DOSE:

22 mg

oral

2C-I

(powder / crystals)

BODY WEIGHT:

210 lb

Prior to this experience there were 3 others, all which had mild similar experience to those of others. But this one went terrible wrong or really good depending upon how you look at it. I took 22mg crystal form.

(Just a side note, when I mention Shrink, this is a nickname for my friend Bryan so Shrink and Bryan are interchangable.)

[Cast of people:]
Me
Shrink or Bryan
Ras
Drew

[11:32pm]
Well I'm still deciding whether or not to take this. There's not much really going on and nothing to worry about the next day although I've only just gotten home from school (college) for the summer and haven't talked to or seen my mom yet.

[11:48pm]
OK..., I'm going to do it, one last pill, might as well get this over with, should be fine except I've never done this alone, not just doing it alone, but I probably won't have any human contact whatsoever...

[12:02am]
It's been about 14 minutes since I've take the pill, give or take a few seconds. Nothing has happened yet. I can tell with this stuff even though I've only take it three times, I know when I feel this stuff cause the way I've previously felt it was like a strong feeling of uncertainy about what was going on, then wondering is this it?... yeah it's got to be, or is it?... In any event it's taken anywhere from 30 minutes to work, then 2 hours, then 3 hours last time, so I'm speculating at this point given factors like empty stomach, etc. that it should kick in soon, but until then I watch some tv.

[12:14am]
There's a banging noise on my window. I know who this is, it's fucking Ras outta nowhere. So I tell him to come inside the basement to the office. I come down and we talk, I tell him that I took something, but knowing Ras, I just said it was something similar to acid, but better. Now just before Ras came by I was thinking about scraping some resin together, I've drank on this stuff, but never smoked, which if you know me is really wierd. I brought down my bowl with me. While Ras was talking I started scraping some resin, something to do... Then Ras informs me of some marijuana he has with him, a lot actually, a small plastic container of dirt, and a gram of dank. It's good to have a best friend like him.

[12:38am]
I notice the time while flipping around the tv in the office. This little black and white tv, about 4 inches, somehow always keeps people watching. Ras and I just smoked the gram of dank outta my bowl. I'm definitely feeling something now. I'm still comfortable in my surroundings, and of course it's Ras, probably the least person that would ever bug me out. We start having a cigerette and watch more tv. Ras points out that I'm sitting in the fucked up chair. This chair for some reason seems to get people more fucked up on whatever they're on when they are sitting in this chair. I began to think sarcastic thoughts, like yeah watch me go outta my mind now that I'm sitting here.

[01:00am]
I know it was this time because we just finished watching Cheers. After the show is over I feel the need to sit back, that's when I realize that this tiny blur in my vision is from a string with a plastic stirrer hanging in front of my face. It doesn't bug me out but I get mad at it, especially since everytime I move it, it comes swinging back, so finally I yell, 'Enough of this!' and tie it next to the window to stop it from being in front of me. Ras pulls out some dirt weed and asks me to smell it. Yeah it's dirt, good to be back in Jtown I think sarcastically. We smoke a lot of it outta of my bubbler.

[~01:10am]
After the first commercial break of whatever it was we were watching, I feel the break. Watching tv with people, whenever there is a commerical break, always creates some kind of feeling of a social break, but opposite, cause it's always during the commericals people talk again and stuff happens. This is what I think about when the commerical came. The feeling of a break though is so intensified that I forget what it was we were watching. I know now that its definitely in full effect, although no visuals, but I'm certain they will come.

[~01:12am]
I'm getting really anxious! Neither of us are really saying anything. I know it's cause we're or Ras is really stoned. I'm thinking it's not me, I'm on something else right now so it's Ras..., but wait what I'm thinking about, It's Ras? What's Ras? Not talking? It's not like we talk every minute we hang out, this is probably normal or it's me thinking it's Ras, these are the two conclusions I gather then try to ease my anxiety by declaring it as what it is... I want to tell him about what I'm thinking, but then quickly dismiss it because he might think of it as crazy, but as I'm thinking all this I'm changing the channels around at the same time, but now since I've eased my mental anxiety for now, there still remains the problem of finding something to watch, I'm not liking anything that's on, it's all garbage, but I'm getting sick of changing the channels, I just want to relax and watch something already. With all this tension that I feel building up, I finally yell out, 'Ras what was it that we were watching?' He has no idea, That's nice, I think, all this self enduced anxiety, all this wondering and finding what to watch, all this shit, and he doesn't know! I laugh then, this seems to calm me down a lot.

