the experience, whilst a few of the others took a second pill. I then spent most of the night talking about some very important things between D and I that had been left unsaid for far too long, and hugging of course. I felt like I could talk about pretty much anything, and that I could express myself very clearly and understandably to my friends about any subject, and I ended up coming to a number of resolutions about my life, both through talking to my friends, and by thinking through various matters. None of them were very complex, and they certainly weren’t hidden to me before doing E, it was just that whilst on E I could feel the profound significance of them all, and I experienced these feelings in such a way that I felt driven to do something about these resolutions.

I also talked about a lot of important non-personal issues with S and D, and it was great! I felt like I could have talked for days, and that I could only express myself lucidly and at length. And S repeatedly told both D and I that he couldn’t tell that we were ‘on drugs’ although rationally I was sure I must have sounded like a man possessed, but he’s not the sort of person who would have refrained from telling us if we were sounding off like idiots.

About five hours after taking my first pill the come down started to kick in, and my mellow glow of contentedness started to become more subtle and delicate, and I started to feel more like I had been on a long holiday that was coming to an end. It was really shocking to learn how much time had passed at the event, five hours seemed such a short time ago. As everyone began to come down we headed home, and after a few more hours had passed at home I had almost fully come down. A few times nearer the start of the come down I had felt absolutely gutted that I was loosing this magical state, but I managed to control my thoughts and remind myself that everything has to end. Later on we all went to bed and I found it very hard to get to sleep, although I got some nice, subtle but complex, closed eye visuals for a while, and I woke up the next day after only four hours of sleep feeling wide awake.

I was left with a subtle warm after-glow inside of me for a good part of the following day, and for a few days afterwards I felt more emotional than normal, with complex ups and downs and feelings about life. For me this was the best experience that I have ever had with ‘drugs’, and I’ll certainly never forget it. I’m really glad that my first Ecstasy experience was all about the emotional connection between friends, and solving personal issues, because it made it such a profound experience rather than just a good time. It is definitely worth considering as a personal-issue problem solving tool if you are out of ideas, but I really shouldn’t have let certain situations in my life get to the stage where they could only be talked/thought about and affected through a drug-mediated experience.

Now, over two weeks later, it’s clearly apparent that the experience has changed my life in certain small but very important ways, and all I can do is thank D for persuading me to try Ecstasy.

Exp Year: 2005	ExpID: 40978
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: Not Given
Published: May 19, 2007	Views: 5,908
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