DOSE:

repeated

insufflated

Methamphetamine

(powder / crystals)

BODY WEIGHT:

128 lb

I have been doing meth since thanksgiving break of 2005. I started because I was curious to try it, even though I have seen what it's done to several of my friends from my old crowd back in Kentucky. I don't really know what my logic was regarding the justification of doing meth, which for the longest time I had sworn I would never try, that it was a hick white trash drug.

My former best friend Stuart said he knew a dealer, so he went and bought it for me and dropped it off at my house a day or two before thanksgiving. I did it for what was really my second time doing it the next morning. I didn't initially notice any effects, but I did notice when I began coming down. I liked the way it made my teeth grind and how powerful and self confident I felt and how I had absolutely no appetite.

I also for some reason have always preferred to snort things as opposed to smoke or swallow, although I've never tried injecting. Most of my friends were aware of my use, although not to the extent it was going to. after my first bag, I immediately decided to make myself a tweaker, because I felt like it gave me some kind of identity and fed into my tough-girl image. It also helped with my want/need for abusing myself, because although I quit cutting and don't exactly practice an eating disorder, it doesn't feel natural for me to take care of myself. And I like how meth--as it's supposed to--tweaks me out. Don't eat, don't sleep, euphoria. I feel like I have control. I also appreciated that it was a drug without fucking me up so I couldn't pay attention in class or just not function. I am not physically addicted, I am capable of going without, but mentally it scares me to consider that, although I really haven't been doing it for that long.

In the last two or so months, I have been consistently more euphoric, although I have become very edgy and impatient with friends because they irritate the hell out of me, I don't know why. I haven't really stressed it [using meth] to any people except Stuart, my boyfriend John, and my two friends Tim and Sasha. Sasha used to be heavily into heroin and morphine, but quit sometime last year. He smokes pot and does hippie type things, but as far as I can tell, he doesn't need them mentally or physically. I started hanging out with him in October and we grew really close really fast. I don't have any sexual interest, and I think that's reciprocated, but we just get along really well and can spend hours doing stupid shit like making seal noises in Northampton or asking everyone we see if they like Korn. We've never done drugs together, and I don't know if we ever will. I consider Sasha one of my best friends here or in Kentucky, and I think that he's an incredibly smart and sensitive person. We rag on each other mercilessly and we both care.

Tim, I don't know as well but I trust him quite a bit. We met through myspace and met up at a coffee shop and started talking a lot. He smokes weed and drinks, and that's about it. He likes to play therapist to people, and I've spent more and more time talking/hanging out with him. He and Sasha are the two that I've been most open with my meth thing about.

When I got back home from break, I went over to Tim's house (1/3/06) and I was on meth when I went over, and did more while I was there. He knew about all of it. Later that evening, I'm unclear on why exactly, he and Sasha started talking online and apparently they vaguely knew each other. I wandered off and went to bed early because I was exhausted. I don't know exactly what happened, but apparently Sasha and Tim spent four hours that night talking about me and how they wanted me to quit. I went over to Tim's house the next day, Wednesday, and he casually brought it up, then built up to flat out confronting me. He and Sasha both know most of the dealers in the area, and apparently they had contacted most of them and told them who I was and not to sell to me, they would pay double what I was offering. I believe this because I know that between them they know most of the area. I was initially angry and then I was confused. I honestly like them a lot, and I respect their opinions. So they cut off my connections, and Tim told me straight out that he would do whatever I needed him to do if I quit.

I was really confused, and it made me angry that they both cared enough to pull something like this, and also because nobody has ever done something like that for me. Ever. At least related to drugs. They won't tell any adults, but between them they are far more convincing than the threat of being sent away. I admit, I am completely terrified of quitting doing meth. I am afraid of going back to having mood swings that can't be predicted by my drug use and possibly gaining weight and having to again deal with my low self esteem.

I didn't think that doing meth had changed me, but I've asked, apparently I have--and I don't want that. I don't want to turn back into more like what I used to be, which is what I know I am actually doing. This is going to take a lot of effort on my part, especially when I'm visiting Kentucky, because it's so easy to get there. My ultimate decision as of Thursday, January 5, 2006, is to permanently quit meth. No having one bump and so on, because I know that I am not doing this enough for myself not to start again. I still have some left, I am in fact on it right now.

