DOSE:

9.8 in

oral

Cacti - T. pachanoi

(liquid)

BODY WEIGHT:

72 kg

I was looking forward to the trip, as recent experiences with both mescaline and the closely related 2C-E had been very positive. The gooey blended cactus was far less repulsive than on previous occasions, and a small amount of cannabis was taken to reduce any nausea.

Children’s cartoons would provide the perfect mindset, and I settled down, waiting for the effects to make themselves known. The shivery come-up began much quicker than usual. On previous occasions I had managed to move the shivers up and down the body, like Sub-Zero channelling ice energy. The nausea this time was worse, and the visual effects once they began were more intense. Given this and the fact that the onset was also much faster it would be reasonable to assume that the dose was much higher than previous occasions. It is not certain whether it was the increase in dose or the nausea which ultimately caused the trip to go bad.

The patterns on the carpet were exquisite.

“Do you have any idea how hard it is to be constantly held responsible for everything? To have to be everything to everyone? I’m doing my best.” the words came as if from someone else, as if a concept of God were speaking through my mouth.

I began to see symmetrical kaleidoscopic images representing everything in my perceptual universe, centred on the television. These grew in complexity and began to involve time. Various scenes from Zeke and Luther would match up with each other to form the spiky arms of the rotating kaleidoscope. It was as though things were being seen in extra dimensions. Each ad break brought the feeling that everything was converging, and that I was directing it all.

“Yes, this is exactly as it’s supposed to happen, am I doing this?” I said as the Disney XD logo came up.

One of the characters appeared to be writing Shakespeare, and possibly going back in time to give Shakespeare hid own ideas to create a paradox. The writing of Shakespeare was of course to impress a girl.

“Male mammals are always doing complex things to impress females. Wouldn’t it be hilarious if I was with him this whole time as a plant?” said the cactus in my stomach.

Two of the characters appeared to have organised a blind date only to discover that they were related to one another. But then again all organisms are related to one another. Even people and plants. I was finding it hard to tell right from wrong.

I began to worry about questions of good an evil, but eventually concluded that an intelligent mind which processes information based on a reward/punishment system can only function by being selfish, and that egoism and altruism are equally selfish as they are both strategies to increase reward for the self. This then lead to more confusion as I tried to remember which one the self was.

“Am I the being nearest to myself? Am I the beings I see? Am I all living things? Am I God or the universe?” this was more or less the ego death I had been hoping for. Luckily my optimism that all things are generally improving reduced the importance of this question.

One of the characters began to speak my exact thoughts. Or rather the opposite happened and was misinterpreted.

I was aware, as on the previous occasion, that psychedelics do not reveal anything which a person does not know already, that ultimately one sees what one expects to see and the effects of the drugs are simply an intoxication, not unlike being very drunk. However it was impossible to switch off the subjective feeling of profundity which accompanied every thought , and meta-thinking began to run away with itself.

“You knew that you get out of a trip what you bring to it, and this is all you brought? What happened to all the preparation? Why haven’t you been keeping up with your meditation?” it was definitely me saying this to myself.

Perhaps psychedelics are like weights: muscles are temporarily tired and weakened, but will be forced to grow stronger as they recover. If this is the case then my initial theory that drugs and meditation are essentially doing the same thing may have had some truth to it, though in this analogy meditation would be more akin to a slow gentle walk.

The constant meta-thinking also broke my concentration as I tried to root myself in reality by playing Mortal Kombat. Is it wrong to use fatalities? But then violence is like sex in that as long as something is consensual it’s ok. Those ninjas knew what they were getting themselves into, and wouldn’t have it any other way.

Knowing the the world we inhabit is simply a model created by the brain based on imperfect senses it is tempting to say that reality is an illusion. However the distinction between real and unreal, however illusiory and arbitrary, is useful to us. Thus the only sensible way to live is to treat normal perception as real, and tripping and dreams as unreal. In other words what we always knew to be true is still true.

Feeling hungry, I began eating cherries. Then I forgot the difference between animals and plants and wasn’t sure if it was ok to be devouring fruit. Later I would resolve that as an animal it was acceptable to eat both plants and other animals.

As I sat watching topical news quizes with my parents (who were well aware of my situation and moderately sympathetic) I did my best to enjoy the jokes, and not pay too much attention to the feeling of being constantly on the edge of a panic attack.

As I lay awake in bed waiting for the racing thoughts to end I wondered whether or not to end the experimentation and just not trip again. Understanding that the tripping state of mind is inferior to the normal state of mind I decided to leave this decision for normal waking consciousness.

“It’s all just curiosity and control,” said the spirit of the cactus, trying to explain input and output.

The next day lack of sleep and continuing stomach ache were overruled by relief that the experience was over and no harm had been done.

“If I can handle that without losing my composure then I can handle anything. Even when the lines between reality and illusion, good and evil, self and non-self were blurred I still managed to maintain control and not freak out.” I thought, ignoring someone who was enjoying not controlling his temper.

By the end of the day I was already planning the next trip.

I went to bed very early and quickly fell asleep. During the night I woke up and saw that everything was inside itself, there was a feeling of great calm, clarity, and peace, and of increased control over what we would normally call personality. I reminded myself that Mortal Kombat is a microcosm of life, as the best way to respect the beauty of the game is to play it wholeheartedly.

I had previously had the “insight” that the ultimate enlightenment is to realise that there is no enlightenment. I am now reconsidering this.

I am also interested to explore the relationship between anxiety and over-analysis, particularly whether anxiety acts as a marker of importance which in turn encourages further processing, or whether too much thinking results in contemplation of subjectively unpleasant truths which then triggers anxiety. Does one relax by letting go, or does one let go by relaxing?

Everything we know about ourselves and our universe suggests that reward and punishment, along with consciousness itself, are temporary. This being the case we can enjoy our illusions whilst seeing them for what they are, and we can value something without being afraid of losing it.

There is a subjective feeling of profundity.

Exp Year: 2011	ExpID: 91590
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 24
Published: May 5, 2020	Views: 768
[ View PDF (to print) ] [ View LaTeX (for geeks) ] [ Swap Dark/Light ]
Cacti - T. pachanoi (64) : Personal Preparation (45), General (1), Unknown Context (20)