DOSE:

smoked

Cannabis

(plant material)

BODY WEIGHT:

115 lb

I had smoked weed before. It wasn’t the first time, or the second, or the third. I had smoked plenty of times. Maybe I hadn’t smoked recently, in about lets say a month, but that was about it. No big deal?

A and I drove to meet up with her friend D so we could smoke. We park A’s car and go into D’s. We drive and drive and drive and are eventually in some dead end place near his friend’s house. We have some small talk, it's kind of weird we are in some random place, but I don't mind.

“Since you haven’t smoked in so long, you can take the first hit” D said to me. We were talking prior to arriving in this sketchy location about how A doesn’t really smoke anymore and how it’s been around a month for me. I take about 3 hits and pass. Comes back to me, I hit it again a couple of times. I start getting the shakes. I’m pretty high right now. D hands it to me and tells me I can finish it. I finish the blunt.

After a few minutes I feel kind of weird. I’ve never felt this way before. I couldn’t really explain it or identify it, I was beginning to forget who and where I was. A is in the passenger seat, D is in the drivers seat, while I’m in the back alone. They are having a conversation about college. I thought they had this conversation already before? That’s weird. I ignored it. They start talking about NYC, and clubs in the city. “I don’t really like how they play only house music.” Could’ve sworn that was already said before also…this was getting strange.

I looked at the time: 11:31. Looking at the clock at what seemed to be an hour ago, it was 11:30 then. How could only a minute pass when to me it had seemed like hours? My view of time was completely distorted. I felt as if my life was stopping. I was dying. Or dead. I didn’t know. The thoughts just would not stop at this point. I was starting to freak out.
“I really wanna leave”
“Yeah I know”

Yeah I know? She doesn’t know…why is she ignoring me? I felt like I asked her to leave hundreds of time, and she would blur and just say “yeah I know” and turn her head and slowly disappear then come back. She calls M. “(Me) is bugging out! Talk to her!” I talked to him for a second and said hi, I think, and then hung up. She wouldn’t stop laughing at me. I was telling her I had to go to the hospital and that I needed to get out of here. I was saying anything I could to try and get out. She was laughing, I guess I was some sort of entertainment. “I’m ruining my life” I said. “I just discovered the meaning of life ,” I said. They laughed. How is this funny?

I just discovered that all of this time since I was in elementary school, people were trying to look out for me. Telling me drugs are bad. I should’ve listened because I just ruined my life and now I am stuck here. My life was repeating itself and would not stop, I saw myself in an insane asylum sitting on the ground. Everyone was trying to understand me but couldn’t, just like now. I was trying to communicate to A but she would just stare at me. I now discovered why people are insane and are sent to insane asylums. It is because of drugs. The drug takes over the person and the person disappears. I was disappearing! The only way out of this was to kill myself. It was the strangest thing ever, it was like I had answered any question I had ever asked. I didn’t want to kill myself, but it seemed like the only way to “get out.”

I start freaking out, my life starts flashing before my eyes. I remember reading a quote once saying “Your life flashes before you when you die, so make it worth living.” Oh, my, god. I was dead. Every time I breathed in, time would change, I was sent in another dimension or some other place of reality. Every time I yawned, time would change. I was afraid of everything and anything because I was afraid my life was now passing me by. I kept thinking of quotes and music lyrics and how deep and true they are.

“Stuck in a moment and you can’t get out of it…” I was stuck in some distorted world I had created. I couldn’t get out. I then started thinking about movies. Movies aren’t fake, they are real. The butterfly effect is real and I am living it right now. I was afraid to do anything because I was afraid I’d be sent to another unfamiliar place. I didn’t want to die. I felt like I was dying.
“Drink water” A told me.
“No.”

I was paranoid. Like, incredibly. I thought you know what this is a game, and everyone here has already played this game before, and I’m new here. They are trying to trick me. I remember A telling me how much she hated drinking water, so why would she tell me to drink it? She was trying to trick me. I hate her. She’s playing some stupid game with me. This game in my mind continued. I thought A was the bad guy. I had to say no to everything she said.
“AJ says he has a pill that can make you feel better”
“I don’t believe you. You’re a liar”

Eventually I give in. I didn’t know what else to do. We go and meet up with AJ. Getting to his house felt like hours and hours, I kept checking the time. 11:54? I didn’t understand. I feel like I have been living in this nightmare for way too long. A gives me a powerbar, telling me I need to eat it with the pill so it works better. This sounded so dumb. I knew she was lying to me and trying to kill me. I told her I’m not taking it.

Once again, another side of me took over and agreed to take the pill. I didn’t feel any better. I felt the same. “Do you feel any better?” “No.”
“How are you feeling now?” “bad.”
“Are you ok?” “no.”

I felt like this was part of the game again. Oh no. please no. not again…

She asked me again how I was feeling, this time I felt like I had to lie. “I feel fine” I said. I was lying. I then thought of the movie “Liar Liar” and how he couldn’t lie. I then felt that I couldn’t lie either because I will die if I do. “I don’t feel fine” I said.

We went back to A’s house and she told me that if I slept I would feel better. I tried to lay down and rest but I couldn’t. Too many thoughts were going through my head. The night was starting to repeat again. Over and over. I thought we were dead. She was online looking at a social networking and looking at people’s pictures. I thought that we were dead and she was looking at these pictures to remind herself of people she misses. I thought of the quote “The good thing about pictures are they never change, only the people in them do.” I now felt like I was living in the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I was thinking that I once knew and loved so many people but had forgotten them.

