DOSE:	.5 lines	insufflated	Ketamine	(powder / crystals)
	.5 lines	insufflated	Ketamine	(powder / crystals)

BODY WEIGHT:

60 kg

It begins at what time I do not exactly remember, approximately 11pm. It is more for an experiment to access the influence of Ketamine under different situation (apart from the horrible experiment last Friday). Since I was aware of the consequence of the drug, preparation was necessary in advance. Any sharp object was removed from reachable distance, music was set for evaluate the visual and any attached sensation (in this case the music was from Fairmont :9). As I did not have any weighing equipment, so I had no knowledge of the amount of Ketamine I intake. I made one thick line at first, and then I believed the dose was too much, I divided it in half.
After I sniff the first line, I lie down on my chair and let the feeling invade my sensation. (PS: I intake very little amount of Ketamine orally as well) In the beginning the feeling was rather unpleasant. The inner part of my nose felt burning and paralyzed. Just at the moment I felt the dosage was not enough, I start to realize I was in different state. A floating feeling started to appear in my veins, and slightly it went through my whole body. The air felt like it was made of silk, so smooth and mild, flowing slowly inside my lungs. The texture is amazing, creamy but not greasy.

I could not distinguish whether my body did not want to follow the command of my brain, or was it because the command from my brain was not persuasive enough. My limbs were stiff and frozen. I could not move my fingers (or I do not really want to move them?) My eyes were closed, the lamp on the ceiling shone through my eye lids, the brightness seemed adjusted in a fast speed, until it reach the highest volume like when a star explodes. The 'episode' part of my brain might be under the influence of Ketamine. I had ambiguous acknowledgement of time and speed. I tried to close my eyes in order not to disturb my trip. Music had little or no visuals in the beginning. The beat did not seem to be touchable even under my hallucination. However the tunes of music did gave a lift to my experience after a short period. I forgot I was in my own room, the feeling of my own space was extended to unlimited, not universe, but endless white world. I felt that my body was melting, but not into liquid, to explain it clearly, it was more like melting liquid in a physical movable plastic. I was not flying according to my sensation, however clearly I was not aware I sat on my chair, it was more like I sat inside a globe theater, and observed how visuals changed around me.

My visual was not strong like under the influence of other hallucinogen drug, it was rather black and white, simple but artistic. Spiral shaped ink was splashing like wings in my white 'globe'. As if black ink wanted to dissolve into white ink. It formed a line, a triangle, irregular shape, spinning around me and dropped down to the South Pole. Suddenly darkness overwhelmed me, only left one string of whiteness attached to the top. A sense of insecurity attacked me in waves. I had no feeling of the boundary of my body, I had no sense of where I was, as if all my sense was blocked totally. Time and space did not matter any more. There is no outside world, there is no physical object whatsoever in my own 'globe' anymore. I could not explain why I felt so insecure. Was it because I feel I was totally separated from my real, physical human being? Was it because of the feeling of losing control? Was it because I was alone? The door was locked why did I feel so unsafe? Is this the ultimate inner state of my mind? Insecurity? My mind was clear, was conscious, but it did not help me in any means. I could not command any part of my body.

I feel frightened what if my thoughts can never go back to my physical brain? What if I will be left alone in this simulation, hallucination world? I remember my toe was attached to the wall, is the wall still there? Why can't I feel it? Total space disappearance. I lost my sense of time. The time was not stopped but ticked second by second in a stabilized world.

Since the feeling of insecurity disturbed my trip, and I gained some control power back to my brain, I command my eyes to open and look at the watch. I did not feel like a century was passed, but I had no SENSE of TIME. I start to wondering if this is possible? Did I forgot it's a 4 dimension world and time is such an objective issue? I saw the watch, 15 minutes passed. I thought it was longer? I start to drag back all my sensations back to this little room, I was still in my chair, I was still who I am. The effect of Ketamine was not totally gone. I felt I was at 45%. I still could not command my body fully, but I was worried about my heart beat, as I started to breath hard, as if I totally forgot to breath in the past 15 minute. My chest was moving up and down so dramatically inhaling air. I tried to check my heart beat by pressing on my left pulse, but nothing was there. I was aware that an anesthetic/seductive drug like Ketamine will reduce sensation, so I did not know if I pressed too hard on my pulse, sensation had decreased to such a low level that I had to be careful.

