DOSE:

repeated

Hydrocodone

BODY WEIGHT:

135 lb

It's 5am. I can't sleep. Can't eat. I have an incredible itch that cannot be reached. It's the opiate itch. And I have none (opiates).

The sweats, chills, insufferable headache, joint pains, back pain. The nausea, diarrhea, cramps and the feeling my gut is rotting right out of you. But that's just the illness, and I would live 100 days with it, for the opiates. The worst is the itch. I cannot reach it, I can't roll over and over in bed to relinquish it. My nerves are firing and no matter what I do, I cannot get comfortable. These things are horrible, but that's not all that comes with the itch. It's the neverending, mindnumbing boredom that eats at my soul. Time ticks by second by second, and I can actually feel the tick in my arms and legs as an itch. One firing itch that is at the center of me.

it is all consuming for me. My mind only has some relief when I plot and plan on how to get more. I dream of pills raining from the sky and scooping them into giant burlap sacks and truck beds, and thinking now it's going to be okay from now on. I'll never want again. Instead I lower myself. I beg, I steal, I lie. Anything for it. Oh and trust me I've tried to quit. This last time I tried to quit. After the withdrawals, the insomnia, stomachaches, comes a fate even worse, and it takes awhile. Just long enough to torture me. Four days, and I have given less and less thought to those pills. I started to smile, get up, work on my house, care for my son...then it happened three days ago. That itch. It starts slowly, but by the end of the day I'd strangle someone for a high. So, naturally I take whatever else I can get. Alcohol, lots and lots of alcohol. Barbs, valium, and xanax. It was okay at first, but now they don't put me asleep anymore. Now the itch is intense and the boredom and apathy are consuming me.

I've actually planned my suicide. I know where, and how, it's just a matter of when. I've tried three times now, and maybe this will be the last. I'm not doing it just because of the drugs. Those drugs have made me feel better about myself than anyone or anything else has ever had. I love them. But I can't keep running this race. I am so tired.

Exp Year: 2008	ExpID: 72930
Gender: Female
Age at time of experience: Not Given
Published: Nov 12, 2015	Views: 1,950
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Hydrocodone (111) : Retrospective / Summary (11), Various (28)