DOSE:		oral	MDMA	(powder / crystals)
	1 shot	oral	Alcohol

BODY WEIGHT:

115 lb

A Beautiful Trip

I was with a new man who I had literally met the week before and decided to go on a road trip with. I had strong feelings for him, but felt something was terribly blocking his heart from feeling, emotion, and love. He told me he had just got out of a fifteen year relationship. I felt a sparkle in my heart for him however, and know the intensity of my ability to transform people's lives.

We had been on the trip for a few days and we had made it all the way (13 hour drive) to the family reunion. I had two pills of MDMA supposedly from Switzerland but they did not look totally pure white, they had a yellowish/brownish tint.

We returned to the hotel after a few hours at my family reunion. At the reunion, we were sitting around a bonfire, eating pasta, playing games, talking, and doing prayers for other family members. It was a nice night, however, I had a terrible headache in my third eye by the time I got back to the hotel. I suggested we try the pills. I started by administering half a pill (powder form) into each of our drinks. We began sipping it and I didn't feel anything right away, so I administered us each another half a pill into our drinks.

Suddenly, I began bouncing around the room and I changed into a dress. I looked at him and something told me he was not open to me being near him. I said “don’t you want to connect? This drug is for connecting.” He was wrapped up in the blankets almost like a cocoon and said “I’m just enjoying the high.” I was sad and suddenly felt very lonely, so I decided if he would not connect with me, then I would connect with myself. I went to the mirror and stared at my beautiful eyes with enormous pupils. I realized I am so incredibly beautiful in my own way. I have never been media beautiful image at least to myself. I was made fun of for being fat when I was 14 at 5’1’’ and 130 pounds, so I lost a lot of weight and went down to 90 lbs in high school. This has been a constant struggle inside of myself. When I was on the MDMA, I could see the perfection I had in that moment. I am also constantly trying to work on myself, grow and change my life, but when I was on the MDMA, I felt like everything was perfect as it was in this moment and things could be slowly changed, but it was not important to be attached to whether they change or not. (WOW, big one for me!)

I touched myself in the mirror. The man I was with was watching and told me to talk to myself, so I started talking to myself and asking myself questions, but I didn’t receive a lot of answers. Finally, I really wanted to connect with him, so I went over and lied down next to him. He put his arm around me and I started crying almost hysterically. I told him that he was afraid to feel the pain in his heart and I knew that was why he was afraid to connect to me. I was crying and he said “are you serious?” as though he could not believe I was crying.

I calmed down and just said he needed to feel quite a few times. I told him his career would be more successful and that it was why his relationship of fifteen years had not worked out. He got a bit upset and defensive. From there, I don’t remember all of the details, but I remember that I kept talking and talking and talking. I was saying everything that was in my head and just saying it out loud for some reason. He asked me to talk a bit less it was overwhelming for him, he also got concerned that when I was excited I was too loud. He wanted to have sex. I told him that he uses food and sex to escape his feelings. I personally use talking, thinking and going outward to avoid painful feelings. We started having sex, probably for about two or three hours. It was really fun because I had lots of energy to be on top and just keep going, but I did not have an orgasm. Later, we turned on the TV, I saw a reality dating show and was completely overwhelmed with the fakeness of it. It was beyond stupid. I realized I had acted that superficial before. I couldn’t believe our culture was brainwashing us to be so fake and unreal. I started hitting the remote changing the channels fast and saying “show me something real! show me something real!” finally, we happened upon some beautiful couples dressed in beautiful garments dancing to classical music. I was overwhelmed by the beauty of the music and also the way the people were interacting with each other. My friend and I lied there for a while transfixed on the beauty.

I then closed my eyes and began seeing visions of all kinds below my eyelids. I saw images of pictures of my family throughout my life. I was amazed at how easy the visions came which usually take me lots of meditation to get to. Basically, taking MDMA was like meditating for hours upon hours and becoming one with spirit all in one easy pill. Which in essence is probably too easy... addictive could be the word.

I saw an image of myself in front of a door which opened and light poured onto me, it was beautiful. Eventually, I started calling everyone that I loved and wanting to tell them how much I love them. I called three people. The third person answered the phone at 3am and I told her I loved her and we reconnected. I said I loved her so purely and she responded so purely when we usually have a strong power struggle between us.

After doing the MDMA, I had a two week high on life. The third week, I was overwhelmed with depression. During the two week high, I went back to my internship as a psychotherapist and felt a renewed understanding of how to work with people. I also felt I could see their beauty in a way I had never seen before. I also was less afraid of intensely painful emotions and more in a realization that these emotions had to be felt in order to be transcended. By the third week, I was very depressed about the relationship with the new man who I did the pills with. He became distant and I read that possibly there is a bond that is established during an MDMA trip that is quite intense and unbreakable. I told him about that and he said no that the bond is not fake, he just wants to take things more slowly. However, I wrote a text during the third week that I wanted to curl up and cease to exist. I decided to get back into weight training which has really helped my mood elevate and I am eating very healthy foods and feeling “normal again”, however, I LOVED the feeling of MDMA and the “afterglow.”

Exp Year: 2011	ExpID: 92672
Gender: Female
Age at time of experience: 25
Published: Nov 2, 2019	Views: 853
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