An idea popped up in my mind, should I cut myself to see how much pain I can feel? Was I under the influence of analgesia? But quickly I kill this thought as I was still rational enough to not do this harmful activity. The drug loosened its effect more and more, the first thing I realized was that I should dispose of the rest of my bag of Ketamine, approximately enough dosage for 2 thick lines. I knew I need to control myself not to psychologically rely on this, I was afraid I'm going to take this again this week and my logic told me this is totally wrong. There was a hard struggle in my brain ¨C you should keep it, you can control yourself. C you should dispose of it in toilet to force yourself not to do it again'. My rational mind won. I picked up the bag, trying to walk to toilet, but I just fell on the ground. It is difficult to control my balance. My eyes could not move at all, I stared at the bag of Ketamine, knowing what I should do but just not able to command my physical body to do so. I went back to my chair. I did not dare to close my eyes again, I did not want the insecurity feeling eating me again. I decided to keep my eyes open. The shelf extended its shape, it became so long and distorted to a wavy, stretchable material. My eye sight was blurred, the whole shelf just look wooden color and black color in my white 3 dimensional world. I could not recognize what it is anymore, I went back to my white globe where no boundary of space existed. I lost myself again and I lost this part of my memory.

When the effect of the first line passed away, I collected my consciousness and there is one thing very clear to me, I needed to dispose of the rest of my bag of Ketamine. I went to the toilet, when passing by the mirror, I did not dare to look at myself, did I change to a different person that I probably would not recognize? It is just too frightening to face the reality. But I was too curious, surprisingly, I still looked the same! It is soo easy to understand this now, but back to that mind state, this could be a lifetime nightmare.

Back to my chair, I decided to take the half line left on the table and experience it in a relatively more safe place: my bed. I sniffed it with my left nostril (the right one was too sensitive to take more). I brought my mp3 and earphone (stand up and reaching the shelf seems like climbing a mountain for me). After turning off the light, I lay down in my bed. I thought it would not work again just like Friday night, but luckily (unluckily ?) it worked again. This time is even more intense. As I lost part of this memory I can not exactly describe the visual, but I clearly remember the feeling - I was experiencing the beginning of schizophrenia, but my rational part of my brain was much stronger and logical which prevents me from going unconscious. I always try to control myself not to think too deeply about my inner mind, because I am always too afraid to discover something thrilling hidden in that black cabin. But Ketamine tried to dig myself out, tried to expose my hidden personality under naked examination.

I only remember I started to think of my life, future, what kind of person I want to be. Some part of me told me she just wants to stay like this, in this paralyzed state forever, in this simulation world without time, space, any physical existence. Outside in the real world there is too much to worry about, too many things to consider, to control, this just makes me tired and wanting to escape. For one second, death came into my mind. It was obvious I did not feel my body anymore, emptiness swallowed me. There is no physical existence whatsoever, only left is my thought, my brain's electric wave in my own universe. Am I dead already? Should I just die and escape from all the responsibility I have towards the society, towards myself? Why maintain my body? Where am I from and what mission do I possess? Life is nothing more than a blink of an eye, why we need to struggle? I do not want to hide in my little shell but there is a storm of consequences one inch away from it. I'm tired of my routine life, I'm tired of a future designed by others, but reality forces me to do so, because I have already been brainwashed by it to follow the social norms and values. I can break through but I'm uncertain whether I can endure the outcome. I'm scared of myself.

Right at this moment my rational 'she' told me I have a life ahead of me, it is more meaningful to accomplish something than escape from it. I tried to make this thought stronger, as I felt I might be out of control if I stayed in this mind state any longer. I try to control my thought not to think of life, but an accepted, monogram value which will bring me back to reality. I could not find a better one but think of how I love my parents. Maybe this is the only thing which can keep me conscious and rational. I try to shout this out, maybe my own voice will pull me back to reality, but my lips were frozen, my eyes stared at the ceiling, but I know I'm safe, I managed to control myself from schizophrenia.

I opened my eyes, turned off the music which I knew would bring me to deeper evaluation which I do not want. The curtain was not fully closed, light flowed inside my room like unknown creatures walking on the ceiling. Is it real or is it hallucination? the color of the light changed to colorful, irregular shapes, as if they are watching me. I'm totally paralyzed in my own bed. Oh am I still in my own bed? I thought I was in outer space. I captured back the notion of time and space. Watching a light movie in my own room theater, as if the galaxy just shows its mercy and gives me a chance to have a glimpse of its secret motion. All kinds of sensation like a river washed my body, amazing, frightening, hypnotizing!­ I was immobile and I drop my walls from everything.

After, I don't know how long, I am back to my reality, the wind was blowing so hard outside as if it is the last day. I knew in the past 1-2 hours my mind was shaking hard just like the storm, it almost rocked some fundamental belief of myself. But proudly I was able to control myself and had a great experience. I am back to myself again.

Exp Year: 2009	ExpID: 77765
Gender: Female
Age at time of experience: Not Given
Published: Sep 22, 2010	Views: 7,703
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Ketamine (31) : Alone (16), General (1)