DOSE:

Methamphetamine

It wasnt that long ago when a allnight card game filled with non-purpose-psyco-bable was a great time, a time filled with memories. Stories of being stupid and outrageous. Stories of snowblowing a entire neighborhood-the whole block, in the middle of the night, in the middle of a blizzard! Snowblowing the entire block, including the alley, everyones boulevard walk way, everyones car on the street, leaving very little work for the plows the next morning. Memories of making money, also being able to get high at the same time; without fear of someone psyco-babbling your name and phone number to the wrong person, or the cops. When everyone got along and the soap opera had not even been written.

Those good times are long since gone. Fun times that will probably remain in past. I mise those times of 'project' living. Those times were when the icky was fun, like having a few coctails to loosen up. Today, however, the icky is just that icky, a necessity, a craving, a headache.

Today people that I used to pary with have changed, and so have I. I have yet to figure out, if the change is for the better or the worst. I am leaning at the worst. People I considered friends have changed, they have become people I dont know anymore. My friends have turned into these people:

People who no longer can speak in understandable sentances. They only mummble and babble in a language of their own creation.

People who at one point, you would trust with your mose precious of belongings, today would rob you at gun point.

People who were clean, well dressed, with jobs, now are homeless, wearing raggs, their teeth and hair falling out from not being groomed.

Girls that were 'saving themselves for marriage' , doing tricks for a $25 crumb.

Mothers who leave their kids with anyone there, even people they just met, or just leaving them home alone all night as they search for a quick bump.

Women who at one time you would call barbie dolls, or pretty pretty princesses, disfiguring their faces, picking at 'zits' they can only see. They are disfiguring themselves, by tearing off chunks of skin. They are unable to stop until they get all the skin off.

People you at one time loved and cared for so much youd give your own life for, now they are dying from hep c, aids, or they take their own life in a od that wasnt an accident.

I have changed into a person that is unable to be in human contact. Its become to stressful. I have become a hermit of my own making, and well the people above dont help either.

I am not any better than anyone else I know. Ive just had a quite a few Reality checks slapping me in the face that I have chosen to ignore that from time to time haunt me.

I uesd to be the life of the party. I was able to sling dope, and I must say I was quite talented. I had a little enterprise going, and I was lucky not to have gone to jail, for selling my own dope. Every one would want me to make an appearance. My phones dont ring that much anymore.

I have lots of memories, and maybe by sharing a few of my numerous 'Reality Checks' I could shed some light on how the party busts.

My first check came when I was bearly 18. My boyfriend of the time, Kevin, and myself went to this party hosted by this city cop! Yes a Cop, police officer, pig, the man, or what ever you want to call his squeeling ass. It was a huge party, lots of booze, beer, drugs of all sorts, and lots of good tunes. I guess there was even a band, but I dont remember seeing that. I had OD'ed by then. I remember getting to the party, going into the basement of the house (alchohol and the drugs were kept in the basement) and first thing when I hit the bottom of the stairs was someone handing me a bubble and a tourch, so I did a couple of puffs and matched them. I walked a few feet and Did a few lines of coke, and few lines of the icky. The weekest thing I did was smoke a few onnies, with this guy I new, cause he was kinda shy and looked out of place. The above usage was within the first 45 minutes of my arrival. I walked over next to kevin in line for the keg. I told him I wasnt feeling good, and maybe this might be a short visit.

Next thing I know is that Im being picked up off the cement floor. My mouth was bleeding, I had broke my front teeth, my nose was broke and pouring blood. I had hit the cement wash tub face first. The back of my head was bleeding from falling backward and hitting a cement block holding a support post. Alex, the cop was lightly smacking my face, asking me if I had seizures. Then the next thing I know I am waking up caked in my own blood, and a laying on a blood soaked towel in the back seat of my car. Every bone in my body hurt, and I guess I was dazed or something cause I had no clue as to were I was. I knew I was at a party somewhere in the town I lived. I couldnt find my keys, but my purse was there, with all my money, and my dope was still on me. I got out of the car and walked a few blocks to a pay phone. I called Lisa, Kevin sister, and my best friend at the time. She came and picked me up with her boyfriend, they took me to the hospital, he took my dope and part of my money home with him. Lisa and me spent the rest of the night in the emergency room. Lisa paged kevin non-stop. He showed up the next day at lisa's house with my car.

