DOSE:

smoked

Cannabis

BODY WEIGHT:

195 lb

I've been sitting here trying to think of what to say. I've decided to share a journal that I wrote earlier today. When I wrote it I had no intention of sharing it with anyone. I journal all the time. I also want to precede this journal by saying that I am now 27, I was once a 'drug experimenter', and have experienced full blown addiction at various times in my life. This journal certainly sums up where I'm at with life today. I will not edit or alter it in any way except to change the names of places. So here it is:

I slept in again today - this time until 4:30. I'm tired of living this way. I got stoned within an hour and enjoyed it at first, but now I'm bored again. I don't feel like playing video games now, watching TV, or going on-line. I don't really know what to do with myself now.

Life wasn't so bad working at the corner store. Now I have to find another job, because I'm truly bored with unemployment. At least with a job life has more meaning. I'm struggling to find meaning within.

My outer reality is a blend of occasional fun and distraction, but also isn't good enough to satisfy me. Once I cycle through my available options of video games, internet, and television I feel really restless. That's why I'm writing now. I also just now decided to go for a walk later. I won't even toke or bring any music with me. I can just walk to get fresh air and try to relieve some of this tension.

I can say right now that I will also begin to feel a bit better by being up during the day and looking for work rather than avoiding life by sleeping in until 4.

The idea of going back to where I lived recently provides something good to focus on and it's something to look forward to. But I need to find more peace, freedom, and happiness here in the present. I need to begin to go within myself now and each day, more and more. Chasing after a better future practically ensures that I'll always be chasing after a better future. If I believe that some future reality holds what I'm looking for NOW than what's the point of NOW?

My deepest dream is not to have the best job, the best wife and family, the most money, and all those other outer symbols of 'success' and 'happiness.' My deepest dream is to live with a true, lasting sense of peace, happiness, freedom, and connection with my soul and other souls. To be free of my limited thinking, my limited way of being that involves so much fear, dissatisfaction, anger, boredom, confusion, and occasional hopelessness. To shed this inability to fully appreciate life. To shed my 'masks.' To be authentic and to feel satisfied within THIS moment, each moment. To be free of addiction and to KNOW and experience a happiness that is truer than what addiction offers. Addiction is a slavery to myself. Addiction is proof of pain. I dream of living a meaningful outer experience while not betraying my inner world. Working at a job that is more joy than burden. To realize the freedom that I've always believed in but have yet to live. To actually love other people instead of judging them. To have habits and behaviors that do not betray me or hold me back. To forgive the past, and to stop clinging to memories of happiness in exchange for accepting the present and experiencing happiness today.'

That is the end of my journal. All I can say is that the happiness that I'm searching for in drugs is not to be found there. Pot always shows me the appearance of happiness, of these things that I long for, but these dreams will never materialize if I need pot to dream them. It also won't be found in all the ideas that my 'mundane' conditioned mind comes up with (conditioned by my past and my surroundings, and all the messages that I receive daily). This conditioned mind will not deliver to me what it is that I am searching for. There is no perfect mate, never enough money, or enough of anything until I go within and truly let go of ALL pain and discover inner peace.

You don't have to agree with me, this is all that I really feel like saying though after my 27 years of life on this planet. I also don't pretend to think that any of this is easy, and for me it's still just a desire, I don't live this way either. Thanks for reading this. Peace and love to all.

Exp Year: 2007	ExpID: 68398
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: Not Given
Published: Feb 3, 2017	Views: 2,060
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Cannabis (1) : Addiction & Habituation (10), Retrospective / Summary (11), Alone (16)