DOSE:

0.5 tablets

oral

MDMA

BODY WEIGHT:

130 lb

At the time of this trip, I had used MDMA about 15-20 times over the course of a year, the first time at a music festival in May 2009. Although most of my friends who had tried it had the most fun dancing or in a public setting, I found tripping with MDMA the most enjoyable in a relaxed setting with a few close friends or my girlfriend. I had never had anything even close to bordering on a 'bad trip', all of my experiences had been enjoyable, sometimes very spiritual experiences which helped me connect with myself and those around me.

I was at a friend's apartment which he had just moved into a few weeks earlier, and I had only been there twice before, so the space I was in was still somewhat unfamiliar to me. I was with my girlfriend, her female friend who I've also known for years, and my male friend who lived at the apartment. I knew the plan was to take MDMA but I wasn't sure I was really in the mood, but peer pressure and a feeling of not wanting to miss out prompted me to take a half hit, but everyone else took entire pills. Ironically, I got the highest I ever have from MDMA that night and my friends did not seem to get as far out as I did with it. I hadn't eaten much that day, that's the only reason I can think of for why this happened.

Usually MDMA would take about a half hour to fully kick in for me, but I was peaking less than 15 minutes after taking it. I was sitting on the floor when I started to feel what felt like an immense pressure on my head from all angles. After a few minutes this uncomfortable feeling ceased and I was hallucinating the room 'breathing' heavily, something that usually only happened to me when on psychedelics like mushrooms or LSD. I started laughing and felt extremely positive, but everyone else seemed awkward and uncomfortable around me. This became a central theme of the night, the higher I got and the more I wanted to connect with my friends the more they would ignore me or try and get away from me. At the most intense peaks even my girlfriend would not make eye contact with me.

I started talking to my friends about their spiritual beliefs, and found out that everyone in the room believed in some version of God and this surprised me as our group of friends tend to cleave more towards the atheist view of things. This excited me and I started to talk about my thoughts, all brought on by psychedelic drug use, about mind control and the concept of demonic possession. At the time I was fully convinced it was real and was the main reason for most of our suffering, that we all have evil spirits living in our minds which keep us from attaining true happiness and make us feel bad about ourselves.

As the night went on I began to think about this concept even more deeply. I was seeing drifting shadows on the wall which I was convinced were my demons stalking me, trying to get back inside my head because my positivity had forced them out. When they would get close, my vision would start to shake violently, as if someone or something was attempting to put the veil in front of my eyes again. I realized I was at that moment totally enlightened and as innocent as Adam and Eve before eating the apple, or felt like that anyways.

After a few minutes in this state I realized my body had never felt so GOOD before. I started repeating to myself 'pain is an illusion, pain is an illusion' like a mantra, making everyone else in the room extremely uncomfortable. I asked my girlfriend very seriously to punch me in the face, as I knew I would not feel it. She didn't want to but I insisted, and finally after bugging her for a while she hit me, once in the stomach, and after more pleading from me, once in the face. Neither of them hurt in the slightest, instead they just felt like a slight amount of pressure. She said she was kind of annoyed with me and actually hit me as hard as she could, but the next day there were no bruises or pain. I really felt like my state of my mind at the time completely deflected any injury that might have occurred, and I still believe that part, at least.

However, what goes up, must come down, and about 2 hours after taking it I started to come down, and following what was one of the best feelings of my life was immediately followed by what was certainly one of the worst. It was as if my mood had completely contrasted, I felt exactly the opposite of how I did at the beginning of the night. I began to feel nauseous and self conscious, already feeling ashamed and awkward about the things I had said earlier, deeply worried about what people would say later and the impressions I might have left on my friends. On cue, the rest of my friends began to open up, they even remarked that 'this stuff takes a long time to kick in, I didn't start feeling high until just now.' I realized that I had been stealing all the energy in the room and it made sense that they should have their turn.

I managed to fall asleep on my friends couch a few hours later, but was frequently woken by nightmares, where I saw cities being made bigger and bigger with more and more people stuffed into smaller spaces, and finally huge bombs crashing on them. This happened three or four times throughout the night, and each time I awoke my friend's cat was staring at me intently.

I haven't taken MDMA since and don't plan to again. I feel like I met my threshold with it and I wouldn't want to risk a trip that intense again. All in all it was a great experience though and I'm glad it happened.

Exp Year: 2010	ExpID: 85685
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 22
Published: May 22, 2022	Views: 473
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MDMA (3) : Small Group (2-9) (17), General (1)