I then got really really cold. Freezing. Shaking. A gave me a sweatshirt and we went back to my house. “What are you going to tell your mom?” “that I fell asleep at your house.” I felt like this was a whole game. That if I didn’t listen to A, if I told my mom I smoked and that I was scared, that I would die. It was as if I wasn’t me. I couldn’t control what I did. Others were controlling my decisions and my thoughts. The thoughts in my head would not stop.

I tried sleeping. I couldn’t. Too many thoughts. My heart was racing. I’m dying, I can’t believe it I’m dying. A texted me “are you ok?” I then started freaking out. Is A ok? Is she feeling the same thing as me? Oh my god she feels the same way. I kept texting her over and over again asking her if she was ok.

For some reason I thought earlier that night she told me M died. This was because, she said 'the same thing happened to M...' and I knew I was dead, I knew he was dead too. In bed, I text messaged him and said “hey are you up” meaning to ask if he was alive. He said, “yeah I’m half asleep what’s up” and I responded “wake up.” I didn’t want him to die. I then called Jared. It rang for what seemed like hours until I finally got to his voicemail. I didn’t leave a message. I sent him a text message asking him to call me when he got the text. This was at about 3:30 am. I had been trying to sleep but couldn’t and thought I should have a conversation with some people. He didn’t answer. I fell asleep for a bit, and woke up to my cell phone ringing at 5:30. it was Jared. No it wasn’t. it was another trick. I couldn’t answer the phone, I thought it was satan or something. I let it ring and my heart began to race faster.

I kept freaking myself out and did not know how to stop it. I thought everyone around me including myself was either dying or dead. I wanted to get out of wherever I was. I didn’t know where I was. Where am I? More importantly, who am I?

I decided to get out of bed since nothing good was coming out of it. I went to the computer. Mark IMs me saying he’s so drunk. Why would anyone drink? Why would anyone try to harm themselves like I did with a drug, he’s like “well I’m a really nice guy. You have to come see.” I was picking out only certain things he was saying. I was creating this false image in my mind that he was also in a state of being the same as mine. That he was in some other place. Barry then IMs me I have not spoken to in ages. He asks me if he can try to see if his webcam works. “I don’t have one, sorry…”

He wanted to try anyway. It starts up, and I start thinking of the movie white noise. Something bad was going to happen. I can’t do this. I didn’t touch a thing, the video connection was cancelled. I then thought I might as well say “bye” to everyone before I die. Because, if I go to bed, I’ll die right? So I shouldn’t sleep…right? I wanted to sleep but I was scared to death.

I then go upstairs, and try to sleep. This is enough. A calls me and is like “are you sleeping?” I felt like I had to lie again. Like it was some game. “Yeah,” I said. My life began repeating again. I’d get up, my right eye would twitch, I’d pee, have a sip of water, get back into bed, lay there for 20 minutes or less, and this would repeat. Thousands of times. I didn’t know what to do. My life won’t stop repeating itself. I was in hell. I was being tortured and had no clue how to get out. I then remember before Steve died he peed in his pants. I thought, maybe the only way for me to stop the cycle was for me to pee in my pants instead of the toilet. I couldn’t, I wanted to live. I was going in and out of reality way too fast…or way too slow… My distortion of time was freaking me out. I just wanted to wake up. I felt like it was a horrible dream. I thought I was living the movie SAW and someone wanted to play “a little game” with me. This was torture.

Somehow, I fell asleep. I woke up and talked to my mom. I felt as if she was a robot and I was creating a conversation in my mind. I felt like our thoughts were being controlled and I couldn’t say or feel certain things. This isn’t real, this life isn’t real. My mom isn’t really my mom. She is just another person in this stupid game. When she asked me certain things I’d shake my head or begin to cry.
“It’s ok to cry you’ll feel better.”
“No.”

Another lie. Why is everyone out to get me? We then went to my mom’s room to relax and watch movies. Every movie that came on was freaking me out. I was thinking way too into the movies. I believed they were real and were happening to me. Like in “Ground Hog Day” a man repeats the same day over and over. That was me. This is my life. I belong in an insane asylum because my life is repeating. I then had some xanax and now I am feeling much better. I think I smoked way too much. I will never smoke again. I don’t know if it was laced with whatever, or if I just reached a limit I shouldn’t have, but whatever the reason is I am staying away from weed for awhile. I never want to go back to that twisted world I was in.

Now, I am still paranoid about everything. As much as I hated this experience with the life of me because of it being the most frightening thing ever, I have a different perceptive of things. I value my life and want to live. I do not want to mess with any drugs any further. Sometimes, I think of this experience and think that I am actually dead. I mean, how do you know when you die? What if my parents and friends are mourning over me right now? I now think deeply into everything. Sometimes I think it wasn’t just weed. I never knew it had the power to do this to someone. My mentality and the way I think has completely changed, for better or for worse, I do not know.

Exp Year: 2006	ExpID: 55882
Gender: Female
Age at time of experience: Not Given
Published: Jun 14, 2007	Views: 5,767
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Cannabis (1) : Post Trip Problems (8), Difficult Experiences (5), Small Group (2-9) (17)