[01:21am]
The good old TV guide channel. Thank goodness for this channel, all the shows that are on, and the time, you can't beat this! I see Ras, I think of me, I see the office around us, and the tv we're watching, still the tv guide channel, I think, then I burst into laughter. Laughing with Ras makes me think about all the stupid shit we've done and how funny it was, how funny what we were doing now is. After a lot of laughing, it stops, I don't like this at all! We're still watching the same shit, I wanna pick something now, I want something to watch that's not this! Ras then asks about food. I tell him yeah I could go up stairs and look for something. This really sparks something in my head, I get very exciting now, I'm doing something different, I can't wait now! Ras then asks if he should come and I immediately say no, thinking I just gotta step away from Ras for a minute to collect myself. As I walk away, I'm still thinking about why I was so excited to head up stairs. Was it just the change of settings? Then why did I want to get away from Ras? Was Ras getting on my nerves, nope I don't think so, how could Ras get on my nerves, he's Ras, he knows me and I know him... I and me... yeah it's so wierd how people perceive things different from each other then try to settle on something to make it all come together, then I figure I don't want to bug out Ras too much, so maybe this couple of minutes away will help to me to collect myself, but I still don't like that feeling of anxiety over nothing...

[~01:23am]
I'm upstairs in the kitchen with the light on. I'm certain of this because I remember walking into the kitchen turning the light on. I back this up with Ras knows I'm up here, because I can hear him from underneath. I remember Ras being here before I felt anything and I came up looking for food. Food, yeah I came up here for food. This makes sense sort of, it's gotta be true, I'm not making any of this up, and if I was, at least I knew Ras would back me up. I stop and pause for a moment and think what are you thinking about, it's like you're answering to someone, making excuses for every little thing you do, but you don't have to answer to anyone, well you do, but the ultimate person you have to answer to is yourself, because it's you making the decisions. Eh, food, what to get? I open the closet, why, cause it was the first thing closest to me that could be opened.

I open the closet door and to my surprise everything is incredibly wavey. Cereal boxes are tall and wavey, cans seems to expand and want to explode. This is nuts, I'm thinking, these are the best visuals I've ever had, matter of fact, I think, besides the other night when I was playing pool and the pool table was like an ocean, this by far is the best. I stare into the closet for a good 10 minutes. I close the door then realize wow, I was looking in there for awhile, but it didn't feel that long. I want to question how I could guess how much time has passed, but I don't want to, I want to hurry up and grab some food and go back down to the office. I forgot about Ras, he's probably thinking what the fuck is that kid up to? I get extremely tense now because everything is still bubbling and waving around, but then I tell myself it's the drugs, just ignore it, get the food and get downstaris. I haven't found anything suitable yet though, so I began to walk over to the refridgarator, a drink is always key, if all else fails at least we won't be thirsty, I think, but then I see the cat's dish with left over food in it. The food is kind of stringy but rectanglar. As I stare at it, it moves, like how snakes would move. I just keep staring at the dish watching the food crawl around, expanding, and contracting. (The only thoughts in my head at this point were of the dish, the food, and where I was)

Suddenly I realize what if I'm being to loud, I might wake up my mom, What am I doing? I gotta get out of here, fuck the food! I then run into the bathroom. I convince myself that it's better in here than out there, cause there is less enivormental conditions to worry about. I think, Ras is gonna have to wait a little longer for me... While I'm thinking this I ease my anxiety by staring into the toliet, staring at the blue water inside...

[Infinity collides with the Finite]
... (not a single conscious thought existed for some amount of time)
...
...

[Unknown Time]
'I'm starring into the toilet', I say.
'But why are you staring into the toilet?'
'Who are you?'
'I'm me!'
'Who are you?'
'I forgot!'
'I'm [My First Name] [My Last Name]'
'Who's that?'
'I... I don't know?'
'What do you mean you don't know?'
'I forgot who I am...'
'You forgot who you are?'
'Well... not really'
'Explain...'
'I know of me, but I forgot who I am.'
'You gotta fix this somehow then.'
'Fix what?'
'Not knowing who you are.'
'HOLY SHIT, I DON'T KNOW WHO I AM!!!'