My plan that I agreed to with Tim is to finish it all today and tomorrow, and on Saturday spend the day at his house to combat the most miserable comedown I'll ever have. This will be, on my stubborn fucking will as a standing point, the end of my meth use. I am not doing it necessarily out of a real desire to quit, but to show my gratitude and appreciation to Tim and Sasha. Right now I am only looking at the present and I don't want to quit, but this is a good opportunity that I could regret not taking. I will not let a drug take over my life again, although my strongest instinct is to do so, because it's an escape and I can feel like I'm someone that matters. It's going to be terrifying for a while, it really scares me right now actually, but I trust them both and I also have John and Nathalian (one of my oldest friends) as support. On Saturday, January 7, 2006, I am going to quit doing meth. I'm scared, but altogether am not confident of my ability.

I am writing this out because this is my first voluntary drug use reduction. I don't know whether I'm going to quit other drugs, but honestly the only other one I'm interested in is ecstacy, and I doubt that I will be able to get it any time soon. I plan to continue to ask for support. I ended this at 12:44 PM on Thursday, January 5, 2006. I started using meth on November 24, 2005. I am not going to define myself as a tweaker anymore. I hope I will find more of a personality and base it less on my actions. I have been a goth, a raver, a slut, a tweaker, an insomniac, and a crazy bitch. I don't necessarily consider all of those negatives, but maybe I'll be happier off than on. I am not, however, looking forward to the return of my mood swings and lowered self esteem. and now, I think I'm babbling, so I will end the confession.

--------------------------------------------------------------

I wrote the above at the beginning of my last meth binge, when I was first starting. That night was when I began to start in on my stash so I could use it up. Thursday night I bought several energy drinks and drank two, then waited to get tired. I spent the entire night on the computer, although I frequently went out to have a cigarette. I started getting tired/coming down by about midnight, so I had two bumps and drank another energy drink, then waited. It started getting a little worse at four or so, so I had another bump. I wasn't just getting my usual euphoria, but also this kind of edginess. I felt like my skin wasn't big enough to contain me. I also had in mind the constant knowledge that this was the end, and I wasn't getting any more after this.

I had another bump at about seven am, after not having slept at all that night. my usual pattern was to have a one or two bumps a day and then pass out at maybe one in the morning. So, after that bump I went to classes. For my first class I was fairly functional and alert, although slightly jittery. By around ten, I was beginning to feel the negative effects. I wanted more, I wanted more, but I really had to make it last until Saturday, because I couldn't crash right now. I made myself wait until ten thirty for another bump, and then after that I began to get more and more paranoid and anxious. I wasn't really getting euphoria, I was really hyper, basically. My mind was going every which fucking way, and weirdly enough, all my thought patterns led back to meth.

From somewhere around there to about two or so is a little bit of a blur. at two, I went to therapy and it was the most emotional session I have ever had. I wouldn't stop talking and because I was starting to come down I was really emotional. I finally confessed what I'd been doing/what I was doing to my therapist, and, to make a long story short, the next ten hours was a nightmare. I went to a friend's house and he threw away what I had left. While at his house, I came down. I was shaking uncontrollably and alternating between anxious and euphoric.

The rest of the evening is also a blur, although my friend was with me and he said I became increasingly aggressive and panicked. My memory kicks in back around nine thirty or so, when my therapist took me to my school's health services to spend the night. I began hallucinating people/small furry animals running around out of the corner of my eyes and behind my head, and nothing would stop waving around. literally. I knew that it was all just in my mind, so I wasn't freaked out too much. by midnight, I could sleep, and somewhere around then I fell asleep.

It's now Sunday, and although I still don't feel so great, I've been eating a lot (before this I ingested a total of maybe 2000 calories the entire week), drinking a ton of water, and sleeping. I don't have too many cravings, although Saturday I was missing the chemical taste in my nose when I snorted it, but then I realistically noted that I couldn't even find any if I tried.

Exp Year: 2006	ExpID: 49503
Gender: Female
Age at time of experience: Not Given
Published: Oct 1, 2007	Views: 13,215
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Methamphetamine (37) : Retrospective / Summary (11), Addiction & Habituation (10), Hangover / Days After (46), Relationships (44), Not Applicable (38)