DOSE:

40 mg

oral

AMT

(powder / crystals)

BODY WEIGHT:

182 kg

Set and setting:

For the preceding couple of weeks before the trip I had experienced brief periods of depression, although they had been weirdly intermingled with optimism. I was not severely depressed, but I had been struggling with certain situations in my life, and thought a psychedelic experience could help, or at least provide a brief respite. I discovered aMT was originally developed as an antidepressant, and decided to give it a try. The goal of the experience was to provide, in equal measure, periods of introspection, and periods of pure escapism. I planned to be alone for the whole experience. It had been about a year since my last psychedelic experience.

I was in my room, which is medium-sized and fairly plain. I had no plans to go elsewhere, although I thought I might go for a walk if the mood so took me. I had fasted for ~4 hours before the experience. As I prepared the dose I was nervous, but excited.

Dosage and time:

I weighed out 40mg of the aMT on my scales, but they’re not great for small doses so I can’t be completely sure it was exactly 40mg. I dissolved the powder into a glass of water, and drank the mixture. The time is 7:26pm on a Friday evening. Surprisingly, the taste was fine; the chemical taste was evident, but by no means unpleasant.

Experience:

+0h05 I feel a very slight tightness in my stomach, which may or may not have been due to the ingestion of aMT. I notice my heart-rate is a little bit quick, and so decide to watch a Buddhist meditation video on YouTube to help me relax.

+0h15 Now much calmer, I begin to feel the first physical effects of the drug: a sort of heaviness in my head and stomach.

+0h30 The heaviness grows and I feel lethargic; a sort of numbness not dissimilar to medium-level alcohol intoxication. I had anticipated some nausea, so I put on some football and try to concentrate on breathing deeply. I am surprised to be feeling so tired, as it is still relatively early, and I had expected a stimulant-type effect. I decide to lie down for a bit.

+0h45 The heaviness increases some more and now the nausea begins to feel a bit unpleasant. However, I was expecting the nausea when coming up, and decide to focus on my breathing until it passes.

+1h00 I begin to notice the psychedelic effects. Objects in the room begin to shimmer and distort as I try to focus on them. I want to explore this further, but the room is close to pitch-black, and I am too nauseous to get up to turn the lights on. I hear music coming from the room above. The music is repetitive and bass-heavy, and I can’t be fully sure that it’s ‘real’. Perhaps it’s a combination of some real sound and an auditory hallucination. I can hear footsteps outside my door and I begin to get nervous; I had not told anyone I would be tripping, and feared that my housemates might overreact if they found me in my current state – immobilised on the floor with heavily dilated pupils – and seek emergency medical help. At this stage, that would have been a disaster.

The body load begins to worsen. The stimulant effects begin to kick in. I feel my teeth chatter uncontrollably, my heart rate rise, and a tingly feeling at the end of my limbs. This would normally be enjoyable, but the nausea hadn’t dissipated, and the added stimulation just made things worse. Making a conscious effort to move was deeply unpleasant, but I couldn’t stop myself from shaking. I was sweating quite profusely, but all of a sudden I would feel very cold.

I also have some (undiagnosed) joint condition, and the drug affected this somehow. As I lie down, stretching my body, the bones begin to crack. My neck, my back, my hip, my wrists - all creak with strain. This is a part of my everyday life and helps to relieve muscle tension, but I know that everything’s cracking a bit too freely, and I’ll be in pain for the next few days.

+1h30 Behind closed eyelids the visuals begin to get more intense. It’s not so much a hallucination as a waking dream. When I put conscious attention to it, I know that nothing I’m experiencing is real, but it is incredibly easy to close my eyes and live a dream. The content of the dreams appears to be no more significant than that of my ordinary dreams; a jumble of interconnected narratives, some triggered by specific events of the day, some completely random. There is nothing particularly mystical or awe-inspiring, but it is fairly intense nonetheless. I also begin to hear voices. A loud robotic voice repeatedly shouts something at me. It was forceful and unforgiving, but not threatening.

In the brief moments of lucidity I notice my thoughts are perhaps a little clearer than usual, but they come so quickly that I am unable to keep hold of them and follow them through to their natural conclusion. One moment I’ll be engrossed in a particular thought, and only a few seconds later I will be thinking about something else entirely, unable to re-capture the previous thought.

At this stage I am almost completely delirious. I am rolling around on the floor sweating, probably murmuring to myself. Every half an hour or so the body load suddenly disappears, and I finally get what I was searching for – interrupted moments of psychedelic intensity. I see geometric patterns on the walls and every object in the room shimmers uncontrollably. Unfortunately moments like this are few, and far between.

+3h00 The next hour and a half goes the same way. As I roll around on the floor, completely delirious, I realise that this must be how it feels to be insane. I have no control of my mind or my body. I am hearing voices, and if my mind ever strays to darker subject matter, there is nothing I can do to stop it, or argue against it logically. The feeling is very similar to the fever dream; a seemingly endless sequence of frightening dreams that my body is too weak to counter-act. My only comfort is knowing that, in a few hours the feeling will pass.

+3h40 I notice the visual hallucinations decrease in intensity. I am finally able to stand up and turn the lights on. I am able to fill a bottle with water, and use the toilet. I had been planning to eat during the trip, but the body load had made it impossible, and now I don’t want anything. As I sip tentatively at the water I am sceptical – I’m fine now, but isn’t this a 14 hour trip? Am I really only a third of the way through? I feel completely drained. The heaviness remains in my head and in my body. I decide to lie down again.

+8h00 Thankfully, the next four hours were much more gentle. I managed to get into bed with a duvet over me. I had read that sleep was nigh-on impossible on aMT so was just hoping to rest. Luckily though, I did drift off into brief period of sleep. It was light and easily disturbed, but sleep nonetheless. I’m not 100% sober, but I’m getting there and I feel calm. I still have mild headache and toothache, and my jaw feels tight.

+9h00 I now feel almost completely sober. I had planned to watch the sun-rise at this time, but my appreciation for nature is completely dwindled by my appreciation for sobriety. I put on a DVD box-set, and ride the rest of the trip out.

Post-trip thoughts:

The experience was not completely negative. Certainly it was very difficult in parts – perhaps the most difficult parts of my (admittedly short) adult life. I had read that through psychedelic introspection, one travels through hell to reach heaven. I travelled through hell to realise that heaven is found in sobriety. I realised that I had been taking for granted the basic fundamentals of humanity: love, security, friends and family. There is nothing wrong with searching for deeper truths through use of psychedelics, but I had been guilty of having an inadequate understanding of sober existence.

I would hesitate before using aMT again. I had not given enough respect to taking such a powerful psychedelic at a negative time in my life. I am not a seasoned psychonaut and the effects were often overwhelming. However, I did learn from the trip, and feel much better because of it. Now, 2 days later, a certain amount of body discomfort remains, but this is no doubt due to my own condition as well as the after-effects of the drug. It is clear that aMT can be enjoyable for some people, but in my opinion there are better psychedelics out there.

Exp Year: 2013	ExpID: 99702
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 20
Published: Apr 30, 2013	Views: 8,751
[ View PDF (to print) ] [ View LaTeX (for geeks) ] [ Swap Dark/Light ]
AMT (7) : Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), Difficult Experiences (5), Alone (16)