I then proceeded to bug out, and then thought 'RAS!!!' Ras will be able to fix this, or at least help me into realizing who I am. I then headed down the stairs back to the office, the whole time thinking, 'I don't know who I am!' The thoughts seems to get louder and louder and before I could get back into the office, I felt a moment of eternity. I understood what it meant to be eternal and not exist in time space, or anything else. I got the most scared I've ever got in my life, I thought I was going to die, but not die, just be stuck somewhere forever, never being able to move, think, or perceive. I told myself go into the office, go into the office, everything will be ok, I totally doubted myself, I thought for sure this was it, I fucked up, but hearing the tv, remembering about tv, tv shows, for a brief moment I knew that there possibly could be a reality, and because I was so far from it right now, I wanted to get back and going into the office was the only safe way.

[02:11am]
Ras talks, but no words are processed, just the idea of him saying something. I don't care now, I gotta tell Ras what the fuck is going on, so he can convince me of stuff that's real, 'Whats real?', I think, but before I could answer or question myself anymore I yell out 'I forgot who I am' Ras laughs, I couldn't take any guess at his motivations, thoughts, or his level of perception at all, all I had to go on was, I know that's Ras cause I remember him. Ras says, 'Wow man, What's it feel like to forget who you are?' Thoughts of how Ras thinks started to pop into my head, I didn't want to scare him too much, and me for that matter, and without rethinking I said, 'I forgot who I am, but not because I forgot who I was...', (This was to make sure Ras didn't bug out, the not because I forgot who I was part), '..but, because I forgot about...', (remembering how stuff changes), '...time and...', (remembering that with change comes entities of change), '...space.' I say it again as a complete thought, for some reason that made the most sense, maybe it was cause Ras looked like he knew what I talking about, or because I knew what I was talking about, or both, or neither, but it sure as hell felt 'right.'

[~02:20am]
The time could or could not be far off, it doesn't matter though. I keep making Ras say things. I began to think I like the idea of talking, the exchange of ideas using words that are truly defined in each other's head using past experiences. The idea of communication gives me the most warming and protective feeling. I then began to think how wonderful sound is, how better than vison it is because of it's linear processing, I say, 'Sound is great, just vibrations, much simpler than sight.' I need more sound, I think as I began to feel myself slip away. I turn on the tv and there was some kind of musical on. I totaly emerced myself into the show. The tv felt alive, though it started dropping and waving down, but this is the least of my worries I thought. I would focus only on sight and sound, then a thought would come in about how alive I feel when I hear sound, thought about how sight is complicated and based on mental interpretations of light... Light, I think, I then start to worry about that eternal feeling I had before, I'm hoping it doesn't come back but I think it's about to... The commercial comes on, the music is over, I feel that slight change I felt before when a commercial would come on, but it's very faint this time, the feeling of nothing keeps lingering around, and then Ras says, I'm going to go home now, you ok?

'I'm me', I said, 'I'll be alright' But I still have the feeling of forgetting who I was when I said those words. Ras leaves. I don't want to be in the basement anymore, maybe I could try and get some sleep and wake up normal again I think.

[Few minutes later]
No thoughts fill my head on my way up stairs. Instead I concentrate on any sounds I can hear and the shadows that are around me. I made it into my room. 'Who the fuck I am?' I think, this sucks, I haven't forgotten about the stuff I've done, why have I this feeling of forgetting who I was. I began to think about what I did before, I saw nothing, I think, but I didn't, so it had to be nothing, the absence of thought. This is crazy! I like to go onto the computer I think, I like using the computer... Liking stuff, to do stuff, these thoughts seemed to give me a real sense of being calm, but then as quickly as it came it left once I sat in front of the computer, the monitor looked like it was the size of the room, icons went nuts and were swirling and waving around. It was at this point I realize that I had rounded vision, in each corner of my sight of view was rounded, I couldn't perceive anything that was not in front of me, but I knew this, but it still made me somewhat uneasy.

