DOSE:

1 tablet

oral

MDMA

BODY WEIGHT:

155 lb

I write this in hope that I can communicate the experience in my own terms, yet not try to be a 'buzzkill'.

I'd always thought myself the rational thinker; the man people looked to for guidance or structure. A close relative once said that if robots were to take over the earth, they would model themselves after me. It seems a pretty accurate description, truthfully. Stoicism is in my nature. It's who I am. Perhaps this paragraph may put some perspective onto my experience and give others insight into how I came to the realizations that I did.

The list of psychoactives I’ve taken is not distinguished. I’ve smoked a cigarette or two, had my bouts with alcohol, and most importantly was really fond of marijuana. Unlike alcohol, which basically numbs my mind and nicotine, which I feel is a really cheap high, pot really initiated me into the possibilities of the conscious mind. I smoked regularly for about 6 months, usually smoking only on weekends or when my friends would display their generosity. At the most gut level, I had a strong affinity to it.

I had studied, extensively, the other possibilities. I began to research and at least at a surface level understand the nature of the drugs of this world, and their seemingly endless possibilities. I was fascinated by LSD and shrooms, and am likely going to take them soon. Anyway, by chance my roommate GG got a hold of some X and was wondering if me and my other roommate would like to partake. I had researched is extensively, of course, and came to the conclusion that it’s risky, but so is life by its very nature. I had him get a few for all of us and we decided to take them at 10:30.

At first, I was apprehensive. Of course I would be: X had a reputation as being impure and often cut with other substances. Was this a risk I wanted to take? What if I became sick? What if it was a concentrated dose of acid and I’d be propelled beyond my humane limits for “eternity?” These were all possibilities, but in the end I basically said “fuck it” and downed it. It was 10:28 at this time. I had read that the come up can take a long time, but that it can hit you like a brick wall. I was patient. My roommate, D, wasn’t. He was anxious to feel the effects and get into the groove. D was a bit of a character. I say with humility that D’s very insecure, very passionate about things, and yet was extremely cynical and almost socially threatening. He has an “new idea” every week which of course never comes to fruition. He’s the type of person that might “trip balls” on a placebo. He was ready for the effects. Me, I just put on some mellow music and waited……

….11:00. No real effects. 11:15. Nothing to note. Slight body buzz…becoming a bit more of a “sensualist.” By 11:20, D claimed to have been hit hard the effects (we both took at this point only one dose) and was your typical X personality: enjoying music, feeling open, calm….or at least was putting on a decent façade. I wasn’t really feeling it at all. GG came home from work rolling off of the dose he had taken and recommended some pot. “sure, man…” I said. GG is real generous with his weed. We smoke a badly rolled joint in our apartment. GG’s friend GE comes over and asks if I'm “tripping” yet. “Not really…though I do feel kinda good.” At about this time, I don’t know if it was the weed or the X that hit me…I should’ve been more scientific…but everything seemed to accelerate a bit. The gum in my mouth tasted very “vivid” and delicious. I started to feel euphoric, though it was pretty vague. I knew the X was hitting. My buddy GE recommends we go out for drive and feel some techno music. Make no doubt about it, the combination of electronic music, THC, and MDMA made for a really good time.

We get home and I thank GE for his generosity. At this point, I knew what it was that people were talking about….but at the same time was extremely disappointed. I couldn’t pinpoint it. The feeling was euphoric certainly. It was almost unreal. It was about 12:15 at this point, and I came to what I thought was a realization (and probably drug induced): ecstasy is the pinnacle of man at his most selfish. The man who looks at the drug on a surface level may say I’m crazy or that my stuff was bunk. He would claim “but don’t you feel absolutely GREAT on X?” and the answer is yes. I do feel great. More importantly, I feel a sense of satisfaction and deep fulfillment from something that wasn’t real; X is the ugliest happiness I’ve ever seen. It’s almost like a clown's face; you see the idea behind it, you see the virtue, but if fails. It’s a façade, a fake, nothing like real emotion. Humans are insufferable in the eyes of the divine. We are nothing. We are useless. Look around the world. Untold numbers feel the deepest of pain, grief, and sadness daily. These people are suffering just for being born in shit countries with corrupt governments and illicit dealings. They watch their children suffer, they watch their husbands or wives die. Man kills. Man rapes. Man steals. Man’s ego FEEDS off of power, and power is insatiable. Life is misery for so many, yet here I am with this “wonder” drug, feeling as though I’ve become what I’ve always hated; the hypocrite.

My roommate D was rolling pretty hard. He is one to become obsessed with things, and I feel he has little sense of self control. By the end of the night, he was becoming increasingly eccentric and aggressive. His emotions were ridiculously out of whack. He had taken appx 3 hits before the night was up, I could see it in him; his insecurity beamed at me. It was too much to handle. He was desperate for people to “roll” with him. He was interjecting into conversations he wasn’t invited into. He was desperate for validation. Everything I thought about X had been proven by his very existence almost. (Which isn’t to say that I think I’m “above” him. I just think it was so blatantly obvious that night.) He wasn’t “really” happy. He wasn’t “really” feeling love, warmth, happiness. These things don’t depend on constant reassurance and validation (much like the need to keep dosing to get effects off of X). They are intrinsic in their rewards; selflessness begets these things. We found them artificially without any effort or self-sacrifice on our parts.

There is too much in the world for us to sit idly. And it’s even worse when we think “damn….my air conditioner is broke” or “fuck…our cable is cut” and the answer is to feel artificially happy? With all this shit in the world? No.

Ecstasy is like seeing the most beautiful woman in the world, more beautiful than your imagination can handle, only to touch her and find out she is made of wax. X is nothing.

Exp Year: 2006	ExpID: 53074
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: Not Given
Published: Dec 7, 2020	Views: 977
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