DOSE:

repeated

oral

Amphetamines

BODY WEIGHT:

115 lb

For the tl,dr (too long, didn't read) crowd: I am fucking up my life quietly but thouroughly with my adderall use. I also don't really care.

I love adderall. I just want anyone reading this to know that. I haven't gone more than two days without popping a little orange and white pill in over a month. It's pretty cheap in my school, only 2 dollars for a 25 mg capsule. I buy maybe 10 or 15 a week, I give about half, sometimes more, sometimes less, away to friends or I occasionally sell them. Most of my friends love it too, sadly I am the only one who regularly purchases it but even if they did get as many as me I would still be the one giving them out at lunch time.

Adderall makes me happy. If I go a couple days without, I'm noticeably less active. I'm somewhat emotionless. When I started taking it last year I'd get maybe one every two weeks, and I had plenty of 'days after'. Generally I'm not a very emotional or sensitive person. Okay really, not at all, but on days after I frequently broke out crying. In school, at home, in conversations, if I was sad I'd cry. Now I'm barely fazed. Of course most of the time the buzz isn't as great, but that's only if I had popped one within 12 hours before and hadn't slept between the two. It makes my arms tingle, it makes me speak my mind (a little too frequent, if I'm with a sober kid I have to remind myself to stop talking) and frankly it makes my mind better. I am generous and I love everyone when I'm tweaking.

It also has made me lose 40 lbs total since last September. There was excersise involved but I wouldn't have been excersing if I hadn't popped an adderall. I once went on an adderall binge for 13 days exactly, about 9 months ago. I lost 25 lbs. I could not physically gain that weight back, partly cause I was still popping every coupla days, partly cause I wasn't really involved in life. Adderall makes food taste like ash, and feel like lead in my stomach.

It has destroyed my memory. Right now, my memory of two days ago is just a little bit worse than of those three months I spent smoking a total of over 20 bowls a day, even during school (I've never cut class), but there's lunch so that's okay. I compulsively clench my jaw. Apparently thats called bruxism. If I'm sober and my jaw is relaxed, it will still ache. But if I'm tweaking the pain doesn't matter. I also compulsively stretch. I can put my chin on my knees with straight legs, but ask me to stop and I'll make you wait until I finish every muscle.

If I am tweaking, I am smoking a ciggarette. If I am in class tweaking, then I am probably that kid who answers all the questions and makes the best observations. If I'm listening to a song, I will turn it off, go to class, and have just that last song stuck in my head. I will hum, occasional add a lyric or a little dance, I can't help it.

I have more close friends than ever. Most of them like the tweaking me more. I'm just happier and more talkitive. I also give them plenty pills too, that might help.

If I could go back to that first little white and orange on that first offered palm, who knows. Maybe I'd take it, maybe I'd resist. Maybe I'd flip a quarter. I tell myself to stop, I bargain over days without and how many I can take. I make promises then break them five minutes later by popping a pill and going crazy.

Last week, I scratched my skin off my ankle it was itching so bad. No mosquito bite, no rash. Now I know that itchyness is a reported side effect of adderall. A couple days after that I gave someone a dollar for a half finished cig. They wanted it cause it was their last and their first of the day. I wanted it because I was tweaking my ass off. Today I gave an adderall to a kid who takes MAOIs twice a day. Right now I know that could be fatal. Maybe an hour ago I realized that I am fucking up my life with all my completed homeworks, my class participation, my chores.

Right now, all I want to do is forget about the teeth, the cigs, the sore muscles, the cost, the over reactions, the excess thinking, and my slowly unraveling mind and memory. And go pop a little orange and white beauty.

I think I'm gonna go do that now. Peace.

Exp Year: 2005	ExpID: 56445
Gender: Female
Age at time of experience: Not Given
Published: Jun 4, 2009	Views: 52,278
[ View PDF (to print) ] [ View LaTeX (for geeks) ] [ Swap Dark/Light ]
Amphetamines (6) : Addiction & Habituation (10), Performance Enhancement (50), Multi-Day Experience (13), Retrospective / Summary (11), Not Applicable (38)