[02:49am]
The time, how great it is, or is it? I saw the time, but still didn't like it, it did absolutely nothing for me, except as a reminder of how much more time I had. I say stuff out loud, hearing myself talk reminds me of me. I then think I could prove to myself that I was by looking into the mirror... No... I get very scared at the idea of looking into the mirror, I began to think that it might kill me in some way, there's no way in hell im looking in the mirror right now, so don't even think about it! I'll talk to Shrink, I think, he knows me, maybe he can figure this shit out. I start and try to remember why Shrink would know who I am. At first when I remember Shrink, I think should I talk to him, or is he just one of those friends you hang out with, but don't ever really know too well. Then I remember his name is Bryan, and yeah I could talk to him about almost anything. 'Are you sure?' I ask myself. I then began to think about how I lived with him at his sister's place last summer. I still felt uneasy, almost like a sick feeling in my stomach, about talking to Shrink about this craziness that was going on.

But then a conversation that Shrink had with me popped into my head. It was this time Shrink went into detail about his lyme disease. It wasn't the actual conversation I was thinking about, rather the way I felt when he was having a hard time explaining stuff to me. How by the tone in his voice you could tell no one ever really listened to this kid before, or did, but never intensively as I did. I'm guessing this was a feeling of being in someone else's shoes to speak, but only emotionally, I think, because then I thought well what if Shrink told me he forgot who he was, I would try and help him. So I finally instant message Shrink, and tell him I forgot about myself. I don't remember if or what he said, but I then started to think this is too crazy, even for me, I decide to end it at that, and not go into any stories or ask any questions, rather just the notion of his response was good enough for me. Then another Instant message pops up from Drew, Now I might have sent him a message, I don't know, but when this particular one came up, it was the word Game^3 (funny spelling of gamecube). I laugh for a moment after saying it aloud many times, but the monitor becomes way too much to handle, it's waving at a rate I can't take any more. I gotta blink I think, and stretch.

I stand up and stretch, this feels so good. I rub my chest, my back, my arms, and blink. I'm alive I think, I feel alive, this is great! I think about going to sleep and look at my bed, then it hits me, that feeling of enternity again, everlastingness, I began to think about 2-D images and think that going to sleep right now, I may not wake up. I think about the nothingness that is surrounded by a body and mind and quickly become scared that sleeping, like looking in mirror, is not an option.

[Time doesn't matter now: This next part is what I can recall to the best of my ability]

'I gotta fix this' I said. I remember thinking that before when I forgot who I was

'Fix what?! You're REALLY fucked up!' I said. I remember that 2ci is radioactive and an unheard of drug I think

'How can any of this be?' I said. I began to think about what reality is...

[In my head]

How can any of this exist? What's the point? I know how to fix this I think. I gotta rebuild reality and prove to myself that it exists. (Over the past few months Shrink has been constantly filling my head with a lot of philosophical ideas about existence and such. And like the classic stoner I try to come up with my own explanations with my own perspective. One such thing was my theory of nothing. It was all just talk until now...) Well, if I'm right I can do this using my theory. If it works I'm right and all the more insight for me, if I'm wrong then reality still exists because it's not based off nothing or at least it's based off not nothing, which is something. OK, Let's do this.

[I breathe really deep and stand up]

I can't stand still, nor stop moving my hands around. I wish I could sit, but I can't. I'm still really bugged out, all I want is for this to end, and I got this sick feeling in my stomach. So I decide to pace around my room in a square like pattern, taking a deep breathe at each corner. The more constant my pace is, the better my stomach feels, except at corners, which is why I take the deep breathe, it was the easiest way to deal with the corners.

[In my head]

Let's start with nothing. The absence of everything. If everything is/was eventually 'nothing', then it would make sense that 'something' must always exists. Wait, I never cleared up that step though. Why are their stories to remember, things, people, and ideas if everything is eventually nothing? Why am I perceiving stuff?

[I began to get very anxious to the point where I want to kill myself]

My pacing becomes to sporadic to control. Just then I get a shock from bumping into the door knob.

[In my head]

Electricity... Current... Wait...

[I stop and stand still]

I start to hear myself breathe. I can actually concentrate on my breathing, and I think I can control it.