I used to wear that OD like a medal of honor. I was angry that I was left for dead, by my boyfriend, who was supposed to love me, but it also kinda made me proud for some reason. I guess I thought I just became a full fledge member of the circus act at that point.

I did slow down, for about a minute. Within the next year, I was making good money slinging the shit. I was almost finished with College (Started college in highschool, post secondary options program). I then had another hard lesson learned. What crank does to a persons nose and sinuses, after long time, hard use. I remember blowing my sinus membrane. I just got done doing this killer rail. I had to be a half teen-I couldnt finish in 1 toot. After I came up for air, from my first pass, I did my second one. It felt as if I got hit in the face with a hammer. My eye felt like it was going to explode, and I couldnt open it. My nose gushing blood, I was even tearing little pink tears. The side of my face looked as if I was hit by a hammer swelling up. I couldnt breath through my nose, which was bleeding so profusly that it was even running down the back of my throat. I felt as if i was drowning in my own blood. I was in a panic, my face hurt so bad. Lisa was holding ice to my face and my nose telling me to relax. I was bleeding for over an hour, when we decided I should go to the hospital. That was notch number 2.

I had to chill for a while on that one. I ended up having to have surgery to try to repair the sinus, and my eye. I couldnt snort the dope, well I wasnt stupid, I knew I had better let this one heal first. So I started doing foilies and bubble shots. I can say this from experiance, Who do you smokers have any fun. I guess I cant handle the high, when I smoke it. It makes me shake, and my god the paranoia sucks. I was soon back to snorting it. I could bearly do business, when I was smoking it. I kept thinking I was going to get robbed, or raided.

My poor nose, it always seems to take the punch. Lesson number 3, was the most frighting of all, in the game. I was at my house studing for finals (I lived with lisa, her boyfriend, and her son). I was so into my reading that I didnt see this guy walk up the side of the house to the door. We lived on the bottom floor of a duplex, we had a motion light and the walk way ran along side the living room windows. The door slams open, this huge black guy is standing over me with, with this 9mm pointed right at me. He screams at me 'wheres your shit, cunt' I was paralyzed, I couldnt move, or speak. He then says 'Oh, you want to play bitch' he pull out a new clip out of his pocket, then he pulls the one in the gun out. I get up to move and he throws me back down on the couch were I was laying, and holds me down by sitting on me. He procedes to load one bullet into the clip, and reloads the gun. He then empties the chamber, letting the bullet, land on me.

He then cocks the gun again, and puts the barrel into my mouth. 'alright bitch wheres your shit' I was still frozen, and couldnt speak. He pulls the trigger. 'You dont have much more of the blank clip left...give me your dope and cash', he puts the gun to my forhead and pulls the trigger again. 'I know you can talk, where is the shit' I pointed to the bed room...'you aint that stupid of a whore' he smiled. he gets off me, and stands up. 'well cunt you better help me find it' He pulls me up by my hair, and draggs me into the bedroom. I tell him its on the top shelf in the closet in the shoe box. I had a quarter pound in there, and some cash. He gets the box, opens it and smiles. He walks over to me, puts the box on the bed, and pulls my head back by my hair. He then starts running the gun up and down my chest, down my stomach, and between my legs. I thought that I was going to be killed at that point. 'now cunt, is that all of it' i nod my head yes. 'are you sure your not lieing to me', I studder out yes, that was everything I had.

He drags me to the corner of the bed and tells me to sit on the floor. He ties me to the leg of the bed with this scarf i had hanging on the door of the room. He then punches me as if i was a man, breaking my nose and leaves.

That was when I pretty much let my little enterprise go to shambles. I was scared, of everyone, and everything. I begain using alot more then what I was able to sell. After loosing a quarter pound of dope and alot of my money, I couldnt afford what I was using, I was snorting, and smoking about a quarter ounce a day, and nursing lisa's, and her boyfriends habit at the same time. I got this horrible infection in my nose. It was kinda like impatigo, but kinda different. I have a scar on the side of my nose from where the infection ate through the skin and onto my cheek. It even spread into my mouth and throat. I had no insurance at the time, so I called my parents. They paid to get it cleared up and had me committed to treatment.

