DOSE:

repeated

inhaled

Nitrous Oxide

(gas)

BODY WEIGHT:

58 kg

I began using Nitrous Oxide last year after watching some friends do it. I had tried it once before a few years back however did not have my own cracker so never cared for it.

Last year we bought our own Nangorator – Cream Whipper. Nangs became a weekend routine. The initial experience lead to the deepening of my voice which seemed funny when trying to talk. Then the visuals began to happen, just slight pixilation of the objects in front of me. I would usually attempt to top myself up with Vit B after it as I was told that Nitrous Oxide leaves you lacking in this.

I use other substances also. I would normally use pills and speed on weekends with the odd mid-week binge.

With Nangs however, I began to notice a deterioration in my health afterwards. Especially becoming more susceptible to colds and viruses.

I had cut down my use, however recently I went on a 170 Nang binge. During this binge, I could bring myself to the point where I would pass out. Recurring themes began to take place during my ‘blackouts’ and with each Nang, I would see the next chapter of the story unfold.

The first few blackouts usually involved something comical… like Imagining that I had farted in front of a group of people and it was rather funny.

The blackouts would then switch to the next chapter where I would see the beauty in the world around me and believed that Nangs were trying to help me see the chapters in my life and where it was all heading. I would imagine scenarios that involved my current physical environment and incorporate imagined audio such as people being in the room with me talking (even though they were not) and music. It all seemed fun and beautiful.

The blackouts then took me to a place where I believed that I was actually on the search for the Meaning of Life. This is when the Nangs began to take a hold on me. I wanted to know what it was about. I wanted to see what the meaning was. This is when I went into my crazy binge.
One night after being on mushrooms, I had 17 x 10pk boxes.
I started with, 'I will just have one box'. Before I knew it, it was 6am and I was lying there with empty canisters surrounding me and I had gone through all 170!
I didn’t feel drained, mentally or physically exhausted.

I tried to remember each step of my binge, trying different ways to inhale the Nos. Whether it was straight from the canister, as much as my lungs could take. Or from a balloon, breathing in and out until I blacked out.

I realised that during this, my eyes would either begin to fall to the left, just before I would black out. I began to believe that if they went to the left, I was damaging my brain too much, and if they went to the right, I was damaging my heart and body... both through lack of oxygen.

The chapters of the stories would repeat themselves up until the next chapter, then as I would come out of the trance, they would play in reverse almost like they were reminding me of all the good things going on in my life.

Last week I was on a box of ten. Somehow this had taken me to a chapter in my ‘Nang Story’ that would lead me into the dark side of Nos use. The initial Nangs left me giggling as I came to with my imagination enjoying the experience and placing me in a happy place.

Then one Nang took me to another place. The theme focussed around the number 4 and somehow 2012 became a key feature. I was raised religious and believing in Armageddon and the end of the world, and lead to believe that it could happen around 2014 from my calculations and from what I had been taught. I was also taught that god built the world in 7 days (these numbers have meaning later on). Recently, the whole 2012 prophecy talk has entered my social circle. Therefore I have become slightly concerned with the fact that the end of the world may be imminent (it has always played on my mind since leaving the religion I grew up with).

The number 4 became significant as it seemed to be a sign to me of the damage I was doing to my brain and out of a score card of 7, I was getting pretty close to doing some irreversible damage. During the Nang, as I would come out, the theme then began to focus on who invented Nangs and what they were trying to do. My mind began believing that it was a game between God and Satan. That the Devil had it created to see how many people he could entice with it. I found myself battling with light and dark. Everything I would see from that chapter forward would have light-filled scenes, followed by dark scenes and vice versa.

Last week I snapped out of my nang, shot up and stared at a skull and cross bones t-shirt staring at me (the 5th in a line of 7 of my favourite t-shirts)… on the left side of that t-shirt were t-shirts that reminded me of happier times in my life. The next two on the right were darker t-shirts. I thought that I had now upped the level of damage to myself and reached 5, which was now the point of no return and was rapidly on its way to 7.