[In my head]

The reason why 'something' must always exist is because our universe, or at least the way we perceive it, is like electricity. Yeah. Always going from one end to another end. There always has to be 'something' in order for it be 'nothing', and if everything became 'nothing' it wouldn't work out because I would have literally nothing to compare it to. WOW!

[I sit down on my bed and look out the window and at the sky through the trees]

'That's why electrons are in probability clouds' I said. As I heard my own voice, I realize I haven't said anything in what seemed to be a really long time.

[05:40am~]
It's roughly quarter to 6 now, I finally realized about time and space and started to notice reality as a whole again. I then realized it was almost time for my mom to wake up and get ready for work. I still felt somewhat sick to my stomach, but I was very calm now. I then noticed I had my normal vision back again. The swirling of everything had stopped, it seemed like the visuals went away. I was very shaky and weak, like I'd been exercising all night. Yet I finally felt like it was over. I was finally able to lay down in my bed. I noticed the sun was rising. As the sun rose I thought about my whole life to this point. Like the analyst I am I couldn't help but try to explain the what happened. I thought should I tell anyone about this or will they think I've actually gone crazy. I then thought what if this experience had made me somewhat crazy now. How would I be able to tell? I thought then that I was going to type up what happened tomorrow. (which is this) Hold onto this until I felt I could trust someone to read this. Until then I would keep this all to myself so I could use it to my advantage. I began to think about other things, people I met at school so far, people I hung out with in JTown and New Brunswick. Who could I actually trust?

I began to think about the difference between men and women and the interactions between them. Also how women treated each other compared to how men treated each other. For some reason I generalized all these behaviors to the point where I could point them out in people. Well I kinda do know why I did this, as an attempt to have a better way of being able to get a woman over other men. Kinda like that movie where some guy can read womens' minds, I don't feel like looking to see what the name of it was, cause I never saw it anyway, just the commercial.

[06:04am]
As I'm laying down and stare at the clock while thinking, I hear my mom coming down from her bedroom into the kitchen. I stop thinking about everything and concentrate on the present. I feel fine now except for my stomach, but I had this feeling the past 3 times with 2C-I afterwards and it went away within a few days, so I wasn't too concerned now. I just wanted to go to sleep now, but first I wanted to see my mom. I went out of my room and the whole time just tried not thinking about what just happened and concentrate on talking to my mom. She was surprised I was home, and asked me why I decided to come home the night before I said I was coming home. Normally I would have been able to deal with this mom-like questioning and wouldn't have even give a second thought, but I at this point I just wanted to sleep. I couldn't help but think about what she was thinking about and why. I then thought about why was she so nosey about why I came home early, and realized she was just making conversation or being nice and really was just an innocent question. But it was too late cause I'm guessing my tone of voice or the way I looked at her said otherwise, and she used her mom tone of voice and said 'What happened? What did you do? Did something happened? Are you in trouble? Are you ok?'

I then said, 'What?! No, I just decided to cause I wanted to stop by Shrink's at Rutgers cause they were having a party.' I really did stop by too, but it was to pick up some marijuana, heh. I then hugged her and told her I was really tired and just wanted to go to bed cause I didn't get home until late. She said goodnight and I was back in my room again. Thankful that I talked her now so she wouldn't wake me up later and that she couldn't tell I was cracked out, I laid down as soon I got into my room. I then fell asleep.

The following is a list of substances I have done (alphabetically):

2C-I (RARE! experience you just read...), alprazolam (xanax), buprenorphine w/naltrexone (suboxone), cannabis (marijuana, hashish), cocaine/crack, diazepam (valium), diphenhydramine (simply sleep), dxm, heroin, hydrocodone (vicodin, lortab), ketamine, lsd (acid), mdma (ecstasy), meth, nitrous oxide, opium, oxycodone (endocet, oxycontin, oxydose, percocet, roxicodone), pcp, psilocybin (mushrooms), salvia, tiletamine w/zolazepam (Mr. T is EXTREMELY RARE! Still have empty bottles for photos...), trazodone, zolpidem (ambien)

Exp Year: 2002	ExpID: 47590
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: Not Given
Published: Dec 5, 2005	Views: 14,817
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2C-I (172) : Difficult Experiences (5), Various (28)