I moved back home with Mom and Dad, after treatment. I was even sober for 1 year. My nose was shot, I had no money, and well I had gained alot of weight. I hated myself. My parents, didnt trust me at all. I started hanging out with old friends from high school, old party friends. Thats when I started slamming.

It was wonderful at first. The feel of the rush, the warm cozy feeling, I have even seen trails and had my hearing scruwed up, in a good rush. I had stopped selling dope at this point and had a good paying job, that I have today.

I felt like everything was in control, up until recently. Ive been slamming dope for the past 4 years. I had one OD where I seized out. I recommend after doing a huge blast, dont hit a large piece of crack when your still rushing from the crank, its not a smart idea. (if the crack is of any quality).

I learned however just recently how horrible it is to die from an overdose. I had a life long friend die in my arms only about a month ago. I am part of the blame. I was feeding her spoon as she was swallowing downers like they were candy, with glass after glass of winsor/coke. I was sitting in Nina's kitchen when Gina walked in. She was making another drink. I was non-sense babbling with Nina, and just saw Gina in the corner of my of eye. Gina started shaking, and turned and faced me and Nina. It was if she looked right past us. She wasnt shaking all that bad, and looked as if she was tring to sit down on the ground on her own accord. Gina started making the horrible gurggling noise, as she sat down. When she hit the floor, she started shaking violently, I jumped from my chair to the floor next to her. She was throwing up this foammy yellowish gunk, but it was in comming out slowly, her eyes were wide open looking into nothing.

She was still making that horrible noise, and this foammy gunk was comming out of her mouth, and she was still shaking, I grab her head and turn her over, holding her her head as best as I could, with the shaking, and have her facing the floor so the she doesnt choke on the stuff comming out of her mouth. Nina started screamming for Dan (her husband) to come into the kitchen. Dan turns on the cold water in the sink and pulls the spayer hose to the floor. He starts spraying the back of her head, and starts yelling out her name. Gina stops shaking, I was kinda relieved, until I noticed that her lips had turned this horrible blueish black color. The yellowish gunk and stopped, she was still making this gurggling noise. I flip her over on her back and opened her mouth. I didnt see any thing in her throat. I had taken a first aid class, and I am cpr certified, because it was required in the field I studied in school. I started giving her mouth to mouth, she still had a pulse.

She then made this big breath, and then nothing. She still had her eyes open in this ghostly stare. Her face had all these little purple spots, from broken blood vessals. Gina died at that point. She was cold, and had no pulse. She even had a bowel, and bladder release, whitch happens when you die. Dan screams fuck. and grabs the phone out of Nina hand as she was dialing 911. He tells her to run upstairs and grab everything, scale, mirror, dope, baggies, everything. He askes me where my shit is, I was crying so hard I dont remember telling him my purse, he grabs my purse and tosses me my wallet. He asks me If i had anything else on me. no. Its in my purse. I dont remember if that was audible. I just now started yelling to call for help. Dan yells back at me that we need to clean the house first. (Get all the drugs out, and all parafanalia). Nina comes down the stairs and Dan instructs her to go to this guys bobs house, who lived across the alley from them, tell him there is a probleum here and have him put everything in his garage. She takes my purse, and everything she had in a bag, and leaves the house.

Nina comes back a few minutes later. Dan call the paramedics she yells. Dan said we had to wait awhile. We waited for about 15 minutes and then call the paramedics. In all times Gina had been dead for about 45 minutes, before we called. When the paramedics came, so did the police. The police, local sheriffs department, and detectives searched the house. A dead body is probable cause. We all got interviewed. I said me and Nina were playing cards, when Gina collapsed. We tried to revive her, but couldnt. We were in a panic and that is why we didnt phone for help sooner. I told them I had no idea what she was on, when she colapsed. We were not using drugs in the house. I was asked to take a drug test. I told them I wouldnt pass. I guess they belived our bull fucked story because we were never charged in her death. Its a murder charge for giving, selling a person drugs and they die. I am soo sorry Gina.

Well that leads me today. I have many regrets about my life. I will always know that I helped someone die. Here I am still getting high and I dont know if I will ever stop, or learn my lesson, that all good partys must end.

Exp Year: 2001	ExpID: 9048
Gender: Female
Age at time of experience: Not Given
Published: Jun 7, 2004	Views: 18,685
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Methamphetamine (37) : Retrospective / Summary (11), Addiction & Habituation (10), Various (28)