DOSE: T+ 0:00	repeated	smoked	Cannabis
T+ 0:00	1 tablet	oral	MDMA
T+ 0:00	2 tablets	insufflated	MDMA	(ground / crushed)
T+ 24:00	repeated	smoked	Cannabis
T+ 24:00	1 tablet	oral	MDMA
T+ 48:00	repeated	smoked	Cannabis
T+ 72:00	repeated	smoked	Cannabis

BODY WEIGHT:

58 kg

Reality Is What We Make of It / 5 Days Paranoia

During my previous experience with drugs I have never experienced true paranoia. I have started smoking weed about 8 years ago, more so in the past two years, on a weekly basis. I have had a six month experience with DXM, as I took it every couple of days. Also, I took mushrooms, LSD and MDMA, but almost all of my experiences were positive, even the bad trip on shrooms which induced in me a feeling of death. Well, this time I didn't do so well.

For the sake of the story, I shall name my two friends Ash and Ben. A while ago I went to London to visit Ash. Ben was also staying in London so he joined in the fun. We had a whole lot of skunk and about 15 ecstasy pills, and a whole week in front of us. You need to know I was good friends with Ben, and hoping to connect with Ash. The thing is I had a lot of trust in both of them, but was feeling quite anxious about going there all by myself.

The first day I took 3 ecstasy pills, one orally and the other two by snorting them. Also, we smoked an incredible amount of skunk - about 7 or 8 joints. The first day passed by quite well, we walked around London, listened to stories and so on. The second day I took one more ecstasy pill and again, smoked a whole lot of skunk. When evening came we were in Ben's room, laughing and making fun of each other. His room was quite small, with a circular window covered by red drapes. Also, the lighting was an awful yellow - I believe this details are also important for my bad trip, because the paranoia began right there.

We had reached the point where we couldn't understand each other, but we kept mumbling out stuff. I was sitting in the bed, in between Ash and Ben and I was trying to make some sense of what we're saying. From this point forward my reality completely changed. I started to 'understand' everything they were saying - and it was all bad stuff against me. Every mumble turned - in my head - in a conspiracy against me. It was as if Ash and Ben were making fun of me. I heard awful things, starting with 'she is such a slut' right to 'we could kill her'. In reality, Ben was almost asleep and Ash wasn't even able to say his name right. But in my mind they were both against me, plotting and making fun. Then I did the only thing I could imagine - told them what was happening to me. On a level I had sufficient trust in them to realize I was experiencing paranoia and sufficient psychiatry knowledge to know it was going to get worse. Unfortunately, they didn't realize right away I was heading towards the worst trip of my life. They tried to reassure me everything was all right, as much as they could. I continued to hear their voices, although they were not talking. I started believing I could hear their thoughts. Don't get me wrong, part of me knew it was all in my head. But part of me was actually believing the insane story. when one of them said something, I immediately asked what they meant by that. Every sentence took the worst possible meaning in my head. I was able to link every word to something bad. I had an awful feeling of being closed in - it was late at night, there was nowhere to leave. After a few hours I was able to control the paranoia long enough to fall asleep.

The second day we walked around London. Smoked some weed in the morning and headed for Camden town. Ash and Ben were convinced everything is ok, but I still had the idea of paranoia in the back of my head. During the day we continued smoking, and in the evening we went back to Ash's place and starting playing 3-way chess. God, that game can really mess you up. A couple of people came around - I didn't know them and that's when paranoia kicked in again. My brain twisted everything everyone said into something horrible. Again, everyone was against me - at least that's what I was thinking. I've noticed it was harder and harder to control it. while Ash and Ben were talking to the two guys I went to another room, thinking it would help. It didn't. The fact I was only half hearing what they said made it worse. After the two guys left I tried to sleep, but couldn't. I was practically afraid for my life, actually thinking Ash and Ben were conspiring against me. Odd thing is I felt safer when I was around them, 'keeping them under observation', so to say. To this day, I don't know how bad they've must have felt.

The next two days went by about the same, with my paranoia growing. I was trying to control it as much as possible, but it was getting impossible. I was hearing voices on the street, in my head everyone was talking about me, everyone was looking at me in a strange way. I have to mention the fact I kept smoking a whole lot of weed - basically that was all we did, and took one more MDMA pill.

The fifth day something happened, something I don't know how to explain. We were at home, it was evening, and we were playing 3 way chess, stoned as hell. All of a sudden, I started hearing them talking, as clear as possible - talking about me, making fun of me, and I was sitting right there! Again, it was all in my head, but my brain turned every phrase into the most horrible truth. I stood up and went to the couch, unable to speak. At this point I wasn't even trying to control the paranoia, I had sunk into it. They were giggling about some stupid stuff, and that made it so much worse. I started crying, they didn't notice it and continued to amuse themselves - you know, like boys do. I can't even begin to describe what was going on in my head. It felt as if my entire image on my friends was based on a lie. I felt as if I had lost all trust in human kind, and was feeling that almost as a physical pain. My head was filled with voices and reinterpretation of what they were saying. This next scene I can't completely explain. I stood up, went to the kitchen counter, took a knife and tried to cut my wrist. I know how this sounds. Understand I have never had suicidal tendencies, not even as a teenager, I have a strong personality and a giant ego, and what I did was completely unlike me. I don't remember what happened next, but when I came around I was sitting on the floor, Ash was next to me, looking incredibly scared and Ben was standing up, trying to understand what happened.

I started to yell at them, asking how they could have been so cruel and so mean. I was hysterical. I begun ranting for a while, on how I've lost my trust in them and so on - I think that was the point where my paranoia peaked. The cut on my wrist was ugly, but not bad enough to endanger my life. They weren't able to say anything, they were in shock of what had happened. I moved to the couch and continued to rant. Ash sat in front of me and tried to calm me down - and trust me, it's pretty hard for a stoned person to calm down someone on a paranoia trip. Ben was overwhelmed by the situation and went to another room. I think what helped the most was the fact Ash had also experienced paranoia, actual paranoia, after his ketamine abuse. He talked and talked to me, until my mind began to relax and I was able to take control over the paranoia. Eventually I went to sleep.

The next day I was feeling better, but had to make an effort not to slip into paranoia. We've all talked about what happened over and over again, and looking back it scares me to acknowledge the person I had become. I've arrived to a few conclusions:
1. I had such a bad trip because I have a big ego, which would rather allow me to become pathologically paranoid than to admit I can be paranoid.
2. The MDMA was probably spiked with ketamine, otherwise I cannot explain the effects.
3. I was stupid for doing such much weed abuse, especially after realizing I was paranoid.
4. The best decision I made was telling them from the beginning I'm having a bad trip.
5. Mind can overtake reality in the flash of a second.

Almost two weeks have passed from that experience. I don't know if I'll ever come to terms with what happened. I'm still getting paranoid moments, rare, but definitely there. I have to make an effort to get past them. I feel I have to have a more humble attitude, and get down from my high horse.

Exp Year: 2008	ExpID: 74209
Gender: Female
Age at time of experience: Not Given
Published: Feb 4, 2022	Views: 1,305
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Cannabis (1), MDMA (3) : Combinations (3), Multi-Day Experience (13), Bad Trips (6), Small Group (2-9) (17)