The sounds I kept hearing from the tv and people in the background said: Help, When you see a friend Dying, Spinal Injury, It will do damage to both (heart and brain) and Don’t let go of what you have got.
I felt I had slipped to the dark side and burst instantly to tears thinking of all the people I love and who would be hurt most by what I had done to myself. How could I tell my family I was brain damaged or becoming more stupid for a quick fix of fun? Where would my life head now. What if I stopped breathing and didn’t know it and here I am lying here surrounded by nangs.

But I also thought that it was just my mind being overactive and that drugs would not give you warning signs when you are close to really harming yourself!

I cried but then had another nang, almost as though being enticed by the devil to continue my transition to the dark side. I recall waking from this nang feeling as though God was trying to pull me back from the devil and death and showing me that I could still drop back to level 4 if I stopped now. It was like being stuck in that middle ground, between heaven and hell, happiness and fear. Wanting to do the right thing and stop but being so curious I wanted more!

Somehow I went through every chapter of my Nang experience on the way to my blackout and then in reverse as I came to. Physically, I somehow found my body to be moving as though I was trying to remember the joy of having really good sex (Thank god no one was around to see me!). I remember wondering what the hell is going on.
After this I stopped for the night.

Last night I think I not only crossed the line of doing excessive damage to my brain, but I also feel as though the devil has the rights to my afterlife. It almost felt that my brain was leaking from the left side, or it has swelled and my hearing is not as sharp as it was. I felt my eyes wander too far to the left and had images of people I had seen using Nos and watching their reaction and which way their eyes went. And then the most awful thing occurred.

I felt that I had stared death in the face and that I had seen my killer. I remember at that exact moment hearing something on TV say ‘staring your killer in the face’ and at that point I believed that I was now on a downward spiral to my death and that too much Nos had done it! I then saw Beavis and Butthead… blonde and black hair... light and dark standing side by side. There was a bar indicating the level of light and dark at the bottom and I watched the pointer slowly move from the light side into the dark and felt that I was now on the path to dying and my soul was sold to the devil as he had enticed me and he had won by making my curiosity for the meaning of life go too far.

I then felt that everything I had done to stay in the light had gone and I am now going to spend the rest of my life in the black until I die and that the amount of damage I have done to my brain (the Devil got me by damaging my brain instead of my heart – either way he won) is not reversible.

I panicked at this point and ran outside and prayed to Jehovah, the God I grew up knowing. I stood there crying and praying hoping that I would not die at that moment, fearing my body and mind were about to shut down. Do I still have time to save my soul? Is this God’s way of testing your faith. As only in your time of need and fear will you pray to your God, but is it at that point where it is too late? Like all fools?

Today I still feel as though I have done some damage with my left side of my head feeling spacey. I don’t know what to do from here, I know that I need to stop Nos because it did become addictive and intriguing. But it seemed as though it had showed me warnings throughout and my need to know more has ultimately overridden all the good things I had going for me and I am now left with this feeling that I am screwed both mentally and spiritually.

Before this moment, I could not remember all the little chapters that would flash by me in my Nang experiences however I had a brief idea. However the last image I saw of Beavis and Butthead sticks in my mind clearly and so does the skull and crossbones!

I had to write this down. It may not make sense to you. It may not make sense in the early stages of using it, but it seems to make sense now and my quest to find the meaning of life … was all just a hidden catch created by Satan to bring me to where I am now. In a dark place not knowing what my future is, but being scared that there is none!

So people will now probably think I am crazy for these thoughts, but I wasn’t this crazy before that moment and maybe this is part of the damage I have done now.
For a few minutes of pleasure, it may possibly lead to a lifetime of agony.

Exp Year: 2009	ExpID: 81745
Gender: Female
Age at time of experience: 29
Published: Dec 28, 2015	Views: 8,994
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Nitrous Oxide (40) : Addiction & Habituation (10), General (1